Changing the Narrative

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, right? Too cliche I admit. 

This past week, one of my children’s teachers tested positive for corona. To put this in context - winter break was starting in two days and everyone found out the kids would need to be quarantined for most of winter break. Out the window went any plans (lucky us we had made none) and the kids were slightly bummed, to put it mildly. 

I really wanted to be sympathetic- and I am - but I also wanted to change the conversation.  This is disappointing, no doubt. Everyone needs a break - especially during corona. And even if that break wasn’t taking the shape of a new place to see or relax in, just getting out and getting some nature time in sounded like a really nice change of pace. But still, this is a blip, an inconvenience, and I felt like as the parent I could help my child dwell or totally change the spin on this. 

So here’s what we did - we took the focus off of us and our quarantine and shifted it to kids who had to be shut in for other reasons - kids stuck in hospitals over the holidays and break time. Kids who might be bored and need their minds taken off their illness. I suggested to the other moms we do a group activity where we make activity boxes for kids at the children’s hospital nearby. Once I suggested it - it was amazing how everyone jumped on board. Offers of funds and help literally flowed in. We bought a bunch of toys and boxes and my child set up a Zoom meeting for later in the week to assemble and decorate their boxes and make cards. I’m really excited how he got into it - really took it on full speed. We contacted the volunteer services at the hospital and set up a drop off time.The wheels are spinning and I’m hoping it turns out well. 

And it reminded me how much we set the stage for how our kids approach situations.  It’s so easy to be negative - it’s almost a natural state of affairs. It’s too easy to set the tone without even realizing it.

 After we started this, I heard almost nothing about how bummed he is to be stuck in. He’s been playing games with his little sister, reading, and overall just having fun. True staycation. We went on a night drive to see the city all decked out in lights. He’s thinking outside the box. In this case, maybe he’s thinking about the boxes. Ok, start and end with corny...

Happy staycation!

Can they teach us?

 My daughter was zooming last week so I had the chance to overhear what was going on in her classes, always a nice bonus. One teacher posed a question to this group of 7 year olds: “what is tech?”  One child’s answer had me in stitches. Tech, she explained, is stuff you use to make life better AND stuff that sometimes makes teachers very mad when they can’t figure it out.”  Say it like it is, sister. 

Kids speak truth. Sometimes their truth is a different version than the reality we perceive - but they always speak the truth. Some people have a really difficult time hearing that truth from their children. It can be perceived as chutzpah. It can touch a nerve and leave us feeling vulnerable. It can make you feel powerless and ineffective. It’s hard to listen to criticism from anyone, let alone our own children. 

This might sound crazy - but I firmly believe our children are some of our best teachers.  They experience the choices we make. They feel our angst. They see us for the people we are - with all our faults. They can actually make us better parents. 

I’m not advocating for kids to become their parents parent. I’m not in any way saying they don’t have to be respectful and find a way to share this truth. Like anything, I believe there’s a time and place and way for them to share. But I think it’s most important for us to listen to the messages they are giving us. 

Some of their critiques are a product of their age and stage and their perspective will shift as time goes on. But if they say something that strikes a chord - it hits home because we know it to be a weakness - I think we would do ourselves and them a favor to heed the messages.

When your child is little and catches you using a bad word - they call you out on it. Whatever  the procedure is - soaped mouths or penny in jars - follow it.  Showing you slip up but can be held accountable is a more valuable lesson than showing them you’re “perfect” all the time. 

When they’re older and the truths get more difficult - they get upset because you directed your frustration at them when it clearly was not about them. When you hear them telling you that you’re absent while present (something far too many of us suffer from with all this tech in our lives), listen. Take it to heart.

Years ago I recall hearing a speaker discuss how much he had to learn from his kids to become the parent and person he was at that point - and how painful the process was.  Change is hard but crucial. Listen to their truths, own up to the issues that are valid. Make the moments teachable and hopefully we’ll all grow as we go.

Reflections

Today is the last day of Chanukah- the Festival of Lights. For me personally this holiday has always been one of extremes. My second daughter was born on the fifth night of Chanukah, 21 years ago. The ultimate gift. And, just two years later, my father passed away suddenly the second night of Chanukah. It took me many years to recover from the shock of losing a parent so suddenly and I being so young. It took even longer for me to rediscover the joy in this holiday. 

So today, instead of touching on a parenting topic, I mostly want to reflect on some aspects of my parent, my father, who was such a huge part of my life and has shaped my perspectives. 

One thing I have realized over the years is that the father I experienced, as child #6, was very different than my older siblings. By the time I came around - whatever discipline there had been kind of fizzled out and my father was completely indulgent of me and my sister right above me. We had my mom to discipline us, of course, but my father was all spoils. I kind of see that happening with my youngest two - you just mellow as you age.  I think it’s ok and you discipline when needed but mostly the things that seemed so critical to correct in your older kids seem like passing phases in the younger ones.

My father taught me about giving. He was a true community leader. In his quiet way, he effectuated so much change in our world. He spent countless nights participating in board meetings, serving as our school president for over a dozen years. This was not an easy job. There were always many opposing opinions about how things should be done. In a communal role such as his, you had to be extremely diplomatic. It was easy for tempers to rise and people to get personal. One thing he always seemed to do was calm the waters. He never seemed bothered by people’s apparent aggression- at least from my perspective. He set quite an example for me of being able to separate between the person and the issue. To him it wasn’t personal. This kind of reminds me of something my sister told me recently about parenting. We often see parents doing something and immediately judge them or their parenting - but she reminded me that every parent loves their child. If they are doing something which seems counterproductive- it’s at the very least coming from a good place. A good thing to remember.

My Dad wasn’t a man of many words in general - most people thought of him as quiet.  I believe if you’d met him in a courtroom you’d have a very different perspective on him. That’s another thing I admired and learned from my Dad. There’s a place and a time for everything. Some situations warrant a lot of passion and aggression. Others are much more mellow. To know how to be comfortable in both is a feat. 

Accepting a loss is a difficult thing. Time helps concretize it in your mind. I don’t believe we can or should prepare our kids for a time when we aren’t there. Maybe once they’re adults that’s a discussion we can have, but as kids I believe it’s a no-go topic. Let them believe we’re concrete and steady and will always be there for them. Life will teach them the lessons of passing later on. I don’t think I could ever have been prepared to lose my father that young. I was at the beginning of my life journey. I had 3 small kids and a busy life and I needed my Dad to be part of that journey. But it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly I needed something different than what I expected. But no matter whether he’s here with me or watching over - the lessons I learned from him live on day after day. 

So as we wrap up another Chanukah season, I take a step back. I look at my Chanukah baby, now a wife herself - and I pray I’ll be there for her for many years to come. I remember all that was light about my father - and all the light that keeps shining through from what he started and created. And I remember all the light that shines through the darkness. I pause, try to absorb it and take it with me, until the next holiday comes to light up our world. 

Seeing the Miracles

 Life is busy. Complex. Scattered. Sometimes it’s hard to take a pause, see things from a different perspective. 

One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to rethink things, or think them through more, crystallize. See the bigger picture. As parents we get very involved in the minutiae. This was a way to help me see beyond it. 

We’re about to celebrate the holiday of Chanukah in our house. It’s a time where amazing miracles happened - but when you look at the story as it happened - a lot of those miracles took time to see. When they lit the oil they’d found, they didn’t realize it would burn for eight days. Only after it kept going did they realize what had happened. 

It reminds me a lot of parenting. We see changes in how our kids act and react, see the seeds planted - but sometimes it takes a long time to see the results. That doesn’t make those gains any less miraculous. 

One thing I want to try this Chanukah is to notice the miracles. There are miracles everywhere - waking up each day and all the systems in our bodies working correctly and letting us wake up is a miracle in and of itself. Our kids accomplish great things every day. I want to take notice. Appreciate the gains. Make them realize we see them. 

If everyone made an effort this Chanukah to see beyond the minutiae and to the bigger picture, our families will truly have gained something miraculous this holiday. 

Knee Jerk Reactions

 “When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred." - Thomas Jefferson 

I have a short thought to share today but I believe an important one. 

How often do you react instinctively to something and realize, as the words leave your mouth, that had you taken one deep breath before saying something or counted to three your response would have been very different. 

I’ve noticed this all around in life but especially with our kids (and spouses). Kids can be annoying at times and bring out the best of our knee jerk reactions - but how easy would it be to force ourselves to wait - breathe - and respond ten seconds later to whatever the situation might be? How different would our response look if we did this?

Picture the kid who is up too late and ignored bedtime - instead of a “what are you doing up?” In a snappy tone, a calm “wow I’m surprised to see you here but I always love seeing you. Now go to bed” - how different would that feel on the receiving end? 

Imagine your child is completely rude and going off on a raging tantrum about how awful you are - and instead of snapping back you breathe, tell them you love them and move on? 

It’s amazing how these reactions can diffuse even the most challenging situations. 

Breathe. Count to ten. Do your thing to give yourself the moment you need to collect yourself and respond as your best self. Leave the knee jerking to those reflex tests at the doctor!

Academic Pressure

 I’m sure we’ve discussed this before in some fashion but some topics are worth revisiting. And school pressure is definitely one of those topics. 

Tonight I had parent teacher conferences over Zoom - quite a unique experience. I actually dread conferences every year. Rushing from room to room, division to division, like some sort of marathon sprint around the school with 5 minute intervals to hear something about your child’s experience. For the stronger students I’ve had - it worked. Two minutes to hear how my kid is doing great and next. For the less than motivated of my children - never enough time to tackle the issues. And, side note, if my kid is having issues - we should’ve talked before November! So perhaps I prefer Zoom - at least it saved me from sprinting. I prefer to do that on the track  

But the point of this post isn’t actually to compare in person to Zoom conferences - what I really wanted to discuss was academic pressure. More specifically, how healthy is it for parents to put academic pressure on their children. 

I think it’s natural and even healthy to set standards for our children, goals to achieve. Everyone, whether you’re a parent who cares about grades or not, wants to see their children educated and engaged with their education.  I think the question really is - how much academic pressure should we put on our children ? Is it healthy or even useful to pressure them to achieve certain grades? Should we focus on output or input? Do we care about effort or results?

If your child is self motivated - it’s easy to set certain bars for them. They are strong students and you expect them to get certain grades. Sometimes, the very knowledge of these expectations puts undue pressure on kids who already feel they must perform. That is one side of the coin. 

Flip to the non motivated child. They don’t push themselves and don’t seem to be engaged with their studies. Setting certain standards for them, attempting to light a fire under them - will adding this parental academic pressure ignite them or burn them?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot over the years - having both types of students in my own children I’ve wondered what the right approach to academics could be. 

Like most areas of parenting - these are very individualized questions and the approaches vary depending on your child but one overarching concept has clarified itself to me over time and two teachers I met with tonight really struck chords with me on this idea. 

The work of growing up is a lot harder than many of us remember. Like most things in life, the more time passes, the less we recall some of the challenges. The more rosey parts stand out. I was listening to Charlie Harari’s podcast recently and he said something like ‘remember your natural mode is survival, greatness is override.’  I think when we’re dealing with our kids and academics this is crucial. They are mostly in that survival mode. There are so many pressures on them to navigate - social, emotional, you name it. Adding our pressure rarely has the desired effect. If they’re already internally pressured, the last thing they need is more. If they lack any kind of self-motivation- rarely will our pushing help them develop that. What they need from us is someone who believes in them. Who encourages them. Who can see beyond the anxious or ‘lazy’ or unmotivated or whatever your fill in the blank is to realize the potential they have. Everyone needs a cheerleader in life - choose to be theirs. Emphasize effort, not end results.  Better output naturally follows better effort.

My daughter is studying in her Israel gap year - the same child who never engaged with her education in high school is sending me her notes from classes she enjoyed and can’t have me read them fast enough because she wants to discuss the ideas with me. I don’t think when I had conferences with her teachers in any grade I could’ve imagined this type of student. Be patient and eventually it happens. No amount of coaxing on my part could have done what time and maturity and the right type of teachers is doing to her view on learning.

Tonight I discussed my view of this approach with two of the teachers and a rare thing happened - both agreed with me on my approach to being hands off and letting my kid push themselves when they’re ready. It was an amazing breath of fresh air. Quite the difference from the ones who shake their heads and tell me how much more capable my child is - as if I don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong - I have the same post conferences  conversation with the less motivated of my kids every time - it basically sounds like this - they realize you’re smart and don’t give it your all - when you’re ready to wow them we’re  all ready.  He laughs and keeps moving. But I know and he knows that one day we’ll all be wowed - and when he’s ready watch our world. 

Compliance Fatigue

 Before starting to write this post, I googled the phrase "Compliance Fatigue" to see if it was a real thing.  Turns out it is, but it isn't exactly what I was thinking of when I coined the phrase in my mind.  According to Google (my best source of information), Compliance Fatigue is "“a state of chronic fatigue induced by having to constantly maintain compliance with the ever-increasing variety of rules, regulations and processes created by middle management bureaucrats in both public and private organizations.”

So it is sort of what I wanted to write about - but my definition strays from the typical I guess.

Anyone who has lived through this pandemic will probably relate to what I like to think of as compliance fatigue. Put very simply, we are tired of keeping the rules.  Even though most people understand that the pandemic hasn't changed, they are sick and tired of living with so many restrictions.  As the epicenter moves temporarily out of their state, they feel they've been good for long enough and simply don't need to be as careful anymore.

Lest you think this post is going to be about how we need to stay vigilant -that's not where I was going with this. 

It got me thinking about our kids - and how on point this is with what I've seen over and over in parenting.  

Take, for example, the kid who is almost always keeping the rules, does fairly well in school, seems easy going and appears to be totally coping.  Then one day - mega meltdown.  It can range from a temporary phase of rebellion to a calm, well adjusted child having suicidal thoughts.  And anywhere in between.  Most parents are caught totally off guard.  They can't imagine when this happened, what happened, why this happened. 

Or the kid who has been working so hard on a specific area - they've put all of their efforts into improving the issue.  They seem motivated, invested - and then one day they just give it up. 

Why do kids do this? I believe they have compliance fatigue.  They simply get tired of being good all the time, trying so hard.  Rationally, they understand that life takes work - but they are tired of putting the work in.

Recently we've been discussing mental health issues in teens.  I believe you see this very often with teens who struggle.  A child is battling an eating disorder or working through a depression.  They see progress, they want to achieve their goals and be past the issue at hand - but at some point, they slip or give up.  They tire of the process.  

It is simple - it is too hard to be good all the time.  It is too hard to work at something only to find out you need to work longer and harder.  

My version of "Compliance Fatigue" is real.  And it is really hard to combat. 

So now that we can define it, what do we do about it?

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I remember going through all the motions, trying to digest all the information, wrapping my brain around it.  I was holding it together through surgery and the ICU and the works.  I thought I was coping until they introduced me to her central line (a surgically implanted IV, basically, to give her treatments through).  I had a complete meltdown.  Compliance fatigue to the max.  I was like - no way, I can't deal with that.  It took several nurses reading me the riot act to realize that compliance was not a choice on this one.  No matter how squeamish I was, there was no getting around this.  I had pretty much no choice but to learn to comply.  

And that's kind of what we need to help our children learn.  

Life is, in many ways, an uphill battle.  Struggles don't just disappear because you acknowledge and work on them.  So here are some suggestions to help you through parenting during compliance fatigue.  These won't cure it, but they might help you pass through the phase and help your child get re-energized to want to start again, try harder or keep going.

First, give them time to process.  It is human to have this happen - they need time to settle, realize what is happening, and be ready to address the issues.

Second, don't let them feel like a failure.  A slip, big or small, a meltdown - any of it - is not a failure.  It is being human.  Stress this.  Share your stories of failure, stalling, progress blocks - let them see that we all have this.  

Third, love them harder.  I know this is probably the hardest thing to do - when you have a raging child, all you want is to knock some sense into them.  It just doesn't always help.  And its not always rational.  Remind them you love them, stand by them even when they're raging and mad and blaming you - what they need more than anything is to know that you're not going anywhere despite whether they succeed or fail.  You are their rock.

Last, but not least, help them make a plan to go forward and make more progress.  Concrete steps can help them realize that this isn't as big or overwhelming as it seems.  

We'll all get through this pandemic, you'll live through your kids teen years, whatever tunnel you are currently in - you'll find the light at the end.  You just sometimes have to be a bit patient and always make sure that light you see isn't an oncoming train.

Friends or foes?

In an ideal world, we are partners with our children’s educators and we work in concert. We consult them with our issues, share our concerns and in general have an overall feeling of satisfaction in our choices. I give a loud and clear shout out to all those types of educators- they are the building blocks of our children’s futures.

Unfortunately, We do not always live in an ideal world. 

When it works, count your lucky stars and all those blessings. Thank those educators for all their work as often as you can.

What worked for one child might not work for the next. And you can’t hopscotch schools every time things aren’t working. Moving your child is always a big deal. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes the negatives outweigh the gains. 

So what happens when you can’t find common ground with your educators or administrators? What if you have no choice of where your children should be or are not at a point where you feel it’s socially or educationally beneficial to change?

What I’m about to write will seem heretical to most educators, forgive me. We don’t all have choices when it comes to certain learning environments. We want what’s best for our children overall but we won’t always have all ideal options to choose from. 

I believe that once all partnership opportunities have been exhausted and you find yourself at odds with your child’s educators- you begin to work independently of them.  Your bottom line may not align with theirs.  You need to do what’s best for your child, despite what the school might think is best.  Schools and administrators should care about every child but there are times when their own agenda gets in the way of what’s best for your specific child.

If this happens when your children are young, I’d encourage you to find another educational option.  You have a long road ahead and you would do best not to spend it engaged in small warfare. If switching is not an option, or there are no other acceptable school choices, you need to be very careful how you approach your disagreements.  Being open about it with your young children will make it difficult for them to respect authority.  Keeping your disagreements between the adults will help your child have a feeling of belonging and order in their school life and experience.

But if your child is older and has little school left to go, is deep into their social circles, or maybe is in a post high school program - changing might not be an option. Your child, at this point, is likely aware of the issues. Perhaps they’ve been unfairly targeted at school, an educator has made something personal, or a host of other scenarios I can think of. More likely than not, they’ve brought the issues to your attention and you’ve attempted to remedy them to no avail. 

For this scenario, I’d advise respectful disagreement as an option. They are likely going to have many experiences in their lives where things do not work out ideally. They need to know how to stand up for their position, cope with adversity and avoid confrontation all at the same time. It is ok to disagree with your educational institutions- they are run by humans. If the educators cannot properly handle a situation - if they aren’t doing the teaching - make it a teachable moment!

Remind your dissenting child a few things:

Stay respectful- just because an adult in a position of power is wrong does not give them the right to be rude. 

Avoid argument - if they are not going to change the mind of the person they’re dealing with in how to manage the situation, avoid dealing with them. It will only escalate or frustrate them. 

Do not be manipulated  - like it or not, it’s easy for adults in positions of power to manipulate kids. Reinforce their self respect and teach them to trust their instincts.

Find your own solution- finding their own solutions to Problems, or workarounds in cases where there aren’t solutions - is extremely empowering.  Dwelling on what isn’t working is not going to solve their problems. Helping them find ways to work around the issue or deal with it head on themselves will give them life long skills.

We got your back - remind them they can always be honest with us, to come to us with anything, they won’t be judged. They must know that this adult in their life will ALWAYS have their best interest in mind. No matter the age or stage we will be there.

Always be aware of how your child is faring in any given sItuation. They may seem to be handling the situation but really need your intervention more than they’re willing to admit. And always keep a temperature on the situation as it might change or devolve rapidly. 

As always, good luck - we never want this option, but learning from the tough situations is often some of the best education we can give our kids. 

Election Special Edition

Disclaimer: I aim to keep this blog totally apolitical so I'm not actually discussing the candidates, the issues or anything related to that.  That being said...  

Everyone loves to hate an election.  

The news is non stop.  There are people who love to follow every detail and others who are totally disinterested and just want it over with. But wherever you fall on the spectrum of election interest, you will probably agree that  this year the election is different.  In the midst of a global pandemic, where the anxiety levels are so incredibly high, the issues at the forefront seem more pressing.  The people who used to discuss apocalyptic scenarios and were seen as conspiracy theorists are now mainstream opinions.  The fantastic which seemed like contrived fiction has become reality.

It is easy to panic.

What we don't realize when we talk about these topics at home is how we come across to our children.  Are the discussions we are having causing them additional anxiety? I think its easy to overlook the impact of our outlook, discussions and worries have on our children.

Lets look at things from their perspective.  We are their world.  We shape their views.  We impart either confidence and stability or a total lack thereof.  When we take a positive attitude towards events and situations, they are likely to follow suit. If we see this world as falling apart, they are inevitably going to feel anxious and troubled about what is happening around them.

Now lets look at how their lives have changed during this pandemic.  

If they go to school, their in-school experience has completely changed.  Where there used to be rules about not running in the hallways, there are now rules about their every move.  They are now kept in separate spaces, masked all day, given directions about when and how and where to be at all times.  And that is for the lucky ones who get to go in person.  Many of them spend their school days on Zoom - rarely leaving their houses and trying their best to learn when the conditions are far less than ideal.  I imagine these things are already making their anxiety levels high.  Carefree just doesn't come to mind when you think of our kids these days.  Playdates are carefully orchestrated.  Shopping is complex. Every outing is a maneuver.

If on top of this they are going to worry that the world is falling apart, we are setting them up for some serious issues as they develop.  

For those of you who are feeling panic about who will lead our country and if we will ever overcome the current issues - you are not alone.  But believe me, history has shown over and over that somehow we will get through.  No matter who wins - we are not on the verge of a civil war, we are not on the verge of collapse, we are not going to implode.  At some point, maybe, but not the day the election is won or the day after (and not likely any time soon after that).  Remember that the world goes in waves.  We have ups and downs.  We usually come out on the other side of the tunnel.  Hopefully there will be lessons learned, outlooks readjusted.  Hopefully one day soon we will see the end of this pandemic, the end of racism and bias and hatred.  But no matter what happens, no matter who wins, these things won't be fixed in a day or a month or even a year.  It takes time to fix what is broken.  

But from the perspective of children - they need to see a stable world, they need to see us confident that things are going to be ok.  I advocate making them part of the political process.  My kids always vote with me, its exciting and instructional.  I definitely think we should be talking about the issues at hand, what the parties stand for, what they are passionate about and who they feel is the best option to pick.  Try to remain objective.  Focus on the issues.  Do your best not to make the election solely about moral character or personalities (as hard as that may be).  Remember, from passionate to panic is not such a large leap.  Stay calm and vote on!  

Pity vs Sympathy

 This morning I was running and there was an intense fog. You could barely see 50 feet in front of you. As I progressed thru my run it seemed to be getting worse - til I took off my glasses and realized that the fog had fogged them up as well. Once I got them cleared, it was still foggy but not nearly as bad as I thought. 

Sometimes we see things in our surroundings and we really think they look one way but once we clear up the fogginess on our own perspective, we realize how much clearer they are. 

If you read my last post, you’ll know I’m on a bit of a kick about mental health. I think sometimes this world reminds us that we have to be a part of it, shape it and change it. I was recently talking to a friend and saying how I want to make an impression on this world. I don’t want my life to somehow just be another blip on the radar. And so much of me wonders how I could make any difference- not in the lives of my own family - but in my community, the greater Jewish community, the world.  And somehow I had a bit of an epiphany- if so many of my life experiences have all been tied up in health related issues- and I’m no doctor so I’m not curing cancer - maybe I can work on changing our attitudes towards illness. Physical and mental. And maybe to start that change I have to address one of the biggest barriers we have to it. 

All too often, we pity people going through things. We don’t mean to. We don’t think we are. We don’t realize it. But we do it. 

Think of the looks we give someone when we’re talking about it. Oh, her kid is suffering from an eating disorder. Oh, that poor family their child has cancer. Believe it or not, they’re not so different. And they’re not reasons to pity people. We can sympathize- their pain is hard to live with. Their experience is difficult. But they don’t need or want pity. You pity someone who is living on the streets and homeless. You don’t pity someone who is dealing with a difficult health situation. You sympathize or empathize (depending where you’re coming from). You want them to know you feel for them. 

When my oldest was sick and in treatment, I hated those pitying stares at the grocery story. Despised when people asked how she was while trying to put on a brave face but did a poor job hiding how bad they felt for me  

This attitude comes thru to our kids. They can feel when we pity someone. They see the hushed discussions. They feel the mood. They can see it written all over our faces  

Change it. Discuss things with them without the pity. Check yourself. We all do it. We all need to change it. It’s hard to rearrange your face but it’s essential.

There will always be fog. These things are going to be part of our world and our experience. We need the discussions to be happening. We have such a long way to go to change the way we deal with health issues in our community. But before we can start any of that we have to change this. But we can lift the fog, little by little, and change our approach to the entire topic. 

Please feel free to share your thoughts - you can comment on the post or comment and follow on Instagram @bigpicparents 

Is sharing tattling?

There are many issues which are sensitive and difficult to discuss. I’ve witnessed many hushed conversations where parents are afraid to even discuss certain topics, fearful someone will think their kid is struggling with something. It may be 2020, but Mental health Issues are still very much behind all the progress we’ve made in our world. 

Today’s topic is painful because the ones who suffer most are the ones who suffer in silence. Parents witnessing their children’s pain.  Children hiding their own pain. And friends who are scared and confused by what they are seeing and don’t know where to turn. 

I’m neither a healthcare professional nor a mental health specialist but I’ve lived through and seen enough of this to be a concerned parent who wants to help. Today I can’t address the why of mental health issues. I can’t tackle how to prevent your child from having issues. Or how to take away the pain from those who do. I want to talk about the friends who witness what is happening. 

Kids know a lot more than they admit to. They see their friends. They hear their pain. And most of the time, they are too scared to talk about it. 

Let’s look at it from their point of view. They are a friend. Friends trust each other. Friends keep each other’s secrets. Friends are a listening ear and maybe a word of advice but friends ARE NOT snitches. 

The problem here is that often, the friends are the first line of defense. They notice so much that we do not. They see what goes on at school (a realm we don’t even get a glimpse of for the most part). They are safe and so often share things we will never hear. 

Obviously to put the burden on them to be mental health advisors is unfair and unwise. But often they think they can’t say anything or they’re betraying their friend. So they listen and they try to help. Or they observe but don’t share. They worry but they don’t know what to do with that. 

I’m here to put it out there - give them permission to share. Preempt the worry, the fear of being a snitch. Have this discussion with your child before they are in the situation. Remind them about it regularly. Be casual about it but very open. Straight forward. You are being a good friend when you raise a safety concern with an adult. 

It is hard for a kid to come forward. It is scary. It is also necessary. It saves lives.

There are so many forms of danger that they face which we might not even consider. There are self harming behaviors, some of which become fads in some groups. I have seen teenagers who knew about their friends eating disorders and hid them because they feared for their friendship. Not to even begin on kids with suicidal thoughts. 

Lives will be saved and changed if we all unite and give our children the same message. You never know when your child will need this most. As a friend or from a friend  

There is no room for ambiguity with this message. 

The Path Less Taken

 Today my kids school reopened. We didn’t send our kids in - much against the general sentiment. Now don’t get me wrong - I very much think my kids would benefit from in person learning. It just happens to be that the school chose to open two days after one of the biggest holidays and people were moving and mingling. A lot of schools voluntarily went virtual for two weeks post holiday in order to avoid an outbreak but ours decided against. They have their reasons and I respect their choice. We just decided we didn’t have to agree or take the risk just because they did. 

Why am I sharing this? Everyone is grappling with school and how to and when to open. And honestly I think there are a lot of factors that go into these decisions. What I’m more focused on is the conversations We had leading up to this decision. I feel like we learned something about ourselves, our parenting and our choices in this process. That’s really what I wanted to discuss today. 

As you might imagine - our kids were extremely upset with this decision. Seeing all their friends reunite and not being there is extremely tough. At the same time - we had to do what we felt was prudent. Safe. Smart. Part of me wanted to tell them that their school was making the wrong choice. But that would undermine their trust in the school. 

So we grappled With how to present what we wanted without that tone of mistrust. 

Framing it: when discussing this with our kids, we stressed that many factors go into the schools decision making process. We are not privy to those factors nor can we use them to make our determination. We have to focus on what makes sense for our family and our situation. It’s not always necessary to agree with everyone, you just have to understand you don’t understand them. It’s all about whose shoes you’re standing in...

See it from our perspective: one of my kids kept using the Well know “it’s not fair.”  Instead of my usual tack of  Life’s not fair - I flipped it. Maybe it isn’t fair we’re being put in this situation - did you think of that angle? If the school would’ve made different choices, we wouldn’t have had to make a choice. It would be made for us.  Changing the perspective of the discussion can make them consider it in a different light. 

Delay is not a never: we really discussed how waiting a short amount of time, enough to ensure all the travelers didn’t bring anything unexpected back to our city, is not the end of the world. They’ve zoomed for months, a week or two isn’t going to make or break their school experience. 

More than anything - we stressed that we think about things. We make choices and decisions based on the facts at hand. Like everyone else during this pandemic, we’re just doing the best with the information we have. Risks have to be taken. Life must go on. But with this, as with so many other choices we have in life, we should choose to take them or make those decisions based on our own thought processes and not based on blind faith in institutions, leaders or anyone else. We make our own choices and take ownership of those choices. 

Politics

 I tend to stay far away from the subject of politics- everyone is very sensitive about it and often people feel so strongly about their positions as to make it an incredibly difficult topic. So this post will not be about the actual political issues of our times or take a side or pick a candidate. My intention here is to discuss how we approach politics with our children. 

Anyone who watched the debate last night (or should we call it the debacle?) knows that politics in our day and age has devolved into a game of name calling and attacking and has very little to do with the actual issues at hand and more to do with the people talking. We’ve discussed The art of debate in the past and thought through the way to approach debating with our kids. 

What I’m more concerned with when I think of politics is twofold. I want to make sure my kids understand what is happening in the world of politics and I want them to be able to step back and define what they believe in and who they choose to support.  

To the first point, I think it’s important to discuss what the issues are in our political climate. In broad terms, I think they should be taught how the government works in whatever country they reside in. I don’t think they need a civics lesson at five, but each according to their age should be able to understand some basics. Part of feeling a part of a system is understanding that system. As they get older, their knowledge expands and the details emerge. I’m always sad when a grown adult can’t name the three branches of the American system. Once they understand the basics, they can begin to understand the nuance. What do parties basically stand for - what issues are important to them and key to being in a certain one. As they get older, discussing current events helps them understand the world we live in. I’ve always taken my kids with me when I vote - obviously this year will be different - but I wanted them to take pride in the freedom to choose your own government. And I definitely share my personal political view with them. 

Once they have a general sense of what the system itself is they can begin to Look at the particular players and decide who they like and who they don’t like. I encourage open discussion about the different options. I encourage a discussion based on facts especially. If they choose people because they’re pretty or funny that’s not substance. Try to stick to facts and positions. Let their choices be informed. Challenge them and see if they can come up with substantive reasons for their decisions. One of my kids has very different political views than I do, and we spar and debate - but I always go back to the facts - defend your position with substance. I don’t want to hear that so and so is stupid or funny. I want to hear why you would agree with their approach. 

When it comes to politics - like everything else with our kids - they are the future. If we want to raise leaders, informed voters, responsible citizens - we can set the stage for that when they are young and impressionable. We can choose to make courteous civil discussions and model respectful dialogue so that as they grow up they can be the people at the table who everyone knows can have a level headed, open and honest discussion despite whatever their particular political beliefs. 

Day of Judgement

Yom Kippur is approaching - the day of judgement for the Jewish people. It gets pretty much everyone thinking. There’s tremendous introspection that goes on. We spend time reviewing what’s gone on the past year, what course corrections we need, who we’ve wronged and we try to make amends. 

So before I begin - I’ll apologize if anything I’ve written on this blog has been found offensive to any of my readers.  I’ve tried to bring support and camaraderie in our parenting journey together but inevitably I’m sure there are times I rub wrong Or sound preachy - please know it’s unintentional.

All this judgement discussion gets me thinking about the judgements we constantly make in our own lives, of others, for our kids, in all aspects and how we can improve (or possibly call a halt to) the cycle of judging others. 

In a discussion with a friend of mine a few years ago I made a comment that “I don’t judge people I’m just observing” and she said point blank - “we all judge people.”  If I’m being totally honest I think she’s right. When I sit back and think about it - my first reaction is a judgement and then I go into rationalizing mode. Trying to understand someone else’s approach. 

Lately My kids tell me on the daily that I’m always judging everyone’s corona approach - there will be a discussion about how X went on and we’ll inevitably raise an eyebrow wrong or sound surprised that some thing or another came up. A few weeks ago I met a small child walking and I definitely was judging their parents allowing them to walk solo in the neighborhood- I’ll own it straight up - I was shocked. So how can we stop the judging and bring more acceptance into our lives, our attitudes, our approaches?

This week - I’m opening the floor up to you, my readers, and asking. My next post will feature some amazing advice from parents who respond and give all of us ideas on how to make us less “judgey” and more accepting in our approaches. I welcome any and all suggestions. 

The Back to School Update

 Well by now most of you have your kids back in some form of school. For some of us, we’re just calling it Zool at this point 😛.  And while some kids are coping with this new and very different way to get back to learning, others are struggling. 

One amazing thing I’ve heard from parents whose kids have gone back in person is how absolutely resilient kids are - being able to be in masks for an entire day and really not even complaining about it. So much of what I’ve been hearing has reminded me of the old story with the person who complained about their house being too small and crowded. The advice they get is to bring in the animals from their farm one by one.  Once they have an overly filled house and are really at the end of their patience, they’re told to take them out - one by one. After the last one leaves, they marvel how big their house really is. Sometimes, I feel like corona has taught us just how amazing normal really was. The simple privilege of going to school in person is something we clearly can’t take for granted. 

In a lot of ways we’ve been bringing up a privileged generation. We assume they deserve everything. We give them technology to make everything accessible at all times and it fosters a culture of ME.  If this pandemic has taught all of us anything- maybe it’s more about US and patience. That it’s not all a given. It can remind us to reset our priorities and think about what message we really want to be sending and how the things were doing reflect that message.

For those of us who haven’t gotten to that stage - you have my sympathy!  I can’t say I see an upside to Zoom school aside from liking seeing my kids more often. Educationally I think they benefit from in person learning far more. I’m incredibly impressed with my second grade daughters setup - the school has done a great job understanding the need for smaller groups, more movement breaks and everything else which I am appreciative of and she’s tolerating it better than her older sibs. 

As we head towards the Jewish new year - I pray for a year filled with good health, safety and some semblance of in person life once again. 

Wishing you all the best in the months ahead. 

Revisiting a topic

I’ve been so busy with my job since the wedding I really haven’t had much time to write but I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write in the interim. 

We’ve discussed this topic before but as usual, the more you think about something the more pieces of it come together. And for many this is a sensitive topic, the hush hush type where you get whispered questions but no one wants to say it aloud. 

So here goes - my 2nd child got married first. To some in different social or religious circles that doesn’t sound weird. In the world I live in, it is cause for raised eyebrows. I’ve never quite been completely in step with the society I live in - I’m a very free thinker and would say I’m out of the box. The head covering and modest clothes throw people off when they hear how liberal I am. But to be honest, I didn’t really think much about this until I got so many questions about how the older one is handling it. 

Now to be honest, my newlyweds met senior year and have been dating a while so it was a known thing they were going to move forward. At the same time, I honestly didn’t worry too much about how the older one was dealing with it because she seemed totally happy for them. She baked the wedding desserts, helped with the plans, and overall was just happy. And she’s happy where she is right now - pursuing her degree, discovering her many talents in the art world, and figuring out the type of adult she wants to become. She’s never stepped quite with the program - when others took a gap year in Israel she chose a semester in Peru - but she’s been so thrilled with her out of the box experiences and so have we. 

So we’ve talked about comparison in this blog before (see Post) but I wanted to remind myself and my readers - kids are not the same  We don’t expect them to look the same, learn the same, have the same personality or dress the same. We also shouldn’t expect them to take the same route in life. And there’s nothing hush hush about it. No matter whether it’s picking their own career which you might not have envisioned for them or choosing what to do post school that your others didn’t do  if it’s the type of milestone celebration they want that you didn’t do for your others or that you did and they don’t want (not every kid wants a party for their (name your milestone here)).  Different is not less. The same doesn’t actually mean equivalent.  You are giving as much to the child who you do something for as you are to the child who you allow to not do.  Finding what is right for each of your kids is giving them what they need.  It seems simple to say but far harder in practice.

So to answer all the whispers, yes she’s not just ok she’s happy.  And we are happy and proud.  She is becoming a beautiful adult with unique talents we hope she will use to serve her community and the greater world.  When she is ready, we hope she finds someone equally incredible to share her life with.  I would never want to impose a timeline on any young woman for that or pressure to start that process before it is what she wants. (Definitely another pet peeve of mine, the intense marriage pressure girls get in our society.  Marriage is a huge commitment and motherhood an even greater one.)

And for those of you whose kids are younger and marrying them off is a far off idea, just substitute another milestone your children hit.  Or a non milestone - like learning to read, bike, swim, earning some honor - they are all different, they will have different passions and pursue different avenues at different speeds  I encourage you to encourage them on their paths and do your best not to make a roadmap in your heads of where they should be or what they should do - but be there to enjoy each of their journeys as they develop.  It is quite the ride.

A Different World

The world looks different 

There are moments in our lives that come and change everything. Sometimes we only notice it years after for what it was. This week I think I had that moment. 

Marrying off a child is a pivotal point. You go from just your own kids to bringing in a whole new person and unit into your family. The entire dynamic changes in an instant. No longer are you the person your child is going to run to with their first thought or issue or dilemma. It’s beautiful and terrifying and amazing all wrapped up as one. 

I’m far too exhausted to pull the pieces out of this new piece of the web but my first thoughts on it are this peace that descends when you see your child so incredibly happy. Words can’t adequately describe the sensation but serene would be the closest I could come to it. 

We had a fairytale wedding, unbelievably since the entire wedding plan actually changed days before amidst corona chaos.  Our community came together in the most magical of ways to make it all happen. I don’t think I ever imagined the wedding prep to include gathering fans, coolers and tables the day before to get things set up. But it only increased the excitement being so intimately involved in the planning. 

It was definitely one of those times I think of freezing the moment See my post on “Click” moments- - absorbing and holding on to that feeling. 

I guess this is more a reflection than my usual blog posts - but it was a feeling I wanted to share and hope everyone gets to experience in their parenting journey. It’s one of those times that makes everything else melt in the background - all their struggles, all the blood sweat and tears you poured into them - it all fades when you see this amazing person taking a step forward into their new stage, beginning their journey. 

Moving On

 Some people have told me its time to write something about being a mother in law but truth be told, haven't started that chapter quite yet and feel like I'm way too green to give advice.  It would be like a pre-kids friend telling me how to parent.  Maybe once a few years pass and I am still an in-law not an outlaw, I can test the waters.

But with less than a week to go to marrying off my first child, there's a lot to think about in terms of our children moving on, going to the next stages in their lives.  It doesn't necessarily have to be the biggest change, like this one, but as they grow there are always transition points, markers to their independence, which require a great amount of resilience from us.  

Everyone wants their children to grow up and be wonderful human beings, accomplish great things, move mountains.  But we are not always quite ready for them to do it just yet.  We want to hold on to the time we have with them - where we still have to help shape and mold them.  Where we can help direct them.  It is natural to want that and to feel that protective mother hen feeling.  At the same time, we don't want to hold them back from accomplishing what they are meant to accomplish, from having great experiences and from progressing in their journey.

A friend asked me to discuss that concept and share thoughts about how to do that in a constructive and supportive fashion.

So here are my thoughts (and being that its the middle of the night and I can't sleep, they might be slightly rambling). 

First, its ok to have a twinge of sadness at their moving on to the next stage.  Be it saying goodbye to their crib, going off to school for the first time or their first date, there's always going to be that pang of wanting to hold on.  Its ok to feel it.  And its ok to let go.

Second, remember that your hesitations, fears, anxiety and whatever else you're dealing with about their moving forward shouldn't define them.  Deal with it yourself without sharing the angst.  I know several stay at home moms who seriously struggled when their youngest child went off to school because they weren't sure how to define their role in their new reality.  That's a legitimate concern, but not one that should mar their feelings towards starting school.  Stay positive around them about their new stage.

Third, let's be real - they never really leave - if you've nurtured your relationship and you can adjust to their new reality, they'll come back - be it by phone, plane or zoom - they're always in your life.  And hopefully they'll want your input (in some form at some point, for some of them that might not be until they have kids of their own and realize you aren't that dumb after all).  

More than anything, for the defining moments in our children's lives (and in our own), stop and take a minute to take it in.  Don't be too involved in the details of what is happening to savor the moment.  Take a deep breath, see who is surrounding you during the momentous occasions, absorb the transition.  You will never be at this moment again so don't let it pass in a blur.  

As much as we sometimes want a pause button in life, it doesn't exist.  Everyone marches forward.  Time keeps moving.  We adjust to the new norms.  Life is going to look different in our house after next Tuesday.  I will miss having my daughter home and around on the daily.  But I am so excited for her to start her journey, to begin her new reality.  She has met an extraordinary person and I can't wait to see what great things they accomplish together.

Its way too cliche but more than anything, I feel like I'm gaining another child - and I'm grateful to his mom for going through the labor part on this one :-) 

The School Dilemma

By this point in the summer, thoughts of next school year start to creep back in. While some parents relish the moment when kids will go back to school, this year is filled with enormous uncertainty for just about everyone. 

I don’t know about anyone else but the thought of restarting again at this point makes me almost nauseous. No one knows quite the shape school will take this coming year. There are so many possible iterations of what could be. Some of the kids managed well when school went virtual last year, others got little. For some kids, the year effectively ended in March. 

For most of us, we know masks will become part of the kids daily routine at school - a frightening thought if you ask me. I struggle to get through a full grocery shop in my mask. 

So with this much uncertainty and chaos - how do we approach the topic with the kids? How do we help make them positive and confident in the coming year of learning?

One of my running partners made a great point the other day - we set the stage for how this year will be for the kids. If we keep it upbeat and present it in a positive light, if we downplay the negatives and focus them on what is gonna be amazing - they’ll follow suit. 

I’ve been having talks with my kids about what if’s. Interestingly, the overwhelming sentiment was that they miss school and their friends so much they’re happy to return in whatever form it takes. I myself still don’t even know if I’m comfortable sending them but they’re literally ready to jump on the bandwagon. It’s something I plan to remind them about when they inevitably come complaining about the things that are tough. And in my mind, if they do get back into the classroom, there are definitely things which will be tough.

In high schools it appears there will be some hybrid model that combines being home and being in person. I know we’re gonna have to lay down some better ground rules than we had this spring. Somehow, dual tasking video game playing and Zoom classes didn’t result in amazing productivity...

And of course, there’s always the possibility of another shut down even if we restart. Being prepared for that is key to helping our kids succeed in this environment. I think schools are even sending double supply lists to be prepared for the possibility (happy shopping $$$).

So in this whole situation, is there a way to help them succeed? Apart from staying positive- is there anything we can do to help them?

Additional parental involvement may help set the stage. I think we all need to assess the needs of each of our learners and discuss with our administrators and teachers ways to help them succeed In the different scenarios - especially if last years shut down didn’t work for their style of learning. 

I think we need to set very firm guidelines for the kids of the dos and donts  of this new form of school. Clearly define what is and isn’t negotiable. 

PAUSE...I’ve been thinking this piece through all week and then bombshell- our county is the first in the country (I believe) to prohibit private schools from opening in September. So I guess I do have a little more time to think this one through. 

I’ve got to reset, think about zoom school and how to make it more effective for my kids, and I get a bit more time to restructure my thought patterns. 

I know this is a huge blow to so many of the parents but I’m trying to stay positive. Maybe my expectations were set to this so it didn’t feel like such a shock to me. But I know this is hard for kids and parents alike. 

So while we reset here, please share your thoughts and ideas with us about how we can make the most of this challenging setup for our kids. 

Good luck...keep me posted. 

Responsibility

The other day I was thinking about how long this pandemic has gripped the world - I don’t think anyone would have guessed when this all began that we would be trapped in this chaos for months. And while some places have slowly began the climb towards a new normalcy and some reopening, the steps and stages are staggered and slow. At the same time, so many people have had enough and decided it’s time to go back to the way things were. “What do we need to be so crazy about - let’s just get it and get it over with.”  That’s a sentiment I’ve heard from a lot of people. Teens especially. They feel they’ve been good for long enough and the times has come to restart life. 

I get it. It’s chaos. We’re bored. Trapped. Sick of masks. Sick of distance. 

But we can’t just give up. The long haul is rough but it’s necessary. 

So how can we help our kids (and ourselves) understand the responsibility we have to do our part? To keep plugging away despite the frustration? To realize that if every person does their part we can actually make this go away for good?

It’s a tough call - especially when our national leaders are not taking it seriously. When they watch other adults being irresponsible. When so many factions are making the people who are being careful out to be the crazy/paranoid/hyper ones. 

So here I am grappling with teaching about the collective responsibility. I’ve felt this even more with planning a wedding. It’s an amazing and exciting time, yet the responsibility of everyone attending is on us. We can’t force people to follow rules but we have to set up a system to do our best to ensure their safety. It’s a daunting task. 

Obviously there’s no one thing we can do to teach our kids to feel collective responsibility. Not every house can be a beacon of environmental responsibility or every parent the superstar of the community. Our lives are busy. We can try our best to make time for things outside our regular

lives but it is a struggle. 

So what can we do? 

Normally I’d say use facts to back up your discussion. But the facts are fluid these days and most people don’t trust them at this point - so they may be a weak link in your chain. 

Broken record aside, we must model. If we aren’t keeping rules and showing respect for the issues they definitely won’t feel any need. If you’ve taken to mocking mask wearers or given up any form of distancing, you can  expect your kids to follow suit. 

Second, responsibility starts with small things. We can’t expect a child to take on global responsibility when they can’t even account for themselves. When my kids were toilet training, my pediatrician counseled me to make them clean up their own accidents. Seems crazy, but after once or twice they just didn’t have accidents. If we give them responsibility in their own lives, they learn how to be held accountable. Don’t just do things for them because it’s easier and faster - let them learn and grow from their mistakes. They won’t always do it right but eventually they’ll get it. 

Involve them in the household responsibilities. You don’t have to give them chores if that’s not your mode - but cleaning the house all together or any other group household project makes them part of the responsibilities. If you do it consistently, they’ll begin to (hopefully) see it as their norm. 

Show them the big picture. Involve them in your communal activities. Volunteer with them. I love seeing families go to feed the homeless, clean up the parks, you name it. There’s so much out there for them to be a part of. The more you expose them to it, the more connected they begin to feel to causes. 

We can’t expect to wake up one day with kids who feel a sense of global responsibility, but one day at a time we can build a better world for them to be part of and, together, fight this pandemic and get back to some better normal. 

Anger

It’s possible we’ve touched on this before but I checked back in the archive and didn’t see a dedicated post so I decided it was time for one. 

Anger. Rants. Raging teens. 

If you’re the parent of a teen and have never experienced any of the items listed above - please share your magic. 

As for me, I’ve been on the receiving end of a rant more times than I can count. And if you want to know the truth all I want to do is yell back. I know, it’s fruitless, but it sure might feel good. 

Before we discuss some thoughts on useful reactions towards teen rants - I think it’s crucial to see a rant for what it really is the majority of the time. Rant = cry for help. 

It’s extremely hard to sit there listening to a ranting person and think rationally - our most base survival instincts emerge when attacked - but if we could put ourselves in a sound proof glass case and watch an angry outburst it would be so obvious to us. Watch the body language, how tense they become, the eyes are a telltale sign.  Scientists who studied anger found that the part of our brain called the amygdala activates when we are angry. It is where our fight or flight response is. The teen is in battle mode. Our job is to figure out why. 

I don’t believe teens are the most self aware beings. Yes they have moments of self awareness but in general, the ability to self reflect and delve deep is something that develops much later in life. We, however, have the ability to probe and attempt to figure out what it is they’re struggling with and bring it to light. They may not accept our assessment but as adults, if we know our kids well enough we usually can understand where it is coming from. 

Does knowing the issue help when we’re on the receiving end of a rant? Yes and no. 

First let’s talk about what to do when someone is ranting at you. In my opinion, nothing. That sounds pretty lame I know but have you ever just taken the wind out of someone’s sails? Remember the Berenstein Bears book where Mama is preaching about good manners and Papa is busily telling her how he needs to stand up for himself sometimes to get things done (I’m paraphrasing of course). Then he rear ends someone who stops short on the road and he gets enraged but when a bigger, angrier bear emerges from the other car he pulls it together and remembers to be polite and it ends up being a calm misunderstanding involving some road crossing ducklings if I recall correctly. 

The same basic principal works when you deal with an angry person.  Yell back and it will become a yelling match. Stand calmly, voice even and steady, and tell them you can’t discuss things while they’re this upset - they might yell louder to start but it’ll die down quicker. There’s only so long you can be a one man yelling act. 

If they don’t stop - walk away. They are too big to be removed to their room to finish their meltdown but not big enough to be reasonable and know that anger solves nothing. 

Once you’ve successfully given them time to calm down and cool off - try to do the digging into what is causing the upset. Feeling out of control about an issue often triggers anger.  Teens struggle with controlling their life and their circumstances- they often feel rules we impose are unfair, situations with friends can become overwhelming. Teen years are tumultuous - there’s no lack of issues they’ll deal with. 

Experts say there are three types of anger. 

• Passive aggression - where we act upset or sulky but don’t really communicate our anger openly 
• Open aggression - think yelling and screaming type
• Assertive aggression - when you can calmly express what is making you angry and be open to solutions about how to resolve it

Assertive anger is the healthiest way to deal with anger. This is a skill we need to model for them - be open and honest with them about how their anger makes you feel angry. Discuss how to treat people when you are angry. Keep the dialog going. 

As always remember the golden rule of parenting - MODEL! If your angry rants are what they see, they will likely copy them. It’s ok to meltdown once in a while, we are humans, but try to limit it. 

To sum it up - when dealing with an angry teen :

1. Don’t respond - wait til they’ve fizzed out

2. Revisit what is really going on in a calm moment 

3. Do your best to model assertive anger 

None of this will make it easier to stand there and be on the receiving end, but hopefully in the long run it will help minimize angry outbursts and teach them how to productively express their feelings. 

Own It

I had a funny conversation with someone this week which went along these lines :

(Them) My kids are always in my bed

(Me) That’s awful

(Them) Can’t do anything about it cuz there a few close together in age

(Me) I had 4 under 5 and they weren’t in my bed...

(Them) I’m out of excuses

Ok I’ll own it - it sounded superior - but that wasn’t the point of this post. We all have things that are crucial for us in our parenting. Sleep wasn’t negotiable for me when my kids were little - without sleep I’m not a great person to be around. Knowing that about myself I was always crazy about their sleep schedules when I had a lot of little kids. What we decide to as parents is our choice. 

If you feel the need to make excuses for a behavior then you are not owning it. If you’re the parent who believes in a curfew, don’t apologize for it. You have thought through your decisions and standards and set up a certain system or way of parenting in your own house. If you believe in what you are doing you have nothing to apologize for. 

Back to the bed - if you believe in the family bed and want that to be a part of your children’s upbringing that is your prerogative. You don’t have to apologize for it. If your kids are In your bed because you are too tired to get up and take care of them and train them then that is lazy parenting. Decide and own it. If you’re apologizing for it, it’s because you don’t believe it’s the right thing to do. 

In general, I think it’s crucial for us to think through the choices we make in our parenting. Sometimes real life takes over and things get chaotic. This past week (as some of you who know me know already) my daughter got engaged. All schedule was off the table. The night before we made a little outdoor engagement party, the house was a wreck and my 6 year old was rollerblading around the house at 10 pm as I cleaned up. Yes, I was lazy parenting because I didn’t want to make the time to put her to bed, but life gets in the way. 

I’m not talking about the exceptions - we all live in the real world. I’m talking about the rule - the day to day. The choices we make and the effects they have. 

Own it or change it - excuses should be a thing of the past. 

Taking Risks

Today I have more of a question for my readers than any actual advice. Sometimes I truly wonder how to approach an issue and my own fears and experiences shape my perspective in ways that might not always help my own children. 

I realize that just realizing this is a step in figuring it out. Yet it is definitely not enough to know you have some issue, you still  have to find a way around it. 

Here is the quandary - how do we decide how to allow our children to take risks which may be safer than we think from our parental eyes while still keeping them safe? How do we not allow our own fears to become their fears?

There are simple ones which we just need to conquer - if you’re terrified of dogs and tend to get anxious and make your children anxious in their presence - you must find a way to stay calm so you don’t transfer your fear to them. Dogs are not a true risk. Most dogs, especially ones with owners on a leash, are very safe. Practice breathing or dealing with your fear before it gets too far into your children’s psyche. 

Other risks are much larger and have potentially dangerous outcomes. I myself find that when my children go into the ocean, I’m worried about them going too deep and being pulled out. Of course, there are lifeguards and I am watching closely, but the ocean is quite a beast and it can be powerful. Add to this fear the fact that one of my kids required a lifeguard rescue when they were younger and you understand why it causes me anxiety. At the same time I love the ocean and the beach and want them to enjoy. And they go so far out - no joke. And I do not want them to be scared of it, just smart and cautious. 

So back to the question - how can I help them take calculated risks without sharing my fear with them?

Add to this the idea that I truly believe that when kids aren’t allowed to experiment, when we impose too many rules and restrictions, they tend to do riskier things. 

In our house we’ve never given the kids too many rules - no curfew, no specific guidelines to follow - just be safe and let us know where you are when. A lot of people have told me I’m naive and too trusting of my kids (both very probably true statements) and yet I’ve always wanted them to know I trust them so they feel they need to keep that trust. But I still worry I transfer my own risk adversity to them. 

Or, conversely, the fact that I’m more risk adverse will cause them to be risk takers. 

My husband has always been of the mind that we should let them take as much risk as possible in our presence so they can experience it with our guidance. He lets them taste the wine, go jet skiing or snowmobiling, do the more crazy stuff with them - to give them that sense of freedom but be able to guide them through it. 

Yet that still leaves me with the heart palpitations as they try each thing. 

So I end where I started - with the question of how to stay calm while they take their risks, have their experiences, and attempt not to have them go to either the fearful or fearless extreme in the process. 

I’d love comments and ideas!

Everybody Else

Have you ever had an incident with someone else’s child and wondered if you should tell the mom what happened? Overheard a carpool conversation which the kids clearly didn’t realize you were listening to and think - uh oh. Our mom radar tends to go on high alert and many of us wonder when the right time to butt in or say something - to the kids, the other parents - would be. 

This dilemma is one of the most challenging ones in some ways because we only know how we parent. We have no control over a large part of the situation. We have no idea about everyone else. We don’t know how they discipline. How they react. How personally they take criticism. How open they are to issues with their own children. 

If you’re reading this blog, you’re likely looking for support, ideas, ways to improve and enhance your parenting abilities. Not everyone feels the same. And even those who do can’t always hear it when it comes to their own children. The shoemakers children go barefoot syndrome... (just ask my teenagers, they question my parenting on the daily). 

So how do we approach issues with other kids and other parents? 

Many people want to go straight to the source - talk to the other mom, tell her the issue you’ve experienced or witnessed and let her run with it. After all it’s her kid and she’d want to know. 

WRONG 

This is one of those times where you can never assume. 

Let’s take a step back and asses the situation. For starters, you have no idea the bigger picture. Does this kid have issues? Are his or her parents aware of them? Do they already have their child getting professional help? Do they want to be reminded again of what they are likely struggling with at home? 

Since it’s likely you don’t have all the answers - it’s highly advisable to take a conservative approach. Going to the parents is more than likely a bad plan, at best not necessarily your place. 

So what can you do?

My first line of attack would usually be the school.  Whether you have a good relationship with the school counselor, the principal or the teacher - if this child is struggling it’s more than likely they know about it. Giving them information can help them help the parents get the child what they need. That approach also gives the parents the privacy they deserve to deal with their child’s issues. No, they are not responsible for their child’s issues, but many parents still feel somewhat embarrassed by what they’re going through. 

If the school approach is not an option, I would look for a close friend of the parents to consult privately. They may have advice about how to approach the parent in a way that will be effective. Or they may tell you it’s a no go and you have to take an altogether different route. 

What you definitely should avoid is directly confronting the child. They are not your child and it isn’t your place to discipline them. If they’ve passed early elementary, there’s no real way for you to politely tell them what to do. And it’s not your place. Their parents can choose how to discipline them.  

Unless the behavior is dangerous, which is an altogether different discussion, you can’t actually change the other child. You can talk to your own child and give them guidelines about how to approach the situation. If the child at issue is missing the skills needed to navigate within the group, perhaps you can ask your child to be more forgiving and inclusive to ease the way for them to fit in. If helping is not an option, steer your child in a different direction to avoid the problematic situation. 

So many of these problems resolve themselves over time but plenty need adult intervention. Even the best of intentions can land you in some sticky situations with other parents, so tread lightly when it comes to others peoples kids. I guess like all things in life, if we want to change the world we need to look in the mirror most. 

Understanding

So today I’m posing more questions than answers but I think it’s just time for a bit of food for thought. I think we’ve discussed corona and it’s effects for far too long. The world focus is shifting from virus to systematic racism and many of us are faced with the question of how to bring these issues to our children. If you are not among the people vastly affected by the problems in our system, it can be very hard to explain in a meaningful way what is happening and decide how to talk to your kids about it. I tell my kids all too often that their privilege is coming through when I hear them talking or commenting about the wrongs or rights of different situations. It is all too easy to judge, whether meaning to or not, or just to simply misunderstand.

Another very difficult conversation to have with kids is police brutality. On the one hand, I want my children to inherently trust the police. I want them to feel comfortable turning to them if they are ever lost or in trouble. But how do I explain to them that they don’t always do the right thing and there are problems in our system ?

I remember the first time I truly realized that an authority figure was human. I was in high school and a teacher acted extremely inappropriate in a situation with a student, even asking us not to share information with our parents. It was a very bitter pill to swallow. I had a very hard time accepting the fact that although this person was a teacher and supposed to be above these types of issues, they were also a human and, clearly, misguided. As the years passed the pills became easier to swallow and I understood that the world was not black and white. When an authority figure would do something painfully wrong or inappropriate, I had an easier time finding the nuance and not judging the whole by its parts.

When it comes to the issues that are headlines today - Systematic racism and police brutality - I have no magic answers. If you don’t live it and experience it I truly believe we cannot fully comprehend what it is to live it.

Like many issues we face, I believe it is important to break it down for kids. These are huge issues that won’t be understood or resolved in a conversation. But if we try our best to identify the issues, discuss them in smaller, age appropriate chunks, and find tangible ways to explain the parts, hopefully we can come closer to sympathy for the issues. We have to make sure, in so doing, that we look at the big picture of what is going on.

For children who are being brought up going to parochial schools where they are secluded, as most are in my community, I think it is very difficult to truly help them understand what life is like in other communities. My daughter recently showed us a video where all the kids were lined up for a race and  the ones who could answer yes to certain questions (I.e the ones with privilege) were able to get a head start (Watch the video here). I found this a tangible and powerful way to begin the conversation. In a lot of ways, so many of us live in a bubble and we don’t even realize it. Our kids, who know nothing different, certainly don’t. Modern day racism is harder to explain than it was when there were separate fountains but it is no less real and problematic. Help your kids understand it, identify it and figure out how to start becoming part of the solution not adding to the problem.

Police brutality is definitely a real problem. But there are many police officers who protect and serve. I would venture to say it is the majority. The problematic ones get the majority of the attention, but that doesn’t mean they are the majority. I encourage every parent to focus on that. I think the older kids can understand more when it comes to these problems. As a teenager, the world becomes more complex and you trust less. Teens are usually more ready for the discussion about problems in the system. They have seen and experienced miscarriages of justice. Though they might pale in comparison, they still have the ability to understand these problems in a deeper sense.  I think for younger kids this discussion can be similar to when we talk to our kids about strangers.  We want to strike a balance between trusting adults but not all adults and yet not making them paranoid about anyone who isn’t family.

I started by saying I have more questions than answers and I stand by that sentiment. I don’t know the best way to help our kids process current events and remain positive about the state of our world. But I do know that we need to start these conversations, be ready for some uncomfortable answers and comments and talk through things to help them begin the work of making this world a better place.