I woke up to a dark and rainy world today. Normally, a day like this would be hard to face - find the energy to get out of bed, get out there and run in the rain, be productive and get to work. But today was different because last night was different. Last night, I went to an event in our community organized by women, for women, about women. It was inspiring and left me uplifted.
When people call me a feminist, I agree wholeheartedly. As a teenager, my son used to use it as some sort of taunt but I would always respond that I am a feminist and I'm proud. I even made him read Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In to try and make him understand my perspective. I'd hardly call myself the bra burning type, more of a woman who is so incredibly proud of women and feel they are invincible. Women are moms, entrepreneurs, community leaders, athletes, you name it - they can do it.
Last night's event, sponsored by the Mikvah Emunah Society's Robin Niman Mikvah Educational Fund, was in memory of an incredible woman named Robin Niman, who passed away several years ago after an eight year battle with metastatic breast cancer. She was a powerhouse of a woman, mom to seven, a force in our community. She pioneered the concept of women liaising with the communal leadership in our community. I met Robin at some point after she moved here, the year is hard to pinpoint, it was definitely long after I was a newlywed and long before I became a mother in law. Sometime in that blur that spans toddlers to teenagers. She was a lifeboat in a time in my life where I felt I was sinking. Robin ran an organization in our community called the Mikvah. For those not familiar, a Mikvah is a ritual bath. Jewish women have a detailed set of laws that relate to family purity and it can be overwhelming at times. I won't get into the details of what is entailed but to put it mildly, it can be difficult to navigate. At a time when my body was in a most uncooperative state, where trying to keep these laws was becoming more and more difficult, Robin was a savior. Robin became my bridge to the Rabbinic leadership that I didn't want to deal with on matters so intimate and personal. I know I speak not only for myself but for so many women in my community and probably the world over who dealt with Robin when I say she saved me when it came to this mitzvah. The night was a fitting tribute to a woman who was larger than life in my eyes.
The evening began with the moderator speaking about Robin. She recapped some of the talking points from Robin's funeral and shiva - I can't do justice to her eloquent description - but she described Robin's ability to do everything she wanted to accomplish, despite incredible odds. She talked about her can do attitude, her commitment to women and community, her going above and beyond in every situation.
Following this beautiful tribute was a panel discussion where the wives of 8 Rabbis from our community were each posed a question that they addressed. It was so nice to see the collaboration, comradery and friendship on display. Again, I will recap what I can reconstruct from memory but please give me poetic license since I didn't even take notes during the event itself. The order might be switched but the general sentiments are there to the best of my personal take-aways. The questions for the panel centered around balancing a life with families, community and personal wellbeing.
Rebbetzin Atara Rosenbaum was asked how it is that the same people seem to be the heads of PTA, chairs of volunteer organizations etc while others struggle to find time to volunteer at all. Her answer, in my humble opinion, was brilliant. She talked about how as Americans we often think we need to spearhead every idea, do something amazing and be leaders - but being a follower is ok as well. Not only ok, but essential. For every event that happens, many worker bees are needed. She reminisced about how as a kid her mom had them stuffing envelopes for the local school fundraisers, even awarding them precious weekday watching time as a bonus for doing the work. She also reminded people that leaders are needed, and the way you know that your job is to lead is when you have a real passion for a project and a drive to do it. How different life stages call for different types of communal engagement. With a house full of toddlers or teens you might not be able to get out but when you're at a different stage, you may find it more possible. And she talked about how communal engagement and kindness comes in many forms, small acts that no one ever knows about make the world go round. She shared a story about Robin where she helped a disabled woman complete her ritual immersion by jumping in (literally) when she struggled. She reminded every woman in that room that you can give even when you think you're maxed out.
Rebbetzin Rivky Frank addressed the question of disciplining toddlers. She transformed the question into how to approach relationships at any stage. She had clearly done research, which showed in her sharing a practical approach she learned from a book she read on behavior. The CLR (pronounced CLEAR) method, where you comment on behavior (instead of criticize) - find the time when the child (or any age person) is behaving the way you would want and mention it. The toddler who is rough with his sibling, in a moment of gentleness, strokes the baby's face. Praise the behavior, then L for Label it - you are kind, you are gentle. Think of the vision you want for this child (or person) years from now - then create a self fulfilling prophecy by labeling it. R for reward, which we all need at times. A practical life tip that everyone, not only toddler rearing mothers, can gain from.
Rebbetzin Chaya Wolvovsky was asked how one deals with the unexpected events that inevitably present themselves in our lives. The perfectly planned day that gets ruined by something unexpected. She was spot on when she said don't plan so much because it usually doesn't work out. But then she took her unique Chassidic upbringing and was able to share a story of two brothers who traveled as peasants, though they were both quite learned. Once they were with a crowd who ended up in prison and when the time came for Mincha (afternoon prayers) one brother began his preparations to pray. The other brother stopped him and reminded him that they couldn't pray in this place because there was a bucket (the bathroom for the prisoners) in the room and that wasn't allowed by Jewish law. When his brother began to cry, he reminded him that G-d put them in this situation and therefore must have not wanted them to pray. Instead, they began to dance and celebrate G-d. The warden, on hearing the rucus, came and asked what the cause was. One of the prisoners basically answered we don't know what this is but it has something to do with the bucket. Upon hearing that, the warden removed the bucket and they were able to pray. She reminded everyone that G-d may present situations to us but we have control over how we react to them. And amazingly, He often makes it possible for us to accomplish great things. And also, there's usually a bucket like that in all our lives.
Rebbetzin Rachie Reingold was asked something related to feelings of guilt at not being able to be all we think we should be. She talked about how our list of things we think we are struggling with or failing at is usually far longer than the list of our strengths. That sometimes we need to adjust our perspective and realize how many things we actually have going for ourselves. She related how the Jewish people were at the 49th level of impurity and yet G-d still decided to redeem them from Egypt. Clearly, we all have things we fall short on and it's ok, we should just keep working on improvement and keeping the connection to G-d. She told a story of a test that her students took where the marks fell far below expectations. She wanted to frame it in a way that would be positive, so she told them a parable. It used to be you needed a map to direct yourself (before Waze and even before GPS). No matter where you were, if you could find your location on the map you could direct yourself. She said that sometimes you fall far from your destination on the map but all you need to do is make a route and plan how to get where you want to be. The poor marks on the test were their location on the map, now they knew what they didn't know and where they needed to get.
Rebbetzin Yaffa Lopiansky was asked how to deal with the commandment to honor one's parents when parents can be extremely challenging. She told an anecdote from her childhood where an entertainer told the story of the giving of the Torah. G-d brought it to many nations and each rejected it for a different reason. When it came to America, the people asked what was in this Torah and G-d responded, "honor your parents," to which the Americans basically said we have Mother's Day and that's enough. She gave practical advice - saying even when a parent is a difficult person you need to respect them and to do that, you should try and find one thing they are very good at. Focus on that one thing and respect that, it will help. She told a story she heard at someone's shiva where the in-laws were not interested in the new son-in-law and didn't treat him well. When those same in-laws were elderly and infirm, the son-in-law took care of them. When his son asked him why, he simply responded that whatever the issues they had with him were their problem, but his responsibility was to honor them and he knew they were great people, it was a them problem not a him problem.
Rebbetzin Dvora Bulman, who side note is a friend from growing up, pretty cool seeing her on that side of the table - spoke about boundaries with personal life and communal responsibilities. She spoke about finding the balance in prioritizing communal needs and family needs and values. She emphasized her view that as the wife of a Rabbi, she felt her first priority was the wellbeing of her own husband (so he could serve the community better) and her children. Her husband worked as a Rabbi in an out of town (even more out of town than Silver Spring) community for many years and they had to find ways to educate their children and send them away while still keeping them close to the family unit. This included finding ways to fly them home on off weekends despite the cost involved.
Rebbetzin Elana Weinberg was asked how we can instill Jewish values in our children while still honoring their individuality. She discussed how modeling behaviors is far more powerful than telling them what to do and how to behave. When they see a parent stopping to pray despite their busy day they learn to make time for prayer. She also shared the idea that sharing your struggles with your children is healthy, that they shouldn't think everything comes easy to you and you don't have a hard time with things. She highlighted a Gemara about how some people need strong iron gates to keep them from doing things but we need the equivalent of a hedge of roses - a reminder about how to behave. She talked about how rules actually provide a framework for our children to live and given full freedom, it is actually no freedom at all. She used an example where a teacher can give an assignment that instructs the students to write about anything in Jewish History. In the end, that is too open ended and withouth guidelines, most people drown in that type of directive. If, however, you say write about a specific time period spanning certain years, you can narrow down what you want to write about much easier. She compared that to the rules we live with - with no rules it is hard to function but within the framework of rules taught lovingly, we can foster children who feel free despite living in a society with rules. She also discussed how sometimes, despite how much we want our children to do whatever they feel is right for them, our society does have rules and we have to put down guidelines and teach what is right and wrong.
I honestly don't remember the question posed to Rebbetzin Devorah Walter, but I remember her talking points. She told a story about a woman who wrote an article about her cup of coffee. She described making a hot cup of coffee and just as she sits down to drink it, she's called by the school and has to run to bring a forgotten lunch. Then she sits down again to her probably lukewarm coffee when the repairman shows up to fix something. Etc. Etc. until she finally gets to her now cold coffee to drink. And then the woman says "Halevei that was my cup of coffee" - meaning I wish that was my life. The author, struggling with fertility issues, always had her piping hot coffee to drink quietly each morning. She reminded us that no matter what our struggles, to have sensitivity to everyone for we are all going through our own situation that, most of the time, no one else likely even knows about. Not to minimize the struggles, but to put them in perspective. I'm sure she discussed something else about struggles but that cup of coffee stayed with me.
Walking away from this incredible evening, where every seat was taken and there were not enough to go around, reminded me of how amazing the community I live in can be. Sometimes we need a reminder, to pull ourselves out of our 4 cubits and realize what surrounds us. That there are so many women, not all of them wives of Rabbis, but every woman in that room has something to give and share and we are all here to support and uplift each other.
Learn more about the Mikvah Emunah Society.
For those interested in donating (I was not asked to share this, but I felt it a worthy cause to spread the word about this), click here.
