I recently had a discussion with my teenage son which was at once very eye-opening and at the same time quite upsetting. He's currently working at a summer camp and we were talking about some challenges controlling the campers. His bunk seems particularly high-energy and the go-to method for some of the counselors he is working under seems to be yelling louder than the campers in order to be heard. I suggested that perhaps some incentives would be more useful than screaming and he told me that he doesn't believe in bribing kids to do what they are supposed to do. He told me that when he was younger I just took things away - not bribed him. He said I spent so much time taking things away (or threatening to) that he was never happy to get things, he always worried he'd lose them.
Ok, taking a step back and remembering what he's talking about - I can definitely say Guilty As Charged. I remember exactly what he is referring to - when he turned 13 he was given a Nintendo Switch as a gift from a friend. Being new to this gaming system and the world that surrounds it - I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I wish I knew then what I know now (forgive me, Katy Perry... ) - but I didn't and I handed this brand new device over to a young teen with no limits and no framework for controlling its use (I discuss some pointers for controlling technology in the house in a previous post). So there I was, with a newly teenage son who had his own technology and was, instantly, completely addicted. I asked, begged, pleaded, suggested that he turn it in at night (yet somehow didn't insist as a condition of getting it, we all have to start learning somewhere) and nothing I said or did worked. He was totally hooked and wouldn't give it up, at all, ever. I couldn't get him to get out of his bed for anything that wasn't a requirement (school) and so all weekend he just vegged and played and I tried everything to get him to stop. If he wouldn't stop I would just forcibly remove the device and he would mope about not having it. To be honest, I haven't completely figured this device situation out - since he still plays far more video games than I would like - but I have found ways around some of it. Had I started with different rules I think we could have had a much more positive experience with it, but that is all water under the bridge. The discussion made me think about something I have grappled with for a long time - do we provide incentives for things that children should be doing or is that bribing? Do we focus on incentives or do we eliminate things if kids are not listening?
At the beginning of this blog, I discussed my method of Repercussions no discussions (see post) - where there are no long debates and discussions about repercussions for certain types of behaviors - you just move right to repercussions (there was a bit more to this method and it wasn't step #1 in the sequence). The question is, though, is there a way to create incentives for good behavior without outright bribing our kids to behave?
I don't claim to be the guru or have all the answers but I have given this topic a good amount of thought. I think it comes down to the fact that in many ways we all create incentives for things for ourselves constantly. Ever not want to exercise and tell yourself that if you get going and do something you will (fill in the blank - preferably not with 'reward yourself with chocolate'). As adults we don't want to do everything we have to do and yet we find ways to do things. Sometimes, we do things because we know we have to (putting out supper each night, for example, as much as many of us may hate doing that). Other things we see more as optional and we find ways to encourage ourselves to do them because we know we should or we feel they're good for us. We all need incentives.
And so I've decided that if there is a positive way to create incentives for our kids to do things that they find challenging - why should we not help them create those systems? There are always going to be things that come naturally to some kids and are huge struggles to others. Some kids are organized by nature and don't want to live in a mess while others are going to have an incredibly difficult time getting their clothes into the hamper at night. Each kid has their own struggles - some bigger and more challenging than others - but small things we can do to help provide them with the incentive to do what they need will help form healthy habits from a young age.
For really young kids, the incentives need to be immediate - stickers for good behavior, a star on your chart, a little box of dollar store prizes, Oriental trading goods - easy and quick. As kids get older, incentives can be longer term (a month of checks on a chart can earn an outing), jars you fill with a marble each time you notice good behavior and a treat night out when the jar is full. They can work their way up to bigger prizes or experiences they can earn. Remember, it doesn't have to be stuff - time alone with kids is a huge prize they covet and enjoy.
So, do we bribe them into good behavior? I don't think so - no 'listen to me and you get a candy' - but I do believe there is a line between incentives and bribes and each person can find it and tow it. If the incentives fail, they shouldn't be used as a threat (if you don't do this, you won't earn your X) - they should be there as a positive way to help kids do the right thing. But if they fail, back to the Repercussion No Discussion. They don't need to hear they lost it or they didn't earn it - they know that already. You can't force them into good behavior, but you can make it worth their while.
As I finished my conversation with my son, I felt I had learned a lot. I told him I was actually really sorry I made him feel like he would lose so much and I explained to him how powerless I felt against the pull of his electronics. And I told him I learned a lot from the conversation - because I did. It was both humbling and empowering to know we, as parents, can learn and improve ourselves from our experiences and not make the same mistakes again.
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