Academic Pressure

 I’m sure we’ve discussed this before in some fashion but some topics are worth revisiting. And school pressure is definitely one of those topics. 

Tonight I had parent teacher conferences over Zoom - quite a unique experience. I actually dread conferences every year. Rushing from room to room, division to division, like some sort of marathon sprint around the school with 5 minute intervals to hear something about your child’s experience. For the stronger students I’ve had - it worked. Two minutes to hear how my kid is doing great and next. For the less than motivated of my children - never enough time to tackle the issues. And, side note, if my kid is having issues - we should’ve talked before November! So perhaps I prefer Zoom - at least it saved me from sprinting. I prefer to do that on the track  

But the point of this post isn’t actually to compare in person to Zoom conferences - what I really wanted to discuss was academic pressure. More specifically, how healthy is it for parents to put academic pressure on their children. 

I think it’s natural and even healthy to set standards for our children, goals to achieve. Everyone, whether you’re a parent who cares about grades or not, wants to see their children educated and engaged with their education.  I think the question really is - how much academic pressure should we put on our children ? Is it healthy or even useful to pressure them to achieve certain grades? Should we focus on output or input? Do we care about effort or results?

If your child is self motivated - it’s easy to set certain bars for them. They are strong students and you expect them to get certain grades. Sometimes, the very knowledge of these expectations puts undue pressure on kids who already feel they must perform. That is one side of the coin. 

Flip to the non motivated child. They don’t push themselves and don’t seem to be engaged with their studies. Setting certain standards for them, attempting to light a fire under them - will adding this parental academic pressure ignite them or burn them?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot over the years - having both types of students in my own children I’ve wondered what the right approach to academics could be. 

Like most areas of parenting - these are very individualized questions and the approaches vary depending on your child but one overarching concept has clarified itself to me over time and two teachers I met with tonight really struck chords with me on this idea. 

The work of growing up is a lot harder than many of us remember. Like most things in life, the more time passes, the less we recall some of the challenges. The more rosey parts stand out. I was listening to Charlie Harari’s podcast recently and he said something like ‘remember your natural mode is survival, greatness is override.’  I think when we’re dealing with our kids and academics this is crucial. They are mostly in that survival mode. There are so many pressures on them to navigate - social, emotional, you name it. Adding our pressure rarely has the desired effect. If they’re already internally pressured, the last thing they need is more. If they lack any kind of self-motivation- rarely will our pushing help them develop that. What they need from us is someone who believes in them. Who encourages them. Who can see beyond the anxious or ‘lazy’ or unmotivated or whatever your fill in the blank is to realize the potential they have. Everyone needs a cheerleader in life - choose to be theirs. Emphasize effort, not end results.  Better output naturally follows better effort.

My daughter is studying in her Israel gap year - the same child who never engaged with her education in high school is sending me her notes from classes she enjoyed and can’t have me read them fast enough because she wants to discuss the ideas with me. I don’t think when I had conferences with her teachers in any grade I could’ve imagined this type of student. Be patient and eventually it happens. No amount of coaxing on my part could have done what time and maturity and the right type of teachers is doing to her view on learning.

Tonight I discussed my view of this approach with two of the teachers and a rare thing happened - both agreed with me on my approach to being hands off and letting my kid push themselves when they’re ready. It was an amazing breath of fresh air. Quite the difference from the ones who shake their heads and tell me how much more capable my child is - as if I don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong - I have the same post conferences  conversation with the less motivated of my kids every time - it basically sounds like this - they realize you’re smart and don’t give it your all - when you’re ready to wow them we’re  all ready.  He laughs and keeps moving. But I know and he knows that one day we’ll all be wowed - and when he’s ready watch our world.