Forgiveness

I think most parents have had some version of the following conversation- child did something wrong and parent says “say your sorry” and child does/doesn’t easily comply with the directive. If the child doesn’t, there’s usually some scuffle over getting them to comply, possibly some guilt (don’t you feel bad about what you did) etc. Sometimes I really wonder about this whole exchange. It is all so common to ask kids to apologize - but does apologizing for the sake of apologizing actually do anything ? Is the child feeling sorry if they’re told to apologize? What is the point of an apology that’s sought out? I honestly feel like this in many contexts - adult to adult does it make you feel better if someone wronged you and you have to ask for an apology or even have to point out to them what they did - do apologies really help or is there something more we, as people, need to move past some wrong that was done to us?

I guess to start with I’ll have to admit - I think saying sorry does help. There’s something to the act of having to admit to the person that we did something and we made a mistake. Maybe it’s slightly humbling. I’m not saying a child gets that completely to start with but it is definitely a good habit to build.

But I think there’s more to sorry than just words. I think it’s important to let mistakes become building blocks for kids. Conversation starters, if you will, where we can help our children discuss and dissect what happened and why. Did they fail to notice that their behavior was rude? Did they miss a chance to be kind? Did they possibly take advantage of someone else’s situation in an unfair way? Whatever the underlying cause of the mistake is, it’s best to help them identify it. Self reflection is such a crucial skill to build with kids. The younger you start the easier it is for them to be honest.

It’s important to keep a few key things in mind when having these conversations :
1. Don’t blame - it puts people on the defensive and is useless - discuss how something might make you or someone feel but not whose fault something is
2. Don’t use GUILT - guilt is not a feeling I think is useful for anyone and it is something that builds and gets carried around in life line an unwanted weight on your shoulders.
3. Be kind - when someone did something wrong, even a small child, they usually know it deep down. Don’t make them feel worse than they already do.

The best thing we can do for our kids is to help them build a picture of themselves as human - people who make mistakes but learn from and fix them. I think those apologies will serve them far better than a “say your sorry” directive.