Giving Advice

Volumes by wise and educated people have certainly been published on the topic of the best way to give advice so people can accept what you’re telling them.  I don’t dream of being in the same league as those before me who studied the psychology and truly understood the inner workings of the mind.  I can only tell you from my own experience the things I have found to be more useful and completely useless when trying to give kids (and adults) advice.

Like we discussed in the last post on Taking advice - it is hard to accept advice from anyone. If you couple that with advice given wrong - it is impossible.  I was discussing some parenting techniques with a friend at the pool today and I was telling her that when it comes to how to approach things with my kids I often think about how I would feel if I was approached that way about something.  Take a simple example of someone telling you how to cut food in your own kitchen.  Would you honestly want to listen if someone repeatedly told you that you were doing it wrong and here's how you really should be doing it? Most of us would be like - I got this - leave me alone.  We may even be thinking that we've been doing it our way for years and it works so why change.  If, however, the person found a better approach to telling us how to do it without us feeling we were somehow wrong until now and they are right we may be more open to it.  In our cutting example, it may take the form of showing us that our efficiency and time on our feet would be reduced if we learned a different technique.  Or our finger tips would all be in tact.  Whatever the hot button is, if we learn how to hit it properly - real change can happen.

So what are some ideas we can integrate into our advising which will help make it palatable for those who could benefit from hearing it most?

First rule of giving advice - stop playing the blame game.  People often point fingers without even realizing what they are doing.  This just doesn't set the stage for anything positive (ever).  Focus not on who is responsible for the issue or problem but what the issue or problem actually is.  I noticed this when talking to my kids - I used to always start with the problem by saying how I've noticed you've been doing a lot of X lately (fill in the blank here - there are so many - bullying/talking back/whining...you name it). 

What I didn't realize was that I had already lost my audience.  Defenses went up and sense went out the window.  The advice never even had a chance at that point.  What they heard was "you think I am wrong or bad or ___" and they didn't hear the constructive section at all.  It took my kids being old enough to say 'I know you think I'm bad' for me to realize I had completely framed my topic wrong.  Obviously, we need to identify what we're talking about.  If you're noticing your child leaves the dishes on the table after every meal - you are going to have to discuss the fact that the dishes are on the table and therefore need clearing.  Or you could skip the fact they're at the table and just go to the what needs to be done right away.  But if you do need to discuss it - you don't have to point fingers.  Just the facts, ma'am.

Second, as with any type of feelings you are sharing with someone, use I statements more than You statements.  If something is making you feel demeaned, don't come at it from the angle of "you've been demeaning to me in conversations lately".  Come at it from the "I've been feeling put down."  It means the same thing but comes across quite differently.

Third, allow them room to process and come up with solutions to the issue themselves - but give them some leading ideas.  Open minds have ways of creating loads of good problem solving solutions - but the key is for them to be open.

Last, don't lecture.  Keep it short and to the point.  No one wants to hear someone drone on and on and press their point when the bottom line is us telling them they need to change.  I think a conversation with advice should be 5 minutes or less if at all possible.

I'm sure there are many other advice giving tips - and I urge you to share you ideas and comments (either in the comments section or on Instagram @bigpicparents) - I would love to hear what you have to say!