Independence

A few summers ago my three oldest daughters went on a trip to Europe alone. They were 19, 18 and 16 at the time. Most people who heard about it actually looked at me like I was insane. Who in their right mind would allow their three teenagers to travel Europe alone. They did something like 8 cities in 16 days and they had the time of their lives. It was amazing exposure to the world, bonding time and an incredible adventure. They worked hard, paid for the majority of the trip alone and, for the most part, navigated the situation on their own. They planned and executed just about every detail alone. But when they were en route to Paris their air bnb fell through at the last minute and they were scrambling and their cell phones were almost out of battery and they had no idea what to do - that’s when they called mommy for a bit of help. I booked them a hotel and sorted things out - swooped in when there was a bit of panic. (To the question of whether we are crazy parents for allowing the trip...jury’s still out. I actually never regretted it for a second - though I definitely worried for more than a few seconds while they were out traipsing the world).

When my kids were little, I was fiercely determined to teach them to be independent. I was that mom who let them choose their clothes and walk out dressed kinda crazy, who insisted they tie their own shoes and button themselves even when it meant things took soooo much longer. There were definitely times I thought to myself - why did I create this monster - we just gotta get out the door.  All I wanted was to make sure they had a strong sense of their own abilities to navigate in a world where all too often you’re on your own and need to know how to maneuver alone.  Now that my first few girls are older and I watch their independence, sometimes it actually scares me. I might have done too good a job at this particular aspect of their life. At times I notice them thinking they have to go at things alone when they could come and get some help or advice or support. So today’s conundrum is - can we teach our kids independence while still leaving the door open to teamwork? Are they mutually exclusive?

Somewhere in this great universe there is an incredible concept called balance - if someone out there has actually found a way to teach it and define it, please share! But in all honesty, I believe there is a tremendous amount of balancing when it comes to life and this issue in particular. We must give our kids their wings and let them fly. They need to trust themselves and their abilities. There are definitely situations where we have to be like those mother birds and push them out of the nest and test their wings. And there are times when they need to fall flat on their faces and pick themselves back up without our help. But there are also times when we need to step in and guide and direct them.   So how can we find the balance on this particular issue? Honestly, part of me thinks we apply so many of the rules we’ve set up for ourselves in parenting already.

To start, how can we foster that much needed independence?

Before delving into the how to - I have to throw a thought out there. Many parents don’t foster independence because of two things - their own fears or because deep down they want their children to need them. Try to remember never to let your fear define their lives. And that they will always need you (read this post on relevance).

Once you remember that, the first question to ask yourself is - what basket does the issue they’re facing fall into? (For a review of the basket method, read this post). If the issue you’re facing is an A basket - especially if their safety is involved, I would strongly suggest that you don’t use it as the time to teach independence. There will be plenty of opportunities to teach it, I personally wouldn’t focus on it with an issue you’re really focused and struggling in with them.

Second, most of independence is about self confidence. Being self aware, knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and believing you can do whatever task is at hand is how most adults approach situations and navigate them. Bolster their self confidence at every turn. If they feel you believe in them, it will help them believe in themselves.

Third, teach them troubleshooting skills. Most problems don’t have one solution- there are so many ways to approach an issue. When you come up against issues with them, discuss the options - talk it through and role play. Let them be the problem solvers. I often apply the rule of 3 (discussed this back in my post about teaching resilience).  If you are constantly feeding them the solutions to their problems, they will feel they need you to come up with those solutions. You’d be amazed what they can come up with given the opportunity.

But, most importantly, remind them they’re never in it alone.

They have you and you will always have their back. Remind them often and especially in difficult situations that they can come to you when they hit a wall. That they should never give up on something because they can’t accomplish it alone. Remind them that everyone needs community and we all thrive on it. Remind them that it doesn’t make them dependent to need help with someone. Show them in your own life how you use your family/friends/community to accomplish your goals. Independence and community are not mutually exclusive. They actually feed each other and allow each to grow and thrive.

There are situations where independence is essential - they must be able to navigate situations and think and strategize and plan and execute alone. But life is not all or nothing and when we are in difficult situations, the best thing we can have is support.

Hitting Reset ... Finding the Love

One of the amazing things about life is that sometimes no matter how right we are, we are actually wrong. That may seem like an odd statement but when you stop to think about it - there are times when we do all the right things, have a solid course of action and a smart, thoughtful plan and yet it goes all wrong. Or it goes right from our end but the recipient doesn’t think it’s gone well at all. In short, even the best laid out plans fail.

As parents we sometimes get into situations where no matter how perfect our strategy - it just is not working. We planned, thought through our goals for the child and the situation and came up with what, objectively, seems like the perfect approach. Despite all of the work and thought we put in, though, the plan fails miserably. Our child is not at all receptive to our approach and no matter how hard we try to discuss, frame, explain - we have to face the truth - it isn’t working. I’ll tell you the truth, sometimes we can’t face that. Or we can’t see it because we are so embroiled in the struggle over whatever it is that we just keep, essentially, banging our heads against the wall.

Recently I had this happen. I was convinced that my approach with a certain issue for one of my kids was the only way. And although logically, my way made sense - my child was not responsive at all. In fact, I was actually shutting them down. And I honestly couldn’t see it myself. It took a wise friend to tell me point blank - “you are failing , you need to stop. Remind your child that you love them and then you need to change gears” (thank you, wise friend, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear).

At that point when you come to this realization you are sort of at a crossroads. You could try another approach (and eventually you probably should) but before you do, sometimes it is important to find the reset button. Take a moment and remember the underlying reason you are doing all of this - your child’s welfare. Because we actually only want what’s best for them. Everything we do for them is ultimately a way to show our love for them. If we didn’t care about them, none of these struggles and failures and successes would mean much. It’s incredibly important to take the time and show them that love.

I heard a beautiful eulogy this past week where the wife of the person who had passed away said “he held my hand through life, literally and figuratively. And every once in a while, he would squeeze my hand to remind me he was there.” It was so touching and also such a great message to take away. We are all in this life together, we are trying our best but even our best just doesn’t cut it sometimes. But everyone, in the end of the day, just needs to feel a little squeeze. A reminder that you are there and even if you’re fighting or struggling or can’t find the same page - you love them. Stress the love.

I strive to give practical advice on this blog - so readers aren’t left feeling like that’s a nice thought but how do I do that when I’m in the middle of world war 3 with my child?

Here’s how - gestures. Big gestures. Small gestures. Any gesture to remind them you are there. Write a card to tell them you love them and you don’t love fighting with them. Buy them flowers. Leave them a little surprise in their backpack that they’ll find and remember how much you care. Text them how proud you are of their accomplishments.

And honestly, don’t wait until you’re deep into battle to do this - try and find small ways to remind them you love them in everyday life. A note in their lunchbox. A fog message on the shower door. Remind them that you’re there. No matter what.

And when you do, you’d be surprised how quickly they may be able to get on board - maybe not with  your original strategy- but likely with a joint strategy they help devise to work through their issues. And they’ll know, deep down, that all you really want is to love them.

When We ARE Wrong

I had an awful exchange with one of my kids recently - I missed every parenting mark in the book, I forgot to start with praise, tell them all the positives and then gently work into my issue. And they were genuinely upset - and rightly so. Thankfully, being a good communicator they were able to tell me why they felt what they felt (the next morning) - and that there were so many positive things I could have said before I told them about this issue.  I felt horrible and truthfully realized I had made a huge mistake.  And I admitted it to them straight out - you are right, I was wrong and I should have done this differently.  But this whole exchange got me to thinking about getting critiqued by our kids.  We previously discussed how to teach our kids to take criticism (see previous post) but we haven't really touched on the subject of how to react when they criticize US.

As it seems with many parenting discussions, this is a complicated discussion.  Firstly, everyone has different theories about how the respect aspect factors into their parenting.  Second, some people truly believe that parents should be an unquestioned source and that kids just have to accept what the parent does is for the best.  I, however, am kind of in a different camp on this one than those parents.  I believe our kids need to respect us, not so much fear us as ancient parenting wisdom calls for, but definitely respect.  But I don't believe parents are flawless creatures, ones whose children are basically at their mercy.  Lets be honest - there is a lot of trial and error when it comes to parenting.  We do our best, but at times we act impulsively, we are thoughtless, we make mistakes - big and small, in short, we act HUMAN! Whatever age our kids are at the time of our mistake, they can always learn something by us admitting the mistake and modeling how to apologize and take responsibility for our errors.  I don't think there is anything wrong with this, in fact I think there is a lot right about it. 

Obviously, we have to keep the conversation respectful in every aspect.  And we walk a fine line when we allow them to question our actions - this opens up a huge opportunity for them to question every move we make.  But I think there are ways to minimize that while still allowing for this unique opportunity to model this behavior.

For starters, try to recognize your error before they do.  If you do something/say something and then realize it was not appropriate - admit it before they come to you.  By doing this, you are modeling the ability to accept responsibility for your actions while not giving them the chance to question your behavior.  It minimizes that door opening effect.

If, however, you didn't catch your mistake before they did - I think it is important to be open and honest.  Listen to their criticism or complaint, hear them out before you try to respond.  Validate their feelings, it makes them feel heard.  Attempt not to make excuses.  It is easy to rationalize our behaviors but it only teaches them to rationalize their own mistakes.  Just accept the responsibility.  Then do the simple (but very difficult) thing of apologizing.  Try not to let it become a global issue (you always...you never... are some phrases I would steer clear of on both sides of this conversation) but keep to the matter at hand - I was wrong when I did XYZ, I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings...etc.  Try not to let them turn it into a trial of your parenting (this is something you may struggle more with teenagers than a younger child you made a mistake with).  Just remember to keep on topic.  If they try to steer the conversation to the general - bring it back in with something like "we're just going to discuss the issue at hand and the mistake I made in this instance."

I think the most important thing about making mistakes with our children is showing them that we are people, that we try our best but don't always get it right but we care and want to change and fix our errors.  I believe there is no better lesson for them in life than to see that even adults, who they may see as finished products, are actually work in progresses just like they are.  Aside from the benefit of modeling this behavior for them while they are still home and growing and developing, who knows if maybe once they are adults they'll remember these times and be more motivated to continue to work and grow and develop far past their young years.

That Darn Frontal Lobe

Many parents have heard the research these days about how the frontal lobe isn’t fully developed in teenagers.  Historically it was believed that development was completed by age 10 but more recent science and research has shown that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until the early 20’s.  So this may help us understand how our teenagers actually think.  What seems like insanity, obvious, nonsense, just doesn’t actually appear the same to them.  In an NPR article I read recently, they described it as

"It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly."  (Morning edition, March 2010)

So why, you may ask, am I citing articles and thinking about this? It is actually fairly straightforward.  Every time I have a confusing interaction with my teenagers and I start to think ‘is this me or them?’ I need to remind myself, its kind of neither.  They don’t see the world and reality in the same way we do as adults.  And it isn’t just about not having enough experience, though that obviously plays a part, it is actually because they are wired differently – or actually, not fully wired yet, according to the science that backs this up.

What seems so obvious to us, like the truth and reality is staring them in the face or the consequences of whatever said action might be are not worth it, actually doesn’t appear the same to them.

Can we change this? Can we alter their view of reality? Do we need to?

These are hard questions to answer and ones that obviously need a lot of situation specific answers.  But I do think there are some general rules we can use to help guide us through this difficult journey.

Rule #1 – asses what is at stake.  Is their safety at risk? Are they putting themselves or others at risk with their behavior? When it comes to poor choices, some affect your child more than others.  Some academic move they make at school should definitely be addressed differently than a physical safety concern.  For example, just because they don’t fully comprehend and understand the consequences of allowing kids to ride in their car without seatbelts doesn’t mean you should let that behavior slide.  Back to square one with that one, no discussion just repurcussion.  You laid out the rules of driving when you handed them the car keys (I hope, and if you didn’t, time to rewind and remind them of the rules) and if they didn’t follow them, consequences will dictate that they lose the privelege of driving.  Whereas not studying for a test and not thinking through the consequences of failing to put in effort and how that may or may not affect their ability to get into certain colleges should certainly be handled differently.  Yes, both of these speak to their lack of development in the front lobe – they aren’t comprehending the long term impact of their behaviors – but they should be addressed in different ways. 

Rule #2 – role play/discuss the scenarios.  Yes it’s back to my talking agenda. They may or may not be open to listening but that doesn’t mean to stop the talking (see my post on keeping up the talk  with your kids).  Help them think through the impact of their behaviors – big and small.  Are they planning a school prank that may not be seen as funny by the people involved? Help them assess the ramifications of their behavior before they put it into effect. 

Rule #3: Stress their importance. Sometimes teens feel like islands adrift. Alone. They don’t realize they are part of a community and they have a place. What they do matters to them and to others. It’s a reality we as parents should remind them. I honestly believe it will help them find their way and develop that awareness that may be naturally lacking or too early for them to understand. Do they continuously ignore the obvious truths staring right at them - concern from family or friends about being withdrawn or their principal repeatedly calling them out on the same issue? Discuss how people care about them and only want what’s best for them. That the greater collective of people really are out for their best. Show them both sides of whatever the issue is. Try to help them see beyond their limited and under developed view of the world. Past the judgements they believe people are making and into the real issues at hand. 

We can’t rush the frontal lobe into developing faster and there are going to be many times where despite our best efforts, their perspective is going to be from Pluto and ours from Mars or Venus but we may bridge the gap and help them past some of the big and small issues. With some luck maybe we can even tackle the really important ones that they face. 

Strategic Parenting

Recently I had a dilemma with a child where I had to get to the bottom of something and I knew my child wasn’t being completely honest with me from their end. I felt like a master manipulator as I attempted to get to the bottom of the issue from several different angles and I was left feeling like somehow even though I knew I did what I had to do, I was being dishonest to my true self. I’m a straight arrow and I follow rules. I say it like it is and often say it was too much like it is. I don’t couch truths or step carefully where feelings may be hurt - even to a fault. I know this about myself and yet there I was essentially bending truths and pushing limits - and telling myself it didn’t feel like me yet it felt necessary.

And so, today, dear readers - I deal with a tricky question - can we bend the truth when it comes to our kids and helping them resolve issues? Can we fudge the lines - in an ends justify the means type move?

A colleague of mine had a great term when we were discussing this issue - he told me it’s not manipulative when you’re a parent doing things for your child - it’s strategic parenting. And I knew instantly that he had Just coined what would become a favorite phrase for me. A concept i can cling to when my moral compass needs some calming down. Parenting is such a tricky thing - there are inevitably times when no matter how much we want to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, we can’t for the sake of our child. And yet we are still doing the right thing. 100% without a shred of doubt.

Obviously this presents some technical issues. First, being strategic is complicated. Whereas truths are easy to keep straight, everyone knows when you start to bend reality in any way you get into murky waters. You must keep your story straight. You cannot mix up the plan. It takes extremely careful planning and forethought to be a strategic parent. You must understand your goal and trust your gut. Think through the angles thoroughly before you take even the smallest step in these situations. The Most important thing is that your child can’t actually know the steps you’ve taken or the pieces you’ve put into place - yes, they are to their benefit but they don’t always have to understand the behind the scenes.

Since this seems very abstract, I’ll use an oversimplified example. Let’s take a teenager who you believe is cheating on their tests at school. The only reason this came to your attention in our example is because the friend they are cheating from spilled the beans to another kid in your carpool when they thought you could hear nothing of their conversation. Now of course you could go to your kid and confront them with the accusations but you have no proof and honesty no reasonable way to come and tell them without revealing your sources. And we all know how kids feel about snitches. Loyalty is of the utmost importance when you’re a teenager. So you need to think strategically.

First you ask yourself - what’s my goal? If you identify what you aim for your child to gain it will help you form a plan. It’s not always easy to know what you want out of a situation. Merely to “catch” them doesn’t really do much. When I’m thinking of my goals I like to focus on process. I want them to learn from their mistake. I want them to be able to admit and identify the point at which they went wrong so they can correct it for the future. I want them to learn the steps to the process so they can succeed in the future and not repeat the same mistake.

Back to our teen who we believe cheated on the test. So what’s the idea behind catching them? Or preventing a repeat episode? Clearly a child who cheats on a test is struggling. They may be struggling with the material being taught and too embarrassed to reach out for help lest they seem stupid. Or they may be struggling with test taking skills - even with all the material understood and comprehended perfectly it may be too hard for them to get their ideas across. Or, let’s face it this could be the case, they may be on the lazy side and don’t want to put the work in to get it done and be ready (but usually there’s both a pattern you could identify there and also an underlying cause of laziness). Before you take any action, do your best to identify the cause.

Now how could you strategically deal with our example? You could have a discussion with the teacher (if they’re the partnering type) and give them a heads up about what you think is going on in their class. Discuss your goals with them so it doesn’t just become a punitive fallout. If the issue is comprehension, after the inevitable fallout, talk to your child about how they tried to get help with the material and what else they could have done before resorting to cheating on a test (come to you for help, for example). Make sure you don’t get caught up in the catching them aspect and more focused on the process of how they can learn from the episode. No, it’s not telling on your child - it is helping them. The teacher could then catch the offenders and get to the bottom of the situation and no one was the wiser that you had a hand in it. You could talk to someone else in the school, resource or a counselor, have them assess your child for the issues you suspect - again no one has any clue you intervened.  You obviously can do many other things, plant some false cheat sheets, etc if you feel there’s a way they’ll learn from failing the test they thought they would ace through cheating. Like I said, it feels like scheming sometimes but there are times when scheming is helpful.

The bottom line is we walk a fine line as parents. Yes, we want to be straightforward and honest at all times - but when dealing with kids and their issues, especially kids who get into hard stages and patterns, it is not always easy to find way to help them through. They get to points where they don’t want your help or advice and still, you are their parents and they need you, even when you don’t know it. Use your wits and your creative abilities and even in the most difficult scenarios you will hopefully find a way in. And yes, sometimes they’ll never know the lengths you went to to help them through but that’s what being a mom or dad really is, they’ll never get it til it’s their turn.

Relevance

I sometimes wonder if I’m alone in wondering how relevant I am in life. It’s something people are too afraid to admit most of the time but likely no less true. We are all trying to find a place in this vast universe where we mean something to someone. Where we leave a mark and have something to be remembered by. Have you ever thought about how relevant you are in your own life, in your own family, with your own kids? I think most parents get to a point where they ask themselves these questions. Are your kids growing up and becoming less dependent? There’s probably a part of you that’s relieved (you can finally venture to the bathroom alone!) and a part of you that’s struggling with the distance. I think this grows stronger the older kids get.

Yes, there are definitely people who count down the days to the college move out or the camp send off - but I would venture to guess everyone, to some degree or another, struggles with these feelings at some point. The question really is, are we relevant? And what exactly determines our relevance? Is it physical dependence? Financial? Emotional?

In my humble opinion, I think the real key here for long term relevance is emotional connection. Kids (and most people in our lives at any point) will eventually outgrow most of their dependence on us. If they don’t outgrow it, if you don’t let them spread their wings and learn to fly, you’re actually doing them a disservice. They should be trained to be competent and confident. They should be taught the skills to go out on their own and function in society and be productive members of our world community. But with all of their capabilities, if we foster an emotional connection they will still want and enjoy that bond.

The biggest question is how to best foster an emotional connection with our children. Figuring out how to physically care for them is a huge challenge but also something intuitive. We hear their cries as babies and learn to decipher them - feed me, change me, hold me. We learn, albeit with a steep learning curve at times, how to guide ourselves and our families through these stages. Financial dependence also comes along the same type of route. As the family grows and the needs grow, we attempt to adjust our financial concept and support the life we have created. But building emotional connections is a whole different world. As kids grow they naturally distance themselves as they explore friends, social circles, and all manner of environments. Naturally they pull away and stop sharing (for those who shared to start) and we are often left feeling like there’s no way to connect. Discussions turn more into interrogation sessions in their opinion. We find ourselves interacting mostly over what can and can’t be done rather than about life, feelings, and experiences.

So what can we do to maintain that connection?

 First, don’t wait for them to start the conversations. Talk. Talk. Talk. It doesn’t need to be about something big or important, just keep the conversation flowing. Use opportunities that present themselves - the dinner table, the car ride home from school, anywhere you can get their attention or even part of it - make it a chance to talk. Like most things in life, practicing builds a skill. Practice the conversation skill and usually eventually they’ll start to respond.

Second, focus on what interests them, not just you. It’s unlikely they want to hear about the latest screw up in your office or an article you read in the business times. They probably do want to discuss something they’re interested in. Lately I’ve watched my teenagers sitting and engaging with one of my husbands best friends and I observed that it’s because he still has the spark in him of a teenager - he can get excited about sports, their crazy stories, he can talk the talk and walk the walk. I’m trying to learn from that and find stuff they’re focused on and learn about it. I may hate sports but if my 15 year old wants to discuss the fantasy draft I’ll be a ready study. Figure out a book they’re reading with their friends and read it too. Watch the TV series they’re into so you can catch up on the latest with them. It may not be your passions but you’ll be amazed how fast they become big talkers. I think the more they see you as interested in their life the more you build the emotional connection.

Third, spend time even when it doesn’t involve conversation. Exercise together. Train for a run with them. Quiz them for their exam. Doodle next to them as they work. Sit quietly and read next to them on the couch. Have them sit at the kitchen counter doing their homework as you cook. Don’t fall into the trap of having them come home, retreat to their room and only emerge for food.  Make your house a space where they can live and relax and bring their people in. Try and create a space to be together. It’s amazing how even subconsciously we can build connections this way.

Let’s face it, the more you feel needed and wanted by someone the more relevant you feel in life. We all need validation- some people can admit that and others have a harder time saying it aloud. But when it comes to our kids, there’s a deep and real need to keep that relevance without letting it stifle their growth and development. I truly think with the conversations flowing and shared space and experience, you’ll find the kids coming more and more with the real things they need to talk about and the small details that make up our lives because they’re already accustomed to having conversations, of all types, with you.

Identifying Real Issues

I've had several discussions over the past year where a friend would tell me something that their child was displaying and a red flag went up in my mind - the type of 'I've seen that before and that isn't going to fix itself' type of flag.  When I mentioned to a friend recently that I think their child may be dealing with thing X and I've had experience with that issue, one of my own kids commented that not every kid who does Y has X issue just because that was my child's problem.  And I agree, sometimes we jump into situations and assume an issue exists when we may not have enough evidence or experience to 'diagnose' the issue.  But I think there are some things that come up with kids that leave us questioning whether this issue is a real issue or a phase that will pass, something that when they mature will resolve itself.  Is whatever the behavior at issue is annoying/hard to deal/driving us insane but clearly a stage they are going through or is this something we need to deal with head on/get professional help/do something about in order to intervene with whatever is going on.  And how are we, the parents, supposed to know which is which?

I think this is a complex issue to face as parents.  And I am going to admit, right off the bat, that there are going to be times when you miss and I would urge you, before we even begin this discussion, not to beat yourself up about those times.  We can't and won't be parents who know every bit of medical science and psychology to diagnose every issue we see in our children.  Sometimes the answers are blatant and clear - but not usually.  I myself have a daughter who had a brain tumor as a baby and when we look back to her diagnosis, there were so many red flags and even ones that we saw and brought her to doctors for and they misdiagnosed them as something else (when her eyes didn't look in one direction we took her to a top pediatric specialist and they said she had weak muscles without even taking any scans!).  Whatever issue you are facing, whenever you do catch it - I truly believe that is the right time for it to be caught.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be on alert for issues in our lives and try our best to catch what we can as fast as we can.

First things first, there are always going to be behaviors that our children have that set off flags in our minds.  Most of these behaviors are normal parts of child development.  I would say that most kids, as they approach the middle school years, go through an incredibly annoying phase where they can't figure out if they are little kids or big kids and they tend to needle the adults and bigger kids in their lives a lot at this time.  I don't believe these kids all have social issues that need to be approached - I think they're just in a naturally annoying phase.  In that phase, they don't necessarily pick up on every social que.  That doesn't mean they all need social skills training (though a bit of that in groups at school can prove very useful).  I believe that there are some signs that raise red flags and those are the things we should be looking at when trying to decide if intervention is needed.

There are several categories of red flag issues and I can't hope to cover them all in one post - but I'll start with broad strokes. 

Social Behavioral Issues -
When trying to determine if a behavior is not age appropriate, the first thing I do is to look at your child's peers.  Do they display similar behaviors? Is your child having a difficult time interacting with their peers? If your child is fine with their friends but only displaying this type of behavior at home or with siblings, that is actually a very healthy sign.  It may mean the behavior needs to be addressed at home, but it is a key to knowing your child is not struggling with a larger issue.  If the social interaction with their peers is suffering, then more than likely something bigger is going on.  If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they are usually a good first step to discussing troubling behaviors with.  Often they will have recommendations of where to start to get evaluations etc.

Cognitive/Educational Issues -
If the issue at hand is more cognitive or educational - the first thing to do is talk to your school.  Even if you aren't worried about a "big" issue, most teachers will have noticed a lot of whatever the behaviors you are concerned about.  Even if they haven't yet picked up on the issue, they are a good point of reference to figure out if this is something that just needs a little extra support or if your child has an educational issue that needs to be addressed.  Often people get frustrated because the school isn't responsive or has no idea how to identify the issues.  This is really a post in and of itself but as a brief point, more and more data is being collected about the learning issues that are not easily identifiable - things that fall much more into the executive functioning category.  If your child struggles in school but it doesn't seem to fit into the traditional Learning Disability categories and you've had them tested and been told they don't have an issue but you just know there is something that isn't right about how they are learning, just know there are other things out there that haven't even been identified yet.  Trust your gut and keep looking for answers.

Physical Issues -
This is going to be more on the way out there spectrum than some people like but if you see your child is suffering from ailments that can't necessarily be identified by regular medicine (frequent infections needing antibiotics, never ending viruses etc), I think it pays to explore how these things are all connected.  Sometimes the Doctors look at things through their medical lens and don't necessarily look at the body as a whole.  If you see the pieces adding up, it is likely something is being overlooked.  I wouldn't jump to the worst case scenarios to start - but again, trust your gut.  You are the parent and you have a certain amount of intuition which you shouldn't ignore.  Often, some food or environmental factors may be at play and once you figure it out, all the small things resolve themselves.  There are times when an osteopath may be worth consulting with if traditional MD's aren't helping you get the answers that you need. 

Emotional Issues (sometimes with physical parts) -
Here is one of the hardest things to figure out with kids.  An issue which is emotional has no predetermined guidelines to teach you what the "norm" really is and everything is by feel.  I find with my own kids that more often than not, they try and convince me that it is I who suffers from paranoia and they have no issue going on at all.  All I can say is, that usually hasn't been the case.  Kids who seem overly on edge and appear to be tense and short circuiting often are usually hiding some type of emotional issue they are facing.  These can range from tensions with friends that they can't seem to sort through to eating disorders and anything in between.  There are big and small issues but most of these need some sort of intervention.  At times, having the school counselor get involved is enough to kick start the process to figuring out how to deal with these.  Other times, outside help in the form of mental health professionals are needed.  Again, consulting with both your school and your pediatrician can be very useful in these situations.  Look at those professionals are your partners in helping you figure out how to best help your child.

I know this has painted some very broad strokes over issues which are complex - but we have to start the discussion somewhere.  Always remember these essential things:
1. You're the parent  and you should listen to your intuition - if something doesn't seem right, it is worth exploring
2. You have resources to help you - the doctor and the school are the first places to start - but family, professionals, etc are all there to help you figure out the right path to take
3. As long as you don't jump to conclusions or something extreme - a little exploration about a red flag never hurt anyone and more often than not helped lots of people.

You can never know what is truly a problem and what is just a phase, but using some of these points as a guide will hopefully help you begin the process of figuring that out.

Forgiveness

I think most parents have had some version of the following conversation- child did something wrong and parent says “say your sorry” and child does/doesn’t easily comply with the directive. If the child doesn’t, there’s usually some scuffle over getting them to comply, possibly some guilt (don’t you feel bad about what you did) etc. Sometimes I really wonder about this whole exchange. It is all so common to ask kids to apologize - but does apologizing for the sake of apologizing actually do anything ? Is the child feeling sorry if they’re told to apologize? What is the point of an apology that’s sought out? I honestly feel like this in many contexts - adult to adult does it make you feel better if someone wronged you and you have to ask for an apology or even have to point out to them what they did - do apologies really help or is there something more we, as people, need to move past some wrong that was done to us?

I guess to start with I’ll have to admit - I think saying sorry does help. There’s something to the act of having to admit to the person that we did something and we made a mistake. Maybe it’s slightly humbling. I’m not saying a child gets that completely to start with but it is definitely a good habit to build.

But I think there’s more to sorry than just words. I think it’s important to let mistakes become building blocks for kids. Conversation starters, if you will, where we can help our children discuss and dissect what happened and why. Did they fail to notice that their behavior was rude? Did they miss a chance to be kind? Did they possibly take advantage of someone else’s situation in an unfair way? Whatever the underlying cause of the mistake is, it’s best to help them identify it. Self reflection is such a crucial skill to build with kids. The younger you start the easier it is for them to be honest.

It’s important to keep a few key things in mind when having these conversations :
1. Don’t blame - it puts people on the defensive and is useless - discuss how something might make you or someone feel but not whose fault something is
2. Don’t use GUILT - guilt is not a feeling I think is useful for anyone and it is something that builds and gets carried around in life line an unwanted weight on your shoulders.
3. Be kind - when someone did something wrong, even a small child, they usually know it deep down. Don’t make them feel worse than they already do.

The best thing we can do for our kids is to help them build a picture of themselves as human - people who make mistakes but learn from and fix them. I think those apologies will serve them far better than a “say your sorry” directive.

New Year ... New Rules?

So a new year just began this week for those who observe the Jewish calendar and it got me thinking about New Years resolutions and changing things up. Mostly I have been thinking of how to find that reset button for bad patterns or habits we have allowed to fester in our house. And how, exactly, one goes about resetting the rules once kids are already into a routine?

Take, for example, our good old standby - electronics. Let’s assume you introduced electronics to your children without a solid framework for how to limit their access. Before you know it, your child is totally addicted to this awful device and your once interactive child is withdrawn and glued to their device every possible second. You’re sitting there trying to figure out how to restart - devise a thought out plan and approach to limiting their access. Every attempt you’ve made has fallen flat - they keep going back to the fact that you didn’t have that rule before so it’s not fair for you to change the rules in the midst of the game.

On the one hand, it’s true that change is hard and seems unfair to a child who was used to things being a certain way. On the other hand, we can’t all get it right the first time around. Sometimes change, while hard, is necessary.

Back to New Years resolutions- every year many people all around the globe take a step back and evaluate their lives. They try and pick some area they have performed to less than perfection and resolve to do things differently. Why can’t we do the same with our kids and our parenting? I say we can. And we should. Yes - change is hard. Mostly, we will suffer when we make a change more than anyone else - because we have to stick with it despite the resistance, the tantrums, the upset. But change is worthwhile. And, as the adults, we are in control. We must take that control and embrace it.

In order to effectively change anything in life - it’s important to remember 4 key things:
1. Focus - Rome wasn’t built in a day - it was built one structure at a time. Pick one thing to change and focus on that item alone.
2. Be consistent- if you’re all gung ho about your new rule but drop it within a week it’ll be hard for kids to take you seriously. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself to stick with the resolve
3. Don’t back down! Kids will resist changes, especially ones they deem to be “unfair” - don’t worry about what they think, it’s not a popularity contest. Remember you’re doing what you know is best for them!
4. Partner! Whoever your coparent May be - get them onboard so you have a uniform approach. Kids will look for every crack in the armor!

Going back to our example, resetting the rules for electronics is a hard process. Clear rules have to be established, usually devices have to be physically removed (possibly by force) for times when they are not to be used. Children, especially teens, will likely rage when these rules are put into place. But the good news is that if you stick to the rules and follow through, change is possible. And with those changes will usually come growth.  At my house, we’re going through this process now and I’m going to do my best to reread this daily until the storm passes and our new course is forged!

How Can We Teach Real Internet (and basic) Safety?

For those of you who follow the media, this past week had yet another case of an educator who sadly had problems with child pornography and apparently may have even used his students to fuel his erroneous behavior. These stories break our hearts and fill them with dread. In a world where so much happens virtually, when meeting face to face is becoming more rare by the day, how can we protect our kids from people who may do terrible things to them?  This is a question I really grapple with. Most of us take the approach that we must allow our kids some amount of access to the digital world - for the majority of kids if you don’t expose them to it they will find ways to get to it without you - so how can we at the same time protect them and expose them to these possibilities? In a discussion this past weekend, someone mentioned to me that often these predators pose as teenagers and “it’s just the way things are that kids think it’s normal to send pictures to each other.”  It really got me to thinking about what, if anything, we can teach the kids to protect themselves and respect themselves.  In my opinion, those are two distinct items and both need to be addressed to have this conversation.

Let's start with some practical safety.  Kids need to learn both internet safety and general rules of dealing with adults. 

To begin with, internet safety is something that has become a part of many school curricula.  The school that my children attend has a curriculum called digital citizenship which I’ve been impressed with - they start at a young age and really try and help the kids understand the power and dangers of the internet and how to avoid them.  If your child's school doesn't have something like this in place, I'd highly recommend petitioning for it.  I've noticed a distinct change in my younger kids approach to an online presence from this program.  I think its essential they start early, before most kids even have their own devices, since these behaviors are far easier to mold then to change once they've already started their online habits and social media presence they present to the world.  It is never too late, of course, to create good boundaries and habits.  As far as home is concerned, I think it is essential for kids to share all passwords with their parents, so you have the ability to log in at any time and check what has been happening.  This shouldn't be solely at times you are worried, make a habit of checking in regularly.  I discussed some of the technology issues we face with kids in a previous post on technology  so I don't want to get too detailed on that front, just to remind parents that there is a huge world out there and your kids will, if left unchecked, most likely have a lot of exposure you don't necessarily want if you aren't on top of it. 

As for general safety with adults, a wise pediatrician once counseled parents to teach their kids a basic rule - no adult will ever need your help with a private part of their body.  If they ever ask you to help them with a private part, immediately leave and get your parent.  If you can't, then tell your parents right away once you are out of the situation.  This is something I hadn't previously thought about - a good approach to teach your kids how to protect themselves.  I had always approached this from the angle of the child, if you ever need help with something on your own body - you can ask a parent or Doctor to help, but never another adult.  And if an adult tells you they need to help you, say no and tell a parent.  I think both angles are essential.

Once we have established these basic safety guidelines for the kids - I think we have a completely separate issue to address to try and protect kids from predators and anyone else who may take advantage of their naivete.  When I talk to my kids about romantic relationships, I try to approach it from a perspective of respect.  People who care about each other must respect each other.  I know it is difficult for many people to have these conversations, but it is important.  I explain that when you love someone enough to want to share your physical self with them, it needs to come from a place of deep respect because no one who cares about you should ever put you in a position where you are merely a physical object to them.  And I am honest that once you introduce this aspect into your relationship, things change.  It is so important for them to understand that a relationship must be able to stand on its own feet before you add a physical element to it.  Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you feel marriage is the first time there can be intimacy or if you feel it is appropriate to introduce at another stage in a relationship, I think everyone will agree that respect and love come first, intimacy second.  If we can help our children to truly understand and value themselves this way, I don't think they'd easily share indecent photos of themselves over the internet with anyone.  I am in no way blaming any child that fell prey to this, I am only trying to help others realize that even if the person on the other end of that line is another teen or someone they even want to eventually get to a physical point with, that is not the respectful way anyone who values them would get to that point. 

There is no simple way to protect our children from the myriad of issues which can come at them from the world as it is, it is complicated and there are so truly disturbed people out there who will find ways to take advantage of them - but we can try our best to build as many walls for them as possible and pray each day that no one finds a way to breach them.

Coparenting

Before I start, wanted to say sorry I missed last week - I got the unique opportunity to get away from everything for a few days and I soaked in the sun and sand and atmosphere and didn’t log onto a computer aside from checking work emails a few times. Always nice to get that break and I am truly grateful. It did, however, give me time to think about a topic I’ve wanted to discuss for a while - how to coparent. This kind of seems like an easy question - we decide to partner with someone for life and start a family with them - of course we should easily be able to coparent with them. It does seem logical but I don’t believe that it is at all. Let’s be real - how many of us even discussed how we’d parent before we had our kids? Maybe some people had big ideas about the type of parent they would be - but specifics of day to day? I can’t count the number of times one parent tells me that their spouse disciplines their kids a certain way and it drives them crazy - one parent believes they need to yell to prove a point to a child and the other is against yelling ever. One parent believes in the need to let the baby cry to sleep and the other can’t handle it. There are so many examples of this I could likely list a page worth but you get my drift - it’s challenging to coparent and strategize together about how to approach our kids and yet we must. So what’s the best way to approach this crucial piece of our daily lives to create a unified and consistent approach for our kids that we can both agree on and be comfortable with?

Like most things in life - there is no magic button answer. But there are things we can discuss and think about which will help us plan our approach. The first and most important step in my opinion is to start the discussion. I’ve noticed that all too often in life and especially in relationships, people shy away from talking about topics that are difficult or cause conflict. Yes, it is hard to talk about things that you know you disagree about - but you need to. There’s no real good way to say that part of it. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows and we’re gonna have hard topics and situations but remember you’re in it together.

Second, I strongly advise not to approach it in the moment and definitely not in front of the kids in the moment. Your kids shouldn’t see you challenging the authority of your partner. I must admit this to be my weakest spot in life - when I see it I say it - and I have to work so hard to bite my tongue and remember after the fact to address an approach I didn’t like. In your children’s mind, you should be united and on the same side. It is so easy for kids to try to play parents against each other - especially as they get older and want to manipulate situations - so don’t give them the chance. But also, like so many things, approaching it in the moment makes people defensive and in a state of defensiveness you aren’t open to much. If your partner is struggling with a child’s rude behavior or lack of responsiveness to authority and, for example, they raise their voice to the child (something you can’t stand) - the worst thing to do at that moment would be challenge their authority. You’ve not only diminished their authority in the child’s eyes but you’ve kind of beaten them while they’re down and that would damage their own perception of their parenting. It creates a situation between you where you are introducing conflict and that is not conducive to coparenting. A better way to deal with this would be after the fact, once their own upset has passed and you’re not in the child’s presence - to discuss how it makes you feel when you see a child being yelled at (or better yet when someone yells at you).  Talk about alternative approaches to the behavior and voice your disagreement for the approach. I think giving concrete alternatives helps a lot (the key difference between criticism and constructive criticism).

Third, you’re not always gonna win the day - this is very hard to accept, especially for people who have strong opinions. There are two parents and usually that will mean there are situations where you feel one way and your partner feels a different way. It’s easy to talk about compromising in life theoretically but let’s be honest, there are things that you can’t compromise about. Sometimes it’s my way or your way. And you can’t always have your way. So think about what things are critical for you and what you’re more flexible about. Whether it is yelling or spanking or condescending talk or whatever your hot button topic is, your can’t be crossed line, lay it out clearly. If there are things you dislike but don’t think are as important - don’t harp on them. It is important not to make every thing a discussion. This can be really hard for people - especially stronger minded people who are used to voicing their opinions. No one wants to hear that everything they do is the wrong approach.

Last, but definitely not least, make sure to complement your partner on their wins - on the times they do a great job with the kids and handle a particularly difficult situation with calm and grace and the exact right approach. None of us are immune to praise and we all need a lot of it when it comes to handling tough times with our kids. Parenting can be a real challenge at times and it feels so good to know and appreciate when you got it right on the first try. Seems silly but believe me it really is not.

And let me be honest, sometimes when I think these things through and write about them I think it sounds unattainable - like for real who is gonna stop and think in the moment and reroute their every move with their kids? But then I think that life is really a work in progress and that’s our job as people - to keep attempting to grow and improve - so we gotta keep plugging and eventually we will get it. And with parenting especially we gotta keep trying because, like many things, we get better with age and time and experience so the more we think about and scrutinize ourselves the better our chances of getting it right the next time.

Back to School Transitions - Part 2

Last week we discussed how to ease our transition into the start of the school year. This week I wanted to toss out a few ideas of how to make this time smoother for the kids themselves. The first thing I notice when my kids go back to school is the instant negativity towards homework (especially for the more advanced years of school when it’s no longer cool to have homework) and how any teacher that impinges on their precious free time at home after school immediately turns into Enemy #1.  Another thing I notice for some kids is the struggle with organization. This may manifest itself in so many ways - messy lockers, what seem to be black hole backpacks and disorganized thought processes when they have to sit down and buckle down.

I think the first thing to stress to ourselves when our kids are in school is that this is their experience and not ours. It’s not a contest of whether they achieve certain grades or turn in homework with every answer correct. It’s about learning and the process of learning. So try to keep this in mind when they are doing their homework - answer their questions but do your best to encourage the process - give them leading answers, if that makes sense.  Don't outright tell them what it is - try and help them come to the answers themselves.  Yes, this takes far more time but in the end they will learn two skills - 1. whatever the teacher was teaching them 2. that THEY CAN DO IT and to trust their thought process.

As far as the homework itself goes - try and work with your child to figure out the best way to make it the least painful experience.  Not every child can come home from a long day of school, grab a bite and dive right in.  Yet putting it off seems so difficult - how can you get them to sit back down after playing and chilling to actually get the assignments done?  I've found with my kids that some of them figure this out on their own, naturally being academic or organized enough to get the work done, while others really struggled.  Mostly, I've taken the approach that their is no "set" time for homework for the household - although that is a lot more work on my part - but I've tried to figure out over the years what works best for each kid.  If they are the type, I say buckle down, get it over with and then have your evening to yourself.  But if they are the type who just needs time to zone out, we set a specific time for the homework (usually for these type of kids, after dinner because it is also unfair to everyone to have to wait for them once they couldn't conform with the house schedule) and let them sit themselves down, with a reminder if needed, to approach it in their own good time.  This is especially crucial to work on as they get towards middle and high school where the days at school get longer and the homework builds up to sometimes an unbearable workload - they have to learn how to pace themselves and not just assume they can get it done fast because it becomes harder and harder to do. 

A good thing to remember - if they seemed overwhelmed even under the best conditions - talk to the teacher.  Most teachers didn't send the homework to make the kids miserable.  If it is taking an inordinate amount of time - they probably either misunderstood the assignment or are struggling in class with the material.  Most teachers are very nice and reasonable human beings who will work with you to pinpoint the issue and will adjust the assignments, if needed.  If the kids are in older grades, try and have them self advocate before you dive in - but if it isn't working and they don't know how to approach it or the teacher doesn't seem to be responsive, get involved.  Meet with the teacher and them together, if they're older and can't do it solo, so they learn how to work through the issues.

As far as organization goes - I'm a huge proponent of setting up systems for success.  One of my children has a massive executive dysfunction.  For those not familiar, this, in layman's terms, basically means the center for organization in her brain doesn't work properly and the neuro-pathways that should exist to connect how to organize specific things were (in her case) destroyed by invasive treatments.  For some kids, they were born this way and just don't have the ability to do many tasks that involve organization.  Transitions also prove difficult for kids with executive dysfunction (and lots of other kids who don't do well with change). One of the best things that a neuro-psychologist taught me when she was in grade school was that you can actually rebuild these pathways through modeling.  A very useful tool to do this is by making checklists.  Checklists break down tasks into their smaller pieces and help kids learn the steps needed to get the job done.  Applying this to the transition to school - I used to make checklists til they were growing out of my ears.  What to do to get out the door in the morning (teeth brushed? backpack? lunch in the bag? etc), after school checklist (homework complete? in backpack? check online hw assignments? does anything need to be brought to school tomorrow?).  List away, my friends, most kids love to check off items and this helps any child, not just ones who struggle with organization, learn how to break their tasks up and get in order.  Using this approach to schoolwork itself can also help - its useful for writing essays (breaking the general into its parts and learning how to tie them together), chunking assignments, etc.  We can discuss this in another post.

Another system we created that was a lifesaver as school became more complex and there were closer to 6 or 8 classes instead of the two parts to the day of elementary school was using the colors of the rainbow to organize the day.  Starting with first period, every class had a color, in rainbow order - notebook, binder, folder.  Inside the locker, I installed mini shelves and had the day set up in order so she could transition from class to class easily.  I can proudly tell you that she is actually in college now and sets up her own systems - a real testament to the ability to rebuild these pathways in the brain!

I think the key to all of this is to help set kids up for success - school is not a happy place for all kids, our education system doesn't necessarily understand each child's unique mind and how to work with it, but we, as parents, can try and figure out the pieces to the school experience and work with how to help our kids best gain from it and flourish.

Happy school year all!

Back to School Transitions

We’re at that time of year where some parents are counting the seconds until the kids go back to school and routine and others are dreading the return to schedule and the loss of freedom. As parents we all have different views of summer break and everyone is entitled to their take on the off time. Personally I’m in the category of people who will miss the long days and minimal schedule that summer has to offer. When I was home with my kids, summer was my favorite time of year where we would Mommy Camp our days and I didn’t have to think about things like carpool and homework. Just about the only downside to summers for me was the house mess that came along with the freedom.

Kids approach the start of school with an equal amount of mixed feelings. I think the back to school excitement usually wanes with the advancing of grades - let’s be honest it’s much more exciting to go into first grade than it is to start 7th.  Learning is still exciting and adventurous at that point. But whether you have a 5 year old or a 15 year old, many kids struggle with the transition. Add to this the number of kids who struggle with issues related to executive functioning and the difficulties of transitions are amplified.

All of which brings me to my discussion for today - just a few short thoughts on how to help parents make the transition back to school easier for themselves.  I know this discussion should include tips for kids transition as well but I find that posts that are too long may lose some people so I will attempt either a second go-round this week or to make that next weeks topic.

I think today we’ll start with parents. I can’t keep track of the things we’ve discussed in the various topics we’ve covered since I started writing this blog so if this is a repeat please accept my apologies. My least favorite tasks related to school are lunches and homework. I used to feel that every day was a challenge when the kids came home I’d be doing the homework, getting dinner made and served and then having to figure out what to put in their lunches for the next day. It was a little bit like being on a task treadmill from the minute they walked in until they were tucked into bed. I missed getting QT with the kids that wasn’t task oriented. To help alleviate some of the pressure we started a lunches system that actually changed my life!  I credit this system to my sister who thought of it for her family and we adopted it. On Sunday’s we packed the weeks lunches. Yes, this required a bit of fridge space and maneuvering and it is definitely not a solution for everyone but even if you can’t adopt the totality of it, there are pieces that can help. The way I did it was I bagged all the snacks, veggies, fruits, etc and the kids then assembled their lunches (5 lined up) with my help as the quality control check. Each child picked a main, 2 snacks, a fruit and veggie for each lunch. People whose kids are more particular about mains or who need fresh sandwiches could do the lunches without the mains and just stick the main in the night before or that morning (most of my kids used to take yogurts as mains so it was easy but now my youngest daughter can’t do dairy and she seems to choose veggies and chummus or a sandwich and happily lets me make those Sunday so I just got lucky). Whichever way you may choose to adopt this - I think the idea is to look at the things in our daily life which most frustrate us and see if there’s a way to change those things because sometimes when we are so dragged down by the details we forget that not all aggravations are necessary ones and usually there is a better solution out there if we are willing to try.

Homework is another area that I find frustrating. As someone who spent a few years in the teaching arena, I have my own opinions about the usefulness of homework. While I actually believe you need homework in areas like math - I’m not convinced most of the rest of it has educational benefits for most kids. Especially if your child is in a dual curriculum with a long day - I mostly believe kids should be allowed to be kids when they get home and should spend whatever is left of their afternoons outside absorbing the fresh air and playing. But homework is a reality and most parents have to decide the best approach to it. Different strokes for different folks here. I think some kids need to get it out of the way when they walk in the door and others need time before they attack it. Every parent should feel out their child’s personality in order to figure out the best way to get this task done with the least amount of fighting or pushing. One thing I can say universally- your child’s teacher did not mean for you to sit down and do the homework with them. Be available for guidance and clarifications but that’s all. Sitting with them, critiquing and “helping” really teaches them that they themselves do t have the skills for the task at hand. Be in touch with your child’s teachers in an open and honest way if you see them struggling to master the material or if they’re spending excessive time on it. Yes, inevitably some will have old school attitudes and may not be helpful - but hopefully by 2019 most will be more interested in a good healthy partnership with you, the parent, to create educational success for your child. And don’t wait until you and your child are at the end of your rope to have the talk. I can’t tell you how many times I went to teachers when we had spent. If he after night in tears and my kid was beyond themselves trying to figure out what the assignment was or how to get it all done just to have a listening and caring ear on the other end tell me that wasn’t at all what was intended for the assignment and how they wish I had called sooner.

To sum it up - transitions are hard for us parents as well - we need to find tools and tricks to help ease the adjustment and to make this time less stressful. Most of us have very busy houses and lives and each time we add something it can be that piece that tips the scales for us. If we step back and attempt to break these times and tasks into their pieces and find some solutions for them I hope it can make it an easier and less stressful time for ourselves and our families.

Where did they hear that from?

Sometimes, a topic comes to me from so many places it is almost like the universe is giving me a message and I just need to listen and heed it.  This week's topic started off with different conversations on different topics with completely different people, talking about a variety of subjects but all pointing to the same conclusion.  It was solidified, however, by a bizarre encounter at the park with my kids this weekend.

A complete stranger showed up at our neighborhood park with her one year old daughter.  Her daughter was very adorable and seemed to be struggling with getting her shoe on well enough to walk.  So my 10 year old, ever enchanted by cute babies, went over to help her out.  The mom then proceeded to talk to him and what she said went from odd and bizarre to bewildering.  To make a long story short, she started off by telling him how she had two children who were 14 years apart and ended off by sharing with him that she had "sacrificed her son so she could live a better life here in America."  My son was so confused by her story that he thought she had lost the child (taking the sacrifice as a literal one) and finally she made her message clear to him - she had left her son in Africa with relatives when he was four years old to pursue her dreams of a better life in America.  And so, she told him, sometime when he was older he would understand that sometimes you need to sacrifice to get what you want in life and live your dream.

As I tried to find a way to extricate ourselves from this strange woman with her strange ideas without being flat out rude, I thought to myself how insane the message she was trying to give my child.  I also thought - how quickly can I undo what she just told him?  Everything she had been saying was completely antithetical to my own belief system and I desperately wanted my son to understand that this woman was wrong.  Thankfully, I needn't have worried too much.  As we made our way home, he turned to me and said that she was a crazy awful mother to leave her child.  And, though I told him we had no idea what the other pieces of her story were and therefore we couldn't judge her, that nonetheless let me explain what we believe.  And I told him, in no uncertain terms.  Once you are a parent, the priority in your life is to give your child everything that you can to make sure they have a good life with every opportunity you can possibly provide them, even if it means altering your own course in the process.  And he asked me, why then had she not sent her son to America and stayed if the choice was for only one of them to go?

Not to delve too deeply into this particular story, the whole exchange made me think - what are the most important things we want to impart to our children and how can we make sure we are the givers of that trove of information and not others?  Other discussions that had pointed me to this topic begged the same question - how and when do we decide to discuss things with our children without missing the boat and letting them get their facts and perspectives from other people?

This question goes to some fairly uncomfortable places for most parents.  Yes, it is easy to try and impart some piece of wisdom to our kids about benign topics - friendships, honesty, truth.  All of these are easy topics that we, if we choose to be thoughtful about our discussions, can find opportunities to discuss with our children.  But what about the topics that don't come easily, the very personal, very raw, very private things that we find hard to discuss with anyone?

To begin with, I think it is important to discuss the easy to approach topics.  If we stop to think about it, do we make time and opportunity to talk to our kids about these? Have we found ways to stop our busy lives and make time for thoughtful discussions with our kids? I am sure the answer to this, if the question was posed to most parents, would be split.  Some parents have made time and found ways, others are just living life from one day to the next and haven't made time for things like that.  For those in the latter category, I strongly encourage you to find a way to step back from life's every day demands and think about what you want to talk to your kids about yourself. And find opportunities.  There is so much misinformation in the world at large and kids absorb so much from every medium.  The messages are sometimes subtle but not always.  The media and game industry has messages that slip easily into their consciousness.  I don't mean to sound paranoid but merely honest.  The world is talking to them at every turn and if you have a message you want to get across to them, say it!  You don't get second chances to make first impressions and if there are topics you want them to hear your unique perspective about, make sure you share it.  I'm not encouraging long lectures to your kids, I'm encouraging discussions.  Talk to them, hear their thoughts, share yours.  The sooner you start doing this with your kids, the more you'll be amazed at how much they have to say about what is going on in the world around them.  I think it also opens the door for them to share things with you as they grow.  Kids can share and observe and absorb at every age and stage so whether you started this when they were young or you're coming to the realization in the middle of their teens, I still encourage you to start the practice.

Now, on to the harder to approach topics.  Recently there was a speech some friends of mine attended about marital intimacy in a religious community, definitely a hard to approach subject.  What amazed me, honestly, was how different their reactions to the same topic was.  And every one of them had one common theme - it is hard to approach certain topics but we need to approach them nonetheless.  That we live in a world where there are few voodoo topics and it is about time we embraced that and started the discussions ourselves.  Where we change the narrative by entering it.  And this, I believe, applies to so many hard to broach topics with our children.  If we ignore the topics, our children will get their information somewhere.  It may be friends, books, media - and it may be approached the way we want it to - or, more likely not.  It may be information and commonly it will be misinformation.  If you want the children to learn it from you, see it from your unique perspective, you need it to come from you.  Make opportunity to talk honestly.  I would advise, before approaching any of these topics, that you discuss them with your partner and together devise an approach to the topic.  One unified message, no secrets, brought gracefully and in unity to your children.

After the obvious discussions you have with your kids about regular topics, I would also encourage you to consider not only talking about common subjects people have trouble discussing with their kids - intimacy, love, etc but anything from mental health issues, family dynamics, painful experiences you had to heal from as a child.  Any number of topics can fall into this category.  Sometimes it is so painful and so personal - and yet so necessary.  Secrets have ways to come back and bite you, painfully, as time goes on.

Obviously I'm not advocating for sharing your trauma with your five year old, this has different implications at different ages.  But I am advocating for figuring out when and how to share levels of your personal journey, struggles, or otherwise with your children.  Don't let them hear it from that well meaning Aunt or cousin - don't let them guess and whisper and come to wrong conclusions secluded with their friends.  Tell them yourself.  Be honest.  Find a way to talk about what seems impossible.  And share without burdening. If you do have any painful subjects that they need to be enlightened about, make sure you frame it with your own strength, your ability to be past what is in the past.  Let them see growth from the painful and not wallowing.  I know one paragraph to approach such a topic is almost insulting, but when this opportunity arises, I obviously can't ignore it.

And so, after my strange park interaction, I'm left with a feeling of strange empowerment.  I think a lesson this odd stranger taught me was to find my voice, discuss things with my kids openly and plainly, and realize that you never know where they're going to get their information from and when, so take every chance you get to make it here and now and from you.

Teaching Mindfullness

About 14 years ago, my husband came up with a gift idea for me - he gave me a yoga class, along  with the promise that he'd come home and take over the night of the class so I could get out.  I had never before been to yoga and, to be honest, since I'm not the touchy feely type by nature, wasn't sure it was going to be my speed.  I went and instantly fell in love with it - the practice, the exertion, the rewards and most of all, the mindfulness skills I learned.  I took yoga for several years and even taught some on my own after I could no longer make time for scheduled classes.  Even since I stopped teaching, I continue to practice whenever I can fit it into my schedule.  One of the greatest lessons yoga has taught me is to learn to listen to and channel and control the noise of the world around me.  We live in a world full of chaos - forget even the electronics that permeate our every move- just the busy-ness of life - balancing home, school, work, family, etc - its a busy and chaotic space.  Learning how to tamp down the noise we don't need at any given moment and listen to what is going on inside our own selves is a skill that is hard but necessary.

You may be asking yourselves, about now, why I'm going on about yoga on a parenting blog? Am I trying to convince you, my readers, to take up the practice?  I'd be dishonest if I told you no - I actually think that parents can use this skill and time for themselves very much.  But that isn't actually the reason I discuss it here (to see a discussion about carving out time for yourself, see my post about creating time for yourself). 

So if this isn't me rambling about making time to learn mindfulness, what are we talking about?

I believe one of the most essential skill any parent can give their child is learning how to listen to themselves.  To train kids to be mindful, to quiet the outside noise and to learn how to trust themselves and listen to their inner voice.  All too often, we try to tell children how they feel instead of teaching them how to identify and guide their own feelings.

For example, how many times have we told our kids, as they're crying and in pain, "you're ok."  Or when they are worried about something we say "there's nothing to worry about!"  Without realizing it, I think we inadvertently ignore our kids feelings and try and supplant our own feelings onto theirs.  We know there's nothing to worry about or that it will only hurt for two minutes and they'll be back to playing - so we try and push that onto them.  Instead, we could try to acknowledge their feelings and then guide them to the next step.  Subconsciously, we are giving them a very different message.  You are allowing them to acknowledge and trust their own feelings while still helping guide their responses to those feelings.  It is subtle but over time, I think they learn a very important lesson.

Take a kid who finds themselves anxious or shy in the presence of new faces or situations.  Some parents try to push them into it and assume they'll just learn to adjust eventually.  Others let them completely stay away from these situations and assume they'll eventually grow out of it and learn to cope.  But there is a more middle of the road approach.  Help the kid put a name or word to their feelings (scared, nervous...) and ]talk before these situations about how to approach them.  What are things you can do when you feel that way? How can we make these situations easier.  This gives them the skills to approach a situation and hear what their body/mind is telling them and coach it through.  It puts them in touch with their inner voice.  Once they understand that voice, they can help guide themselves through different situations. 

Another type, the angry child.  This can be a child of any age, who tends to lash out and get angry at the drop of a hat.  Their auto-response to situations is to flare.  Practicing mindfulness with them, helping them identify when they're feeling angry - how that feeling comes on and what it feels like inside them when it happens, can often help guide them into better responses to their anger.  The old adage, when angry count to ten (when very angry, twenty), still works.  Teaching them to listen to that inner voice, the spark plugs heating up, and to walk away until it simmers.  All of these are ways to help them learn to listen to themselves, be mindful and acknowledge their own feelings, and learn how to channel them more appropriately.

Ok, I know what you may be thinking - it isn't that easy.  And it isn't.  And what about those kids whose inner voice is forever telling them to crazy things - do we teach them to listen to that one too? Voices that speak of exaggerated fears, of crazy and reckless behaviors.  And yes, in a way, we do teach them to listen - and curb it.  The same way you can teach the anxious child to overcome their anxiety, you can teach the wild and reckless child to hear the inner voice and curb it to a reasonable degree.

So often, as kids head into the teenage years, they inevitably shut down to some degree or another.  I think if taught this early, they can still use this skill at that stage, even when it doesn't seem like they are doing so.  The key is to give them the space and time to think it through and in the quiet calm moments, to remind them of the need to listen to those voices inside telling them what they know to be true (think peer pressure situations, something we will discuss in depth in a later post).

Everyone has different methods and approaches to teaching mindfulness, some don't use that word but the idea is the same.  I believe if we work hard on developing these skills for our kids (and our selves) we can help them trust themselves and eventually mature into adults who remain in touch with their inner voices.

Friendships

I’m really lucky in my own life to have formed some strong connections and to have really good friends. And despite that, even as an adult there are times friendships are difficult to navigate. We all read novels or see shows where characters have these incredible friends as kids and they are taking all sorts of adventures together and always have someone who gets them. And our kids see that imagery all around - between social media and television - it’s a picture that’s painted over and over.  But let’s be honest - not every child navigates the social world the same and some really struggle to find friends and interact in relationships. I’m not talking about the extreme cases where there are issues that professional help is required to teach the basics of social norms - I’m talking about the regular kids, the ones who seemingly make friends easily and the the ones who just don’t naturally make friends easily. Or the middle school stages where your friends change almost as often as your style or haircut. How can we, as parents, help our kids navigate the world of friendships to make it both easier for them and help them develop long lasting connections?

Another thing to think about before we discuss how to’s is that although friendship struggles are common - there are different types which require completely different approaches. Sometimes having a larger family gives me a sampling of the different complexities you can face with the same issue. It’s like each child has a different twist on it. For some of my kids, a small tight-knit group of friends is the perfect fit, for others they have an ever revolving door and though some of the friendships have lasted, kids who once actually referred to me as Mommy are no longer in the inner or outer circle. Still others really struggled to find a friend group until much later. So there’s definitely no one size fits all solution to friends.

The first thing to consider is - what works best for this child? Do they do better in small or large groups? Do they enjoy one on one more than group time? Understanding your child’s personality and working with it is essential. All too often, we impose our idea of friends on our kids and it isn’t working for them because it isn’t them. Think of scenarios where you’ve watched social butterflies overprogam their kids and seen the overload and the child retreating into themselves.  It’s one thing to make sure your child has the skills to be in a group setting, another to impose it on them on a regular basis. It’s especially hard to accept this when it has implications on your own social life. If you’re part of a friend group that gathers often and your child is resistant to going or seems to be on the sidelines because they don’t enjoy it - it may be time to rethink those gathering times. Not every child enjoys loads of social time and still others enjoy only larger groups and find one on one situations boring. Try and observe your child and figure out their most comfortable setting and create situations which are conducive to them.

Second, suggestions and encouragement are useful - forcing is counter productive. Honestly this is kind of a general rule of thumb with kids but it’s crucial when it comes to their social life. Even as small kids, they feel the pressure of being forced into situations. Instead of having the desired effect (child becomes engaged and fast friends with the child in question ) it usually has the opposite effect and the kids are more reticent and less inclined to interact.  When it comes to teens, having opinions about their friends seems lethal! I have found that if I encourage a friendship too strongly the child withdraws from it faster and if I dislike the company they’re keeping and am vocal about it - they’ll keep that company more but often do it elsewhere, where I can’t oversee or get to know what they’re getting into. Now don’t get me wrong - there are ways to steer kids towards better friends - but the straight up honesty that we use in other situations often falls flat or works against us when it comes to friendships.

Let’s break the issues down here - to start with we’ll talk about younger kids (anywhere from toddler to younger elementary). For these kids it is easier to create conducive situations for friendships. After heeding step 1, understanding the dynamic that works best, you can help foster those situations for the child. If they do well in one on one, find play dates that can give them chances to bond. If group activities work, classes or parks or other gathering spaces give them a chance to find the right kids and bond with them. Don’t assume the girl next door or your closest friends child is automatically going to be their social life. If that works, great, but it doesn’t always. If you see your child struggling in these situations - I strongly suggest role playing with them after the fact. Show them how to approach someone they don’t know well. If they have trouble with the conversations - give them some starting ideas. They pick things up very fast even when it doesn’t come totally naturally. Once they’re comfortable enough and find kids who they like they will ease into these themselves. It’s like little kid ice breakers.

For teens it is a different ballpark. Mostly teens you’ll be concerned about either struggle to find a group or get in with the wrong crowd.  I'll go backwards here and address the teens that are in a group you find less than ideal.  Word to the wise, don't be too vocal about their friends personally.  When the opportunity arises to talk, talk about behaviors you don't like or social pressures kids have to deal with.  Attacking their friends individually will turn them defensive.  Try as you may, I don't think you can actually break up friendships that you don't find healthy, but you can try and remind your child, in calm times, the healthy and positive behaviors that you miss seeing when they're around friends who bring them down.  Again, I'd be hesitant to dive too deep or harp on it too often since teens have a way of digging in their heels when they feel opposition.

For the teens struggling to find their place - this one in a lot of ways is harder.  Loneliness is real and painful.  Acknowledge their struggle.  If they are open to talking about it, try and problem solve with them about why they aren't finding friends and what is going on at school/around town that is making it difficult.  You may find they're being singled out or bullied because they aren't run of the mill.  Try to help them find alternate situations where there are different kids - sometimes the kids in their school class are just not the right fit.  Since they spend the majority of their time with them, by force not by choice, they may feel stuck and in a rut.  Opening them up to new opportunities where the social structure is different can be a game changer.

And when it comes to issues with friendships, encourage openness.  Try to make them know that you are always a friend to them, you have their back.  If they want to be heard without comment, you'll be their sounding board.  If they want advice, you can give that too.  Let home be a safe space for them where there isn't the same social pressures they're facing out in the real world.  When they know you understand them and are supporting instead of pressuring them to make it work, you may find an entirely different child in there who is ready to talk and eventually ready for suggestions.  Discuss loyalty and dependability. Discuss how to be a real friend.  Discuss how real friends sometimes compromise.  Discuss how real friends come to parents when there are safety issues, even if it feels like tattling.  Talk and keep the discussions going.

Creating Positive Health/Body Outlooks

What I’m about to discuss is sensitive and difficult for so many people. Eating issues and disorders are rampant in communities across the spectrum and no one is immune from them. And they cut both ways - we have the people struggling to fight obesity and those struggling with anorexia/bulimia. Even parents who do their best modeling can have eating issues in their houses. But hard topics can’t be avoided - we need to get them out into the open and talk about them if we are going to fix them. And, like many of our other topics, this is just a beginning.  Even discussing food and exercise in one post is a feat but I’m going to make an attempt because I believe they’re intricately connected.

One night recently I was late coming home and out of dinner ideas (or energy to make some) and a friend told me about a great grab n go sushi option. While I was in line waiting for my order, I met half the neighborhood who clearly were in the same predicament. While catching up with some people I don’t see often enough, I noticed a running theme. Everyone was discussing either how they overate when it came to foods they found as a “treat” or discussed calories as part of their food conversation. Being health and exercise focused myself - I have given a lot of thought to how to approach the topic of food/diet and exercise and I’m always on the lookout for how we, as a society, deal with these concepts. So I’m just going to come right out and say that overall our society has an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. All too often we portray food as something to resist or indulge in and exercise as a necessary evil. You’ll hear real lovers of exercise talk about the high but most people talk about it as something they have to force themselves to do because it’s good for their health. When it comes to food, there’s far too much discussed about dieting and far too little about balance and healthy choices. And I am forever overhearing people talk about their bodies and the lack of satisfaction with size and shape.

Personally I think every one of us needs to take a step back and ask ourselves what we are modeling for our kids when it comes to these crucial topics. As we’ve talked about before, kids hear everything. They listen and pick up on the minutia. So when it comes to food - do we discuss calories and dieting or do we discuss healthy choices? Do we talk about how the food choices affect our weight or our body and health ? Instead of putting the focus on calories and intake I believe we should focus on healthy choices and portion sizes. Discuss what health benefits they get from things rather than what bad stuff can happen from foods. When you show them that you choose olive oil over some other fat - discuss heart healthy choices. Discuss eating and feeling satisfied rather than stuffed. Getting energy from good food choices.

When a child is taking a snack - hand them a cup/bag/bowl to take a reasonable amount instead of the bag to eat endlessly. You can teach them how to choose a healthy portion size without telling them they’re overeating or having them measure foods  - just showing them that a portion is enough to fill you up without eating too much of one thing. Teach them balance in how they eat. Whatever your philosophy- if sugar is the root of all evil and you want them to avoid it - just remember that banning certain food categories makes people (and certainly small kids) want them even more. And think a lot about how much you’re talking about food and focusing on it. Try to steer conversations away from dieting and food consumption- it’s an overused topic in our society and we need to be where that ends.

I think it’s important to note that when dealing with kids and food it’s important to avoid power struggles over food. Suggesting healthy options and making sure to have good foods available is an ideal way to create a healthy food atmosphere. Pressuring kids to eat healthy food options or punishing them and taking away things if they refuse sets you up for food battles and distorts their view of how to approach food. If you don’t have the junk in your house kids will naturally choose other options. Another important thing to think about - try to avoid making food a reward. If every prize for good behavior or special treat or outing revolves around food - what message are we sending?

When it comes to exercise- I hate to be this person but add some joy to the conversation. Do you exercise? Is the amount you fit it into your life reasonable or excessive? Lacking? I grew up watching my parents get up early every day to run. It was a great model for me - I saw that despite my Dads busy schedule he made healthy choices a priority. My mom got up with him to be his partner even though early mornings were not her strong suit. They showed us that you fit it in however you can to make it work. And you could see they loved that time together. My Dads been gone for many years but my mom still runs, thank G-d, and she sets an incredible example not just for her kids but for her grandkids (several of whom take turns running with her) about how to fit exercise into your life and stick with it even when it’s hard. Not everyone can be a runner - but we all can and should find something that makes us move and moves us at the same time. If we do something we love we will love doing it.

At the same time, there are kids who are sedentary and finding ways to encourage movement can be a huge challenge. Organized sports are a great way to get them moving but they are not for everyone. Encouraging kids to find things to do that don’t involve staying still is crucial but can be hard. Try to get the kids somewhat involved in your movement some of the time.  Bike rides are great quality time  that gets everyone moving. Walks, geocaching, scavenger hunts - all are good ways to get people up and going while making it fun. Many schools have girls on the run or other program to help make joint moving times. Whatever you choose to help the sedentary child, try to focus on the enjoyment, the health benefits but not on how or why it will affect their weight.

And like everything else - you have both ends of the spectrum. Some kids that get too into it - another thing to watch for. If exercise is taking up too much of their time and they are overly focused - help them dial it back. A healthy balance is crucial to prevent danger. I can’t talk about every aspect in this one post so we’ll have to get back to some of this later.

The bottom line is we need to help our kids develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise - trying to focus on the quality of what we eat and the way it makes us feel instead of the quantities. Attempting not to create a culture of diets and weight focus but more of a health focus. And exercise is an amazing piece of our lives that keeps us feeling good and healthy and in touch with our bodies.