Compliance Fatigue

 Before starting to write this post, I googled the phrase "Compliance Fatigue" to see if it was a real thing.  Turns out it is, but it isn't exactly what I was thinking of when I coined the phrase in my mind.  According to Google (my best source of information), Compliance Fatigue is "“a state of chronic fatigue induced by having to constantly maintain compliance with the ever-increasing variety of rules, regulations and processes created by middle management bureaucrats in both public and private organizations.”

So it is sort of what I wanted to write about - but my definition strays from the typical I guess.

Anyone who has lived through this pandemic will probably relate to what I like to think of as compliance fatigue. Put very simply, we are tired of keeping the rules.  Even though most people understand that the pandemic hasn't changed, they are sick and tired of living with so many restrictions.  As the epicenter moves temporarily out of their state, they feel they've been good for long enough and simply don't need to be as careful anymore.

Lest you think this post is going to be about how we need to stay vigilant -that's not where I was going with this. 

It got me thinking about our kids - and how on point this is with what I've seen over and over in parenting.  

Take, for example, the kid who is almost always keeping the rules, does fairly well in school, seems easy going and appears to be totally coping.  Then one day - mega meltdown.  It can range from a temporary phase of rebellion to a calm, well adjusted child having suicidal thoughts.  And anywhere in between.  Most parents are caught totally off guard.  They can't imagine when this happened, what happened, why this happened. 

Or the kid who has been working so hard on a specific area - they've put all of their efforts into improving the issue.  They seem motivated, invested - and then one day they just give it up. 

Why do kids do this? I believe they have compliance fatigue.  They simply get tired of being good all the time, trying so hard.  Rationally, they understand that life takes work - but they are tired of putting the work in.

Recently we've been discussing mental health issues in teens.  I believe you see this very often with teens who struggle.  A child is battling an eating disorder or working through a depression.  They see progress, they want to achieve their goals and be past the issue at hand - but at some point, they slip or give up.  They tire of the process.  

It is simple - it is too hard to be good all the time.  It is too hard to work at something only to find out you need to work longer and harder.  

My version of "Compliance Fatigue" is real.  And it is really hard to combat. 

So now that we can define it, what do we do about it?

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I remember going through all the motions, trying to digest all the information, wrapping my brain around it.  I was holding it together through surgery and the ICU and the works.  I thought I was coping until they introduced me to her central line (a surgically implanted IV, basically, to give her treatments through).  I had a complete meltdown.  Compliance fatigue to the max.  I was like - no way, I can't deal with that.  It took several nurses reading me the riot act to realize that compliance was not a choice on this one.  No matter how squeamish I was, there was no getting around this.  I had pretty much no choice but to learn to comply.  

And that's kind of what we need to help our children learn.  

Life is, in many ways, an uphill battle.  Struggles don't just disappear because you acknowledge and work on them.  So here are some suggestions to help you through parenting during compliance fatigue.  These won't cure it, but they might help you pass through the phase and help your child get re-energized to want to start again, try harder or keep going.

First, give them time to process.  It is human to have this happen - they need time to settle, realize what is happening, and be ready to address the issues.

Second, don't let them feel like a failure.  A slip, big or small, a meltdown - any of it - is not a failure.  It is being human.  Stress this.  Share your stories of failure, stalling, progress blocks - let them see that we all have this.  

Third, love them harder.  I know this is probably the hardest thing to do - when you have a raging child, all you want is to knock some sense into them.  It just doesn't always help.  And its not always rational.  Remind them you love them, stand by them even when they're raging and mad and blaming you - what they need more than anything is to know that you're not going anywhere despite whether they succeed or fail.  You are their rock.

Last, but not least, help them make a plan to go forward and make more progress.  Concrete steps can help them realize that this isn't as big or overwhelming as it seems.  

We'll all get through this pandemic, you'll live through your kids teen years, whatever tunnel you are currently in - you'll find the light at the end.  You just sometimes have to be a bit patient and always make sure that light you see isn't an oncoming train.