It’s the small things…and the big ones too

My birthday just passed and I heard a similar thing from a few people - about what a milestone year it was - I became a grandmother and ran my first marathon. It’s true, both huge things that were life altering. It got me thinking about what truly defines a year or a time period…or our lives. Is it the big things or the small ones? Everyone says it’s the small things in life that count most. I think I might buck conventional wisdom on this one and say I think it truly is both. And maybe the small and the big aren’t as different as we think. And at some point in this post you’ll see how I find this connects to being a parent…

The little things in life make up the everyday. They are crucial. They set the tone and the overall feeling for how our life is. How our house feels. Do we have a relaxing environment to nurture our kids ? Is our life generally a stress free zone where people can enjoy and accomplish. That note you wrote someone just because you wanted to make them smile. The pictures you draw on your kids lunches so they’ll know you’re thinking about them when they’re in school all day. The small things stack up to make a big difference. 

But the big things matter.  And sometimes I think they matter more than we realize. If your life is one that includes many big trips this might not apply to you - but if you’re like us and going on a trip is a big adventure then you might find a family trip is one of those big things. We went to Iceland two years ago as a family. It was the first time we all flew together. My kids can pretty much recall every nuance of that trip. How it felt to experience each piece of it. I can still close my eyes and hear the wind on the coast and smell the sulfur. And it wasn’t just experiencing frozen waterfalls and amazing ice caves that they remember. I think they’re equally fond of telling you how they walked barefoot on ice to get to the backyard hot tub and just hang out. Those memories were made from something big. Stepping out of the ordinary brings out a different side of us. We can walk away from the everyday practicalities of our lives and just be.  Those moments are important.

Becoming a grandmother was another big thing. When it happens it seems to have come on so fast - they were literally your baby just a second ago.  It’s really a lifetime of your child rearing coming to a crescendo.  Every up and down you had with that child, every struggle and triumph. Every sleepless night, diaper you changed, the hours you sat and did homework, the big and the small - all helped shape your child into the person they have become and the life they’ve chosen to live.  Their introduction into parenthood and their approach is all part of that.  The amazing human being they are and the new life that joined your family - all pieces of that.  

And then there is working towards a big goal. For me this past year, it was my marathon. It took a lot of small goals and worked into bigger and bigger ones until I finally was able to tackle the biggest of all. But for me, that wasn’t where that journey ends. It wasn’t about checking a box off and moving on.  It was also about getting there and then saying what’s next here that I can do? And deciding to keep running and loving the everyday part of it. About combining the big and the small together.

Not all big things are one off grand adventures. Just think about when you were dating and decided to get married. Everyone prepares and prepares for that big day - and that day is important and exciting and can be amazing. But the real amazing is what comes next - the life you live together. The everyday you will then spend for years and years. 

So back to being parents in this world of big and small - I feel like sometimes we focus on the big things a lot (currently bar mitzva planning and it definitely gets the lions share of attention) and we forget the small things but other times, we get caught up in the small everyday and forget to make time for those big things. Now, when everyone is either on break or about to have break, is a good time to reassess that balance. Enjoy the big things when you get the chance, keep chugging away at both the big and small - and hopefully you’ll reap the rewards of both types to be able to look back on every year and really feel it was a milestone for you and your family. 

If this was 43, I’m really curious what 44 has in store!

Bullying - Old story, new tactics

 They used to say "Punch a bully in the nose" when advising kids how to deal with bullies.  I'm thinking that should probably be revised for the current day and age.  We have talked in a previous post about realizing your child is bullying other kids, but we haven't yet discussed what to do if you own child is being bullied.  This topic is complicated and certainly doesn't have a one-button answer but I will attempt a beginning in this post.

Before we even begin the how to section - we must acknowledge that bullying has taken on many new faces with the metamorphosis of the internet.  It is easier than ever to bully someone when you’re not face to face, at times with the guise of anonymity, making it an ever more difficult issue to tackle. Our conversation is going to begin with an “in person” bully and hoping we can do a part II of online bullying.

Know Thy Enemy…It’s important to understand what creates a bully. Bullies are usually kids who have self confidence issues.  Bullying others let’s them focus on the perceived shortcomings of their victim instead of focusing and understanding their own feelings.  It is the classic make someone smaller in order to feel bigger scenario.

When a child is being bullied, it is so easy for them to feel like the victim.  The more we empower our kids, the more likely it will be that they can overcome a bullying situation.  

One key element we can give our children when it comes to any situation is the language to address it.  If they can define it, it becomes something more manageable.  Identifying that they are being bullied, letting them share their feelings about the situation and expressing how the behavior makes them feel can empower them.  Make sure not to disregard what they are saying or disparage them when they are sharing. Children need to feel heard and understood. 

Once they have shared, I think it helps to teach them the underlying issues that cause a child to bully them.  If they see the situation for what it is, the other child being weak instead of strong, it helps reframe their understanding of the other child.  I’m not asking you to have your kid pity their bully, but it is truly empowering to let them know that the other child is likely jealous of their strengths and so seeks to diminish them in the eyes of others.

Psychology Today wrote a very practical article with 7 skills  to help a child deal with a bully.  (7 Skills for Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to Bullies | Psychology Today) These include keeping eye contact, reacting quickly so the bully doesn’t have extended power over you, using assertive language and voice and other practical steps. 

There are several important tools to give your child when dealing with a bully:

- Deescalation: it is always easy to stoop to the level of an aggressor  and be mean or physical back but it doesn’t stop a bully. If anything, it encourages them. The best tactic is to walk away. If that isn’t possible, deescalate. Don’t respond to their taunts. Leave situations where they are being aggressive. The less opportunity they have, the less power they have. If your child is very self confident (going into the situation), encourage them to smile back and be polite.  Nothing makes an angry person more irritated than kindness. 

- Be assertive not aggressive: it is good and reasonable to stand up for yourself in a bullying situation.  It is not ok to yell back - it actually makes you look and seem weak to the bully. The best tactic is to learn to respond respectfully but assertively. Examples of this could be  “I don’t like being spoken to in that tone.” “Don’t come into my personal space and intimidate me, I’m not scared of you no matter how close you come.”

- Stay away: If the bully is physical, avoid close contact. Involve an adult as soon as possible. The longer a bully is allowed to behave poorly, the stronger and bolder they tend to get.

- Stick together: having friends around you when near a bully makes it much harder for them to try and taunt or bother you.  Hopefully your friends can stick up for you as well and tell the bully their behavior isn’t cool or acceptable. 

- Involve the School - no matter if the bullying is done on school grounds or off, make sure the school administration is aware of the issue. School is a place that should feel safe for all children and having a bully in your midst does not make kids feel safe.  If needed, ask for more adult coverage during break times. These are prime times for bullies to strike. 

The bottom line is that bullying is a crime of opportunity much of the time. If kids learn to stick together, stand up for each other and know their own strengths, we can help them stand up to bullies and overcome the long term effects of having been bullied. They can’t and shouldn’t have to face it alone. 

Everyone deserves a second chance to make a first impression

 

Today I reran my marathon - yup, you read that right. I had a really tough race this fall and wanted to get another stab at the distance and walk away feeling good and having enjoyed every step. Today, I did that. My good friend who has run more than several dozen marathons was my dedicated pacer (self-proclaimed Sherpa) and we set out long before the light to see if we could re-enact my marathon but better. The experience was incredible. We had company from some of our track friends along the way. I felt uplifted and supported. I literally felt great til mile 25 and then it was far too close to give up - just pushed through some momentary discomfort and crossed our finish line feeling amazing. 

Why am I writing about this on my parenting blog? Well, for starters I write about whatever I want on here 😂. But like most things, this got me thinking. How often do we make a judgement based on a first impression of something and never revisit it? How often does one of our children do the same with a child or a teacher and we just let them sit in that place of judgement? It is so easy to fall into this trap. So easy, especially in today’s hyper media world where everything is done at lighting speed, a text or a post sent out without thought, a brief but off encounter with someone, any number of scenarios I can name which leave us with an impression, often a wrong one, of someone or something. 

We need to take the time to reset our first impressions. We need to allow ourselves to revisit ideas or concepts we have - about people, situations, the world around us. We need to constantly grow and change and evolve and revisit and rethink. The more we do this, the better we will be as humans overall. The less we sit in judgement and the more we open our eyes and our minds to the current realities of things the better we will interact with all parts of our world. 

So yes, I wanted a chance to make a different first impression of what I was capable of in a marathon - but more than that I wanted to reteach myself that everyone deserves a second chance to make a first impression.