Is sharing tattling?

There are many issues which are sensitive and difficult to discuss. I’ve witnessed many hushed conversations where parents are afraid to even discuss certain topics, fearful someone will think their kid is struggling with something. It may be 2020, but Mental health Issues are still very much behind all the progress we’ve made in our world. 

Today’s topic is painful because the ones who suffer most are the ones who suffer in silence. Parents witnessing their children’s pain.  Children hiding their own pain. And friends who are scared and confused by what they are seeing and don’t know where to turn. 

I’m neither a healthcare professional nor a mental health specialist but I’ve lived through and seen enough of this to be a concerned parent who wants to help. Today I can’t address the why of mental health issues. I can’t tackle how to prevent your child from having issues. Or how to take away the pain from those who do. I want to talk about the friends who witness what is happening. 

Kids know a lot more than they admit to. They see their friends. They hear their pain. And most of the time, they are too scared to talk about it. 

Let’s look at it from their point of view. They are a friend. Friends trust each other. Friends keep each other’s secrets. Friends are a listening ear and maybe a word of advice but friends ARE NOT snitches. 

The problem here is that often, the friends are the first line of defense. They notice so much that we do not. They see what goes on at school (a realm we don’t even get a glimpse of for the most part). They are safe and so often share things we will never hear. 

Obviously to put the burden on them to be mental health advisors is unfair and unwise. But often they think they can’t say anything or they’re betraying their friend. So they listen and they try to help. Or they observe but don’t share. They worry but they don’t know what to do with that. 

I’m here to put it out there - give them permission to share. Preempt the worry, the fear of being a snitch. Have this discussion with your child before they are in the situation. Remind them about it regularly. Be casual about it but very open. Straight forward. You are being a good friend when you raise a safety concern with an adult. 

It is hard for a kid to come forward. It is scary. It is also necessary. It saves lives.

There are so many forms of danger that they face which we might not even consider. There are self harming behaviors, some of which become fads in some groups. I have seen teenagers who knew about their friends eating disorders and hid them because they feared for their friendship. Not to even begin on kids with suicidal thoughts. 

Lives will be saved and changed if we all unite and give our children the same message. You never know when your child will need this most. As a friend or from a friend  

There is no room for ambiguity with this message.