When We ARE Wrong

I had an awful exchange with one of my kids recently - I missed every parenting mark in the book, I forgot to start with praise, tell them all the positives and then gently work into my issue. And they were genuinely upset - and rightly so. Thankfully, being a good communicator they were able to tell me why they felt what they felt (the next morning) - and that there were so many positive things I could have said before I told them about this issue.  I felt horrible and truthfully realized I had made a huge mistake.  And I admitted it to them straight out - you are right, I was wrong and I should have done this differently.  But this whole exchange got me to thinking about getting critiqued by our kids.  We previously discussed how to teach our kids to take criticism (see previous post) but we haven't really touched on the subject of how to react when they criticize US.

As it seems with many parenting discussions, this is a complicated discussion.  Firstly, everyone has different theories about how the respect aspect factors into their parenting.  Second, some people truly believe that parents should be an unquestioned source and that kids just have to accept what the parent does is for the best.  I, however, am kind of in a different camp on this one than those parents.  I believe our kids need to respect us, not so much fear us as ancient parenting wisdom calls for, but definitely respect.  But I don't believe parents are flawless creatures, ones whose children are basically at their mercy.  Lets be honest - there is a lot of trial and error when it comes to parenting.  We do our best, but at times we act impulsively, we are thoughtless, we make mistakes - big and small, in short, we act HUMAN! Whatever age our kids are at the time of our mistake, they can always learn something by us admitting the mistake and modeling how to apologize and take responsibility for our errors.  I don't think there is anything wrong with this, in fact I think there is a lot right about it. 

Obviously, we have to keep the conversation respectful in every aspect.  And we walk a fine line when we allow them to question our actions - this opens up a huge opportunity for them to question every move we make.  But I think there are ways to minimize that while still allowing for this unique opportunity to model this behavior.

For starters, try to recognize your error before they do.  If you do something/say something and then realize it was not appropriate - admit it before they come to you.  By doing this, you are modeling the ability to accept responsibility for your actions while not giving them the chance to question your behavior.  It minimizes that door opening effect.

If, however, you didn't catch your mistake before they did - I think it is important to be open and honest.  Listen to their criticism or complaint, hear them out before you try to respond.  Validate their feelings, it makes them feel heard.  Attempt not to make excuses.  It is easy to rationalize our behaviors but it only teaches them to rationalize their own mistakes.  Just accept the responsibility.  Then do the simple (but very difficult) thing of apologizing.  Try not to let it become a global issue (you always...you never... are some phrases I would steer clear of on both sides of this conversation) but keep to the matter at hand - I was wrong when I did XYZ, I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings...etc.  Try not to let them turn it into a trial of your parenting (this is something you may struggle more with teenagers than a younger child you made a mistake with).  Just remember to keep on topic.  If they try to steer the conversation to the general - bring it back in with something like "we're just going to discuss the issue at hand and the mistake I made in this instance."

I think the most important thing about making mistakes with our children is showing them that we are people, that we try our best but don't always get it right but we care and want to change and fix our errors.  I believe there is no better lesson for them in life than to see that even adults, who they may see as finished products, are actually work in progresses just like they are.  Aside from the benefit of modeling this behavior for them while they are still home and growing and developing, who knows if maybe once they are adults they'll remember these times and be more motivated to continue to work and grow and develop far past their young years.