Sometimes, a topic comes to me from so many places it is almost like the universe is giving me a message and I just need to listen and heed it. This week's topic started off with different conversations on different topics with completely different people, talking about a variety of subjects but all pointing to the same conclusion. It was solidified, however, by a bizarre encounter at the park with my kids this weekend.
A complete stranger showed up at our neighborhood park with her one year old daughter. Her daughter was very adorable and seemed to be struggling with getting her shoe on well enough to walk. So my 10 year old, ever enchanted by cute babies, went over to help her out. The mom then proceeded to talk to him and what she said went from odd and bizarre to bewildering. To make a long story short, she started off by telling him how she had two children who were 14 years apart and ended off by sharing with him that she had "sacrificed her son so she could live a better life here in America." My son was so confused by her story that he thought she had lost the child (taking the sacrifice as a literal one) and finally she made her message clear to him - she had left her son in Africa with relatives when he was four years old to pursue her dreams of a better life in America. And so, she told him, sometime when he was older he would understand that sometimes you need to sacrifice to get what you want in life and live your dream.
As I tried to find a way to extricate ourselves from this strange woman with her strange ideas without being flat out rude, I thought to myself how insane the message she was trying to give my child. I also thought - how quickly can I undo what she just told him? Everything she had been saying was completely antithetical to my own belief system and I desperately wanted my son to understand that this woman was wrong. Thankfully, I needn't have worried too much. As we made our way home, he turned to me and said that she was a crazy awful mother to leave her child. And, though I told him we had no idea what the other pieces of her story were and therefore we couldn't judge her, that nonetheless let me explain what we believe. And I told him, in no uncertain terms. Once you are a parent, the priority in your life is to give your child everything that you can to make sure they have a good life with every opportunity you can possibly provide them, even if it means altering your own course in the process. And he asked me, why then had she not sent her son to America and stayed if the choice was for only one of them to go?
Not to delve too deeply into this particular story, the whole exchange made me think - what are the most important things we want to impart to our children and how can we make sure we are the givers of that trove of information and not others? Other discussions that had pointed me to this topic begged the same question - how and when do we decide to discuss things with our children without missing the boat and letting them get their facts and perspectives from other people?
This question goes to some fairly uncomfortable places for most parents. Yes, it is easy to try and impart some piece of wisdom to our kids about benign topics - friendships, honesty, truth. All of these are easy topics that we, if we choose to be thoughtful about our discussions, can find opportunities to discuss with our children. But what about the topics that don't come easily, the very personal, very raw, very private things that we find hard to discuss with anyone?
To begin with, I think it is important to discuss the easy to approach topics. If we stop to think about it, do we make time and opportunity to talk to our kids about these? Have we found ways to stop our busy lives and make time for thoughtful discussions with our kids? I am sure the answer to this, if the question was posed to most parents, would be split. Some parents have made time and found ways, others are just living life from one day to the next and haven't made time for things like that. For those in the latter category, I strongly encourage you to find a way to step back from life's every day demands and think about what you want to talk to your kids about yourself. And find opportunities. There is so much misinformation in the world at large and kids absorb so much from every medium. The messages are sometimes subtle but not always. The media and game industry has messages that slip easily into their consciousness. I don't mean to sound paranoid but merely honest. The world is talking to them at every turn and if you have a message you want to get across to them, say it! You don't get second chances to make first impressions and if there are topics you want them to hear your unique perspective about, make sure you share it. I'm not encouraging long lectures to your kids, I'm encouraging discussions. Talk to them, hear their thoughts, share yours. The sooner you start doing this with your kids, the more you'll be amazed at how much they have to say about what is going on in the world around them. I think it also opens the door for them to share things with you as they grow. Kids can share and observe and absorb at every age and stage so whether you started this when they were young or you're coming to the realization in the middle of their teens, I still encourage you to start the practice.
Now, on to the harder to approach topics. Recently there was a speech some friends of mine attended about marital intimacy in a religious community, definitely a hard to approach subject. What amazed me, honestly, was how different their reactions to the same topic was. And every one of them had one common theme - it is hard to approach certain topics but we need to approach them nonetheless. That we live in a world where there are few voodoo topics and it is about time we embraced that and started the discussions ourselves. Where we change the narrative by entering it. And this, I believe, applies to so many hard to broach topics with our children. If we ignore the topics, our children will get their information somewhere. It may be friends, books, media - and it may be approached the way we want it to - or, more likely not. It may be information and commonly it will be misinformation. If you want the children to learn it from you, see it from your unique perspective, you need it to come from you. Make opportunity to talk honestly. I would advise, before approaching any of these topics, that you discuss them with your partner and together devise an approach to the topic. One unified message, no secrets, brought gracefully and in unity to your children.
After the obvious discussions you have with your kids about regular topics, I would also encourage you to consider not only talking about common subjects people have trouble discussing with their kids - intimacy, love, etc but anything from mental health issues, family dynamics, painful experiences you had to heal from as a child. Any number of topics can fall into this category. Sometimes it is so painful and so personal - and yet so necessary. Secrets have ways to come back and bite you, painfully, as time goes on.
Obviously I'm not advocating for sharing your trauma with your five year old, this has different implications at different ages. But I am advocating for figuring out when and how to share levels of your personal journey, struggles, or otherwise with your children. Don't let them hear it from that well meaning Aunt or cousin - don't let them guess and whisper and come to wrong conclusions secluded with their friends. Tell them yourself. Be honest. Find a way to talk about what seems impossible. And share without burdening. If you do have any painful subjects that they need to be enlightened about, make sure you frame it with your own strength, your ability to be past what is in the past. Let them see growth from the painful and not wallowing. I know one paragraph to approach such a topic is almost insulting, but when this opportunity arises, I obviously can't ignore it.
And so, after my strange park interaction, I'm left with a feeling of strange empowerment. I think a lesson this odd stranger taught me was to find my voice, discuss things with my kids openly and plainly, and realize that you never know where they're going to get their information from and when, so take every chance you get to make it here and now and from you.
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