A few months ago I read an article about a couple who was married over 60 years. They were asked what the secret to staying together so long was - and the answer the husband gave was (and I paraphrase here) 'you just stay. When you are angry, frustrated, want to walk away, you just stay.' Ok, we all know it isn't that simple and I am not trying to get on a soapbox and talk about relationships here, they are complicated and circumstances differ for each person (and, I'd be remiss if I didn't make a note to all those people in tough relationships that I am in no way saying to stay when there is anything abusive about a relationship - remember you can always leave if it is the best thing for you and your family - but that is a side note). The article got me thinking about something I hear about all the time - how do we make things stick? How do we keep with things and make them part of our lives and routines? Every new idea is exciting for the first second/minute/hour/day/week/month but somehow things tend to fizzle out and what seemed so great just isn't or we can't remember to keep it up. I've been thinking this question over and I had some thoughts to share on the subject.
Most of us don't remember how we started some of the routines that we call daily life. What made us brush our teeth every morning and night and not give up on that system? Some people incorporate exercise into their daily routines - somehow they keep that up despite the busy chaos we call life. Everything started somewhere.
Although routines are hard to establish, we are capable of creating new ones at any stage in our lives. Like learning to type or any other skill - we can create the parenting equivalent of muscle memory for our kids. Let me explain the concept. When I learned to type I was around 10 or so - we learned on old fashion typewriters. I remember having to type pages of the same letter sequences over and over. It was tedious and I don't recall being thrilled by it but it did create muscle memory for my hands. After a while, I no longer had to think about where the letters were, my fingers just flew to them automatically. I think the same is true with habits and routines that we establish in our houses. If you create a system and keep it up, day after day, week after week, it will eventually stick.
There are a few key points to take into consideration when trying to create a new routine in your house. First, it is key not to try and conquer Rome in a day. According to my good friend Google, it takes 2 months (on average 66 days) to form a new habit. If you get too zealous in your parenting ideas and try to adapt too many systems for too many things too quickly - I don't believe you'll actually get any to take. One at a time. Slow and steady.
First, think about what the greatest challenge you face with your kids on a daily basis is: getting them up and out in the mornings? supper and bedtime routine? Everyone talking at the same time when something needs to be done and feeling like a traffic cop? Pick one of these and try to deconstruct the steps that are involved. What type of system could you put into place to make this time/routine go more smoothly?
When my first four kids were all in elementary school, making lunches was the worst part of the daily routine. I felt like the kids walked in the door after school and between homework, dinner, showers and lunches - my day was consumed and I was spent. One of my older sisters who has a large family shared an idea with me that I implemented into my own house and it changed my life, literally. I tweaked her system and created a lunches system that made my daily life so much better. Every Sunday morning, I would get the kids to the kitchen and we would pack the lunches for the entire week (yes, an old fridge served as the holding space for this crazy number of lunches - 20!). I would bag individual snacks, vegetables, fruits and 'mains' and the kids would select something from each category for each lunch bag (we lined up 5 a person on the kitchen counter). The entire process took about an hour, start to finish, and I didn't think about lunches again the rest of the week. All the kids had to remember was to grab the lunch in the morning before school - and no one could complain about the contents because they had packed it themselves!
Once you decide what you are going to conquer and the routine you want to put in place for it - stick with it. Don't try and incorporate another new system or conquer another chaotic time - just work on this one item for a while. I honestly would give a new system a good 3-4 months before I tackled the next idea. Kids can form habits and they can break poor habits faster than we can as adults. And each routine is different - when you see that they've acclimated and are remembering THE SYSTEM without you having to guide them through it, you know they've acquired the 'muscle memory' and are likely ready to take on another change. We just need to set our minds to a new idea and keep it up!
Please feel free to share ideas and system you've implemented - either comment on the blog or on instagram @bigpicparents
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