Moving On

 Some people have told me its time to write something about being a mother in law but truth be told, haven't started that chapter quite yet and feel like I'm way too green to give advice.  It would be like a pre-kids friend telling me how to parent.  Maybe once a few years pass and I am still an in-law not an outlaw, I can test the waters.

But with less than a week to go to marrying off my first child, there's a lot to think about in terms of our children moving on, going to the next stages in their lives.  It doesn't necessarily have to be the biggest change, like this one, but as they grow there are always transition points, markers to their independence, which require a great amount of resilience from us.  

Everyone wants their children to grow up and be wonderful human beings, accomplish great things, move mountains.  But we are not always quite ready for them to do it just yet.  We want to hold on to the time we have with them - where we still have to help shape and mold them.  Where we can help direct them.  It is natural to want that and to feel that protective mother hen feeling.  At the same time, we don't want to hold them back from accomplishing what they are meant to accomplish, from having great experiences and from progressing in their journey.

A friend asked me to discuss that concept and share thoughts about how to do that in a constructive and supportive fashion.

So here are my thoughts (and being that its the middle of the night and I can't sleep, they might be slightly rambling). 

First, its ok to have a twinge of sadness at their moving on to the next stage.  Be it saying goodbye to their crib, going off to school for the first time or their first date, there's always going to be that pang of wanting to hold on.  Its ok to feel it.  And its ok to let go.

Second, remember that your hesitations, fears, anxiety and whatever else you're dealing with about their moving forward shouldn't define them.  Deal with it yourself without sharing the angst.  I know several stay at home moms who seriously struggled when their youngest child went off to school because they weren't sure how to define their role in their new reality.  That's a legitimate concern, but not one that should mar their feelings towards starting school.  Stay positive around them about their new stage.

Third, let's be real - they never really leave - if you've nurtured your relationship and you can adjust to their new reality, they'll come back - be it by phone, plane or zoom - they're always in your life.  And hopefully they'll want your input (in some form at some point, for some of them that might not be until they have kids of their own and realize you aren't that dumb after all).  

More than anything, for the defining moments in our children's lives (and in our own), stop and take a minute to take it in.  Don't be too involved in the details of what is happening to savor the moment.  Take a deep breath, see who is surrounding you during the momentous occasions, absorb the transition.  You will never be at this moment again so don't let it pass in a blur.  

As much as we sometimes want a pause button in life, it doesn't exist.  Everyone marches forward.  Time keeps moving.  We adjust to the new norms.  Life is going to look different in our house after next Tuesday.  I will miss having my daughter home and around on the daily.  But I am so excited for her to start her journey, to begin her new reality.  She has met an extraordinary person and I can't wait to see what great things they accomplish together.

Its way too cliche but more than anything, I feel like I'm gaining another child - and I'm grateful to his mom for going through the labor part on this one :-)