It’s possible we’ve touched on this before but I checked back in the archive and didn’t see a dedicated post so I decided it was time for one.
If you’re the parent of a teen and have never experienced any of the items listed above - please share your magic.
As for me, I’ve been on the receiving end of a rant more times than I can count. And if you want to know the truth all I want to do is yell back. I know, it’s fruitless, but it sure might feel good.
Before we discuss some thoughts on useful reactions towards teen rants - I think it’s crucial to see a rant for what it really is the majority of the time. Rant = cry for help.
It’s extremely hard to sit there listening to a ranting person and think rationally - our most base survival instincts emerge when attacked - but if we could put ourselves in a sound proof glass case and watch an angry outburst it would be so obvious to us. Watch the body language, how tense they become, the eyes are a telltale sign. Scientists who studied anger found that the part of our brain called the amygdala activates when we are angry. It is where our fight or flight response is. The teen is in battle mode. Our job is to figure out why.
I don’t believe teens are the most self aware beings. Yes they have moments of self awareness but in general, the ability to self reflect and delve deep is something that develops much later in life. We, however, have the ability to probe and attempt to figure out what it is they’re struggling with and bring it to light. They may not accept our assessment but as adults, if we know our kids well enough we usually can understand where it is coming from.
Does knowing the issue help when we’re on the receiving end of a rant? Yes and no.
First let’s talk about what to do when someone is ranting at you. In my opinion, nothing. That sounds pretty lame I know but have you ever just taken the wind out of someone’s sails? Remember the Berenstein Bears book where Mama is preaching about good manners and Papa is busily telling her how he needs to stand up for himself sometimes to get things done (I’m paraphrasing of course). Then he rear ends someone who stops short on the road and he gets enraged but when a bigger, angrier bear emerges from the other car he pulls it together and remembers to be polite and it ends up being a calm misunderstanding involving some road crossing ducklings if I recall correctly.
The same basic principal works when you deal with an angry person. Yell back and it will become a yelling match. Stand calmly, voice even and steady, and tell them you can’t discuss things while they’re this upset - they might yell louder to start but it’ll die down quicker. There’s only so long you can be a one man yelling act.
If they don’t stop - walk away. They are too big to be removed to their room to finish their meltdown but not big enough to be reasonable and know that anger solves nothing.
Once you’ve successfully given them time to calm down and cool off - try to do the digging into what is causing the upset. Feeling out of control about an issue often triggers anger. Teens struggle with controlling their life and their circumstances- they often feel rules we impose are unfair, situations with friends can become overwhelming. Teen years are tumultuous - there’s no lack of issues they’ll deal with.
Experts say there are three types of anger.
- Passive aggression - where we act upset or sulky but don’t really communicate our anger openly
- Open aggression - think yelling and screaming type
- Assertive aggression - when you can calmly express what is making you angry and be open to solutions about how to resolve it
Assertive anger is the healthiest way to deal with anger. This is a skill we need to model for them - be open and honest with them about how their anger makes you feel angry. Discuss how to treat people when you are angry. Keep the dialog going.
As always remember the golden rule of parenting - MODEL! If your angry rants are what they see, they will likely copy them. It’s ok to meltdown once in a while, we are humans, but try to limit it.
To sum it up - when dealing with an angry teen :
1. Don’t respond - wait til they’ve fizzed out
2. Revisit what is really going on in a calm moment
3. Do your best to model assertive anger
None of this will make it easier to stand there and be on the receiving end, but hopefully in the long run it will help minimize angry outbursts and teach them how to productively express their feelings.
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