Understanding

So today I’m posing more questions than answers but I think it’s just time for a bit of food for thought. I think we’ve discussed corona and it’s effects for far too long. The world focus is shifting from virus to systematic racism and many of us are faced with the question of how to bring these issues to our children. If you are not among the people vastly affected by the problems in our system, it can be very hard to explain in a meaningful way what is happening and decide how to talk to your kids about it. I tell my kids all too often that their privilege is coming through when I hear them talking or commenting about the wrongs or rights of different situations. It is all too easy to judge, whether meaning to or not, or just to simply misunderstand.

Another very difficult conversation to have with kids is police brutality. On the one hand, I want my children to inherently trust the police. I want them to feel comfortable turning to them if they are ever lost or in trouble. But how do I explain to them that they don’t always do the right thing and there are problems in our system ?

I remember the first time I truly realized that an authority figure was human. I was in high school and a teacher acted extremely inappropriate in a situation with a student, even asking us not to share information with our parents. It was a very bitter pill to swallow. I had a very hard time accepting the fact that although this person was a teacher and supposed to be above these types of issues, they were also a human and, clearly, misguided. As the years passed the pills became easier to swallow and I understood that the world was not black and white. When an authority figure would do something painfully wrong or inappropriate, I had an easier time finding the nuance and not judging the whole by its parts.

When it comes to the issues that are headlines today - Systematic racism and police brutality - I have no magic answers. If you don’t live it and experience it I truly believe we cannot fully comprehend what it is to live it.

Like many issues we face, I believe it is important to break it down for kids. These are huge issues that won’t be understood or resolved in a conversation. But if we try our best to identify the issues, discuss them in smaller, age appropriate chunks, and find tangible ways to explain the parts, hopefully we can come closer to sympathy for the issues. We have to make sure, in so doing, that we look at the big picture of what is going on.

For children who are being brought up going to parochial schools where they are secluded, as most are in my community, I think it is very difficult to truly help them understand what life is like in other communities. My daughter recently showed us a video where all the kids were lined up for a race and  the ones who could answer yes to certain questions (I.e the ones with privilege) were able to get a head start (Watch the video here). I found this a tangible and powerful way to begin the conversation. In a lot of ways, so many of us live in a bubble and we don’t even realize it. Our kids, who know nothing different, certainly don’t. Modern day racism is harder to explain than it was when there were separate fountains but it is no less real and problematic. Help your kids understand it, identify it and figure out how to start becoming part of the solution not adding to the problem.

Police brutality is definitely a real problem. But there are many police officers who protect and serve. I would venture to say it is the majority. The problematic ones get the majority of the attention, but that doesn’t mean they are the majority. I encourage every parent to focus on that. I think the older kids can understand more when it comes to these problems. As a teenager, the world becomes more complex and you trust less. Teens are usually more ready for the discussion about problems in the system. They have seen and experienced miscarriages of justice. Though they might pale in comparison, they still have the ability to understand these problems in a deeper sense.  I think for younger kids this discussion can be similar to when we talk to our kids about strangers.  We want to strike a balance between trusting adults but not all adults and yet not making them paranoid about anyone who isn’t family.

I started by saying I have more questions than answers and I stand by that sentiment. I don’t know the best way to help our kids process current events and remain positive about the state of our world. But I do know that we need to start these conversations, be ready for some uncomfortable answers and comments and talk through things to help them begin the work of making this world a better place.