Friendships

I’m really lucky in my own life to have formed some strong connections and to have really good friends. And despite that, even as an adult there are times friendships are difficult to navigate. We all read novels or see shows where characters have these incredible friends as kids and they are taking all sorts of adventures together and always have someone who gets them. And our kids see that imagery all around - between social media and television - it’s a picture that’s painted over and over.  But let’s be honest - not every child navigates the social world the same and some really struggle to find friends and interact in relationships. I’m not talking about the extreme cases where there are issues that professional help is required to teach the basics of social norms - I’m talking about the regular kids, the ones who seemingly make friends easily and the the ones who just don’t naturally make friends easily. Or the middle school stages where your friends change almost as often as your style or haircut. How can we, as parents, help our kids navigate the world of friendships to make it both easier for them and help them develop long lasting connections?

Another thing to think about before we discuss how to’s is that although friendship struggles are common - there are different types which require completely different approaches. Sometimes having a larger family gives me a sampling of the different complexities you can face with the same issue. It’s like each child has a different twist on it. For some of my kids, a small tight-knit group of friends is the perfect fit, for others they have an ever revolving door and though some of the friendships have lasted, kids who once actually referred to me as Mommy are no longer in the inner or outer circle. Still others really struggled to find a friend group until much later. So there’s definitely no one size fits all solution to friends.

The first thing to consider is - what works best for this child? Do they do better in small or large groups? Do they enjoy one on one more than group time? Understanding your child’s personality and working with it is essential. All too often, we impose our idea of friends on our kids and it isn’t working for them because it isn’t them. Think of scenarios where you’ve watched social butterflies overprogam their kids and seen the overload and the child retreating into themselves.  It’s one thing to make sure your child has the skills to be in a group setting, another to impose it on them on a regular basis. It’s especially hard to accept this when it has implications on your own social life. If you’re part of a friend group that gathers often and your child is resistant to going or seems to be on the sidelines because they don’t enjoy it - it may be time to rethink those gathering times. Not every child enjoys loads of social time and still others enjoy only larger groups and find one on one situations boring. Try and observe your child and figure out their most comfortable setting and create situations which are conducive to them.

Second, suggestions and encouragement are useful - forcing is counter productive. Honestly this is kind of a general rule of thumb with kids but it’s crucial when it comes to their social life. Even as small kids, they feel the pressure of being forced into situations. Instead of having the desired effect (child becomes engaged and fast friends with the child in question ) it usually has the opposite effect and the kids are more reticent and less inclined to interact.  When it comes to teens, having opinions about their friends seems lethal! I have found that if I encourage a friendship too strongly the child withdraws from it faster and if I dislike the company they’re keeping and am vocal about it - they’ll keep that company more but often do it elsewhere, where I can’t oversee or get to know what they’re getting into. Now don’t get me wrong - there are ways to steer kids towards better friends - but the straight up honesty that we use in other situations often falls flat or works against us when it comes to friendships.

Let’s break the issues down here - to start with we’ll talk about younger kids (anywhere from toddler to younger elementary). For these kids it is easier to create conducive situations for friendships. After heeding step 1, understanding the dynamic that works best, you can help foster those situations for the child. If they do well in one on one, find play dates that can give them chances to bond. If group activities work, classes or parks or other gathering spaces give them a chance to find the right kids and bond with them. Don’t assume the girl next door or your closest friends child is automatically going to be their social life. If that works, great, but it doesn’t always. If you see your child struggling in these situations - I strongly suggest role playing with them after the fact. Show them how to approach someone they don’t know well. If they have trouble with the conversations - give them some starting ideas. They pick things up very fast even when it doesn’t come totally naturally. Once they’re comfortable enough and find kids who they like they will ease into these themselves. It’s like little kid ice breakers.

For teens it is a different ballpark. Mostly teens you’ll be concerned about either struggle to find a group or get in with the wrong crowd.  I'll go backwards here and address the teens that are in a group you find less than ideal.  Word to the wise, don't be too vocal about their friends personally.  When the opportunity arises to talk, talk about behaviors you don't like or social pressures kids have to deal with.  Attacking their friends individually will turn them defensive.  Try as you may, I don't think you can actually break up friendships that you don't find healthy, but you can try and remind your child, in calm times, the healthy and positive behaviors that you miss seeing when they're around friends who bring them down.  Again, I'd be hesitant to dive too deep or harp on it too often since teens have a way of digging in their heels when they feel opposition.

For the teens struggling to find their place - this one in a lot of ways is harder.  Loneliness is real and painful.  Acknowledge their struggle.  If they are open to talking about it, try and problem solve with them about why they aren't finding friends and what is going on at school/around town that is making it difficult.  You may find they're being singled out or bullied because they aren't run of the mill.  Try to help them find alternate situations where there are different kids - sometimes the kids in their school class are just not the right fit.  Since they spend the majority of their time with them, by force not by choice, they may feel stuck and in a rut.  Opening them up to new opportunities where the social structure is different can be a game changer.

And when it comes to issues with friendships, encourage openness.  Try to make them know that you are always a friend to them, you have their back.  If they want to be heard without comment, you'll be their sounding board.  If they want advice, you can give that too.  Let home be a safe space for them where there isn't the same social pressures they're facing out in the real world.  When they know you understand them and are supporting instead of pressuring them to make it work, you may find an entirely different child in there who is ready to talk and eventually ready for suggestions.  Discuss loyalty and dependability. Discuss how to be a real friend.  Discuss how real friends sometimes compromise.  Discuss how real friends come to parents when there are safety issues, even if it feels like tattling.  Talk and keep the discussions going.

Creating Positive Health/Body Outlooks

What I’m about to discuss is sensitive and difficult for so many people. Eating issues and disorders are rampant in communities across the spectrum and no one is immune from them. And they cut both ways - we have the people struggling to fight obesity and those struggling with anorexia/bulimia. Even parents who do their best modeling can have eating issues in their houses. But hard topics can’t be avoided - we need to get them out into the open and talk about them if we are going to fix them. And, like many of our other topics, this is just a beginning.  Even discussing food and exercise in one post is a feat but I’m going to make an attempt because I believe they’re intricately connected.

One night recently I was late coming home and out of dinner ideas (or energy to make some) and a friend told me about a great grab n go sushi option. While I was in line waiting for my order, I met half the neighborhood who clearly were in the same predicament. While catching up with some people I don’t see often enough, I noticed a running theme. Everyone was discussing either how they overate when it came to foods they found as a “treat” or discussed calories as part of their food conversation. Being health and exercise focused myself - I have given a lot of thought to how to approach the topic of food/diet and exercise and I’m always on the lookout for how we, as a society, deal with these concepts. So I’m just going to come right out and say that overall our society has an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. All too often we portray food as something to resist or indulge in and exercise as a necessary evil. You’ll hear real lovers of exercise talk about the high but most people talk about it as something they have to force themselves to do because it’s good for their health. When it comes to food, there’s far too much discussed about dieting and far too little about balance and healthy choices. And I am forever overhearing people talk about their bodies and the lack of satisfaction with size and shape.

Personally I think every one of us needs to take a step back and ask ourselves what we are modeling for our kids when it comes to these crucial topics. As we’ve talked about before, kids hear everything. They listen and pick up on the minutia. So when it comes to food - do we discuss calories and dieting or do we discuss healthy choices? Do we talk about how the food choices affect our weight or our body and health ? Instead of putting the focus on calories and intake I believe we should focus on healthy choices and portion sizes. Discuss what health benefits they get from things rather than what bad stuff can happen from foods. When you show them that you choose olive oil over some other fat - discuss heart healthy choices. Discuss eating and feeling satisfied rather than stuffed. Getting energy from good food choices.

When a child is taking a snack - hand them a cup/bag/bowl to take a reasonable amount instead of the bag to eat endlessly. You can teach them how to choose a healthy portion size without telling them they’re overeating or having them measure foods  - just showing them that a portion is enough to fill you up without eating too much of one thing. Teach them balance in how they eat. Whatever your philosophy- if sugar is the root of all evil and you want them to avoid it - just remember that banning certain food categories makes people (and certainly small kids) want them even more. And think a lot about how much you’re talking about food and focusing on it. Try to steer conversations away from dieting and food consumption- it’s an overused topic in our society and we need to be where that ends.

I think it’s important to note that when dealing with kids and food it’s important to avoid power struggles over food. Suggesting healthy options and making sure to have good foods available is an ideal way to create a healthy food atmosphere. Pressuring kids to eat healthy food options or punishing them and taking away things if they refuse sets you up for food battles and distorts their view of how to approach food. If you don’t have the junk in your house kids will naturally choose other options. Another important thing to think about - try to avoid making food a reward. If every prize for good behavior or special treat or outing revolves around food - what message are we sending?

When it comes to exercise- I hate to be this person but add some joy to the conversation. Do you exercise? Is the amount you fit it into your life reasonable or excessive? Lacking? I grew up watching my parents get up early every day to run. It was a great model for me - I saw that despite my Dads busy schedule he made healthy choices a priority. My mom got up with him to be his partner even though early mornings were not her strong suit. They showed us that you fit it in however you can to make it work. And you could see they loved that time together. My Dads been gone for many years but my mom still runs, thank G-d, and she sets an incredible example not just for her kids but for her grandkids (several of whom take turns running with her) about how to fit exercise into your life and stick with it even when it’s hard. Not everyone can be a runner - but we all can and should find something that makes us move and moves us at the same time. If we do something we love we will love doing it.

At the same time, there are kids who are sedentary and finding ways to encourage movement can be a huge challenge. Organized sports are a great way to get them moving but they are not for everyone. Encouraging kids to find things to do that don’t involve staying still is crucial but can be hard. Try to get the kids somewhat involved in your movement some of the time.  Bike rides are great quality time  that gets everyone moving. Walks, geocaching, scavenger hunts - all are good ways to get people up and going while making it fun. Many schools have girls on the run or other program to help make joint moving times. Whatever you choose to help the sedentary child, try to focus on the enjoyment, the health benefits but not on how or why it will affect their weight.

And like everything else - you have both ends of the spectrum. Some kids that get too into it - another thing to watch for. If exercise is taking up too much of their time and they are overly focused - help them dial it back. A healthy balance is crucial to prevent danger. I can’t talk about every aspect in this one post so we’ll have to get back to some of this later.

The bottom line is we need to help our kids develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise - trying to focus on the quality of what we eat and the way it makes us feel instead of the quantities. Attempting not to create a culture of diets and weight focus but more of a health focus. And exercise is an amazing piece of our lives that keeps us feeling good and healthy and in touch with our bodies.

And Again...And Again...And Again - Consistency in Parenting

A few months ago I read an article about a couple who was married over 60 years.  They were asked what the secret to staying together so long was - and the answer the husband gave was (and I paraphrase here) 'you just stay. When you are angry, frustrated, want to walk away, you just stay.'  Ok, we all know it isn't that simple and I am not trying to get on a soapbox and talk about relationships here, they are complicated and circumstances differ for each person (and, I'd be remiss if I didn't make a note to all those people in tough relationships that I am in no way saying to stay when there is anything abusive about a relationship - remember you can always leave if it is the best thing for you and your family - but that is a side note).  The article got me thinking about something I hear about all the time - how do we make things stick? How do we keep with things and make them part of our lives and routines?  Every new idea is exciting for the first second/minute/hour/day/week/month but somehow things tend to fizzle out and what seemed so great just isn't or we can't remember to keep it up.  I've been thinking this question over and I had some thoughts to share on the subject.

Most of us don't remember how we started some of the routines that we call daily life.  What made us brush our teeth every morning and night and not give up on that system? Some people incorporate exercise into their daily routines - somehow they keep that up despite the busy chaos we call life.  Everything started somewhere.  

Although routines are hard to establish, we are capable of creating new ones at any stage in our lives.  Like learning to type or any other skill - we can create the parenting equivalent of muscle memory for our kids.  Let me explain the concept.  When I learned to type I was around 10 or so - we learned on old fashion typewriters.  I remember having to type pages of the same letter sequences over and over.  It was tedious and I don't recall being thrilled by it but it did create muscle memory for my hands.  After a while, I no longer had to think about where the letters were, my fingers just flew to them automatically.  I think the same is true with habits and routines that we establish in our houses.  If you create a system and keep it up, day after day, week after week, it will eventually stick. 

There are a few key points to take into consideration when trying to create a new routine in your house.  First, it is key not to try and conquer Rome in a day.  According to my good friend Google, it takes 2 months (on average 66 days) to form a new habit.  If you get too zealous in your parenting ideas and try to adapt too many systems for too many things too quickly - I don't believe you'll actually get any to take.  One at a time.  Slow and steady.

First, think about what the greatest challenge you face with your kids on a daily basis is: getting them up and out in the mornings? supper and bedtime routine? Everyone talking at the same time when something needs to be done and feeling like a traffic cop? Pick one of these and try to deconstruct the steps that are involved.  What type of system could you put into place to make this time/routine go more smoothly?

When my first four kids were all in elementary school, making lunches was the worst part of the daily routine.  I felt like the kids walked in the door after school and between homework, dinner, showers and lunches - my day was consumed and I was spent.  One of my older sisters who has a large family shared an idea with me that I implemented into my own house and it changed my life, literally.  I tweaked her system and created a lunches system that made my daily life so much better.  Every Sunday morning, I would get the kids to the kitchen and we would pack the lunches for the entire week (yes, an old fridge served as the holding space for this crazy number of lunches - 20!).  I would bag individual snacks, vegetables, fruits and 'mains' and the kids would select something from each category for each lunch bag (we lined up 5 a person on the kitchen counter).  The entire process took about an hour, start to finish, and I didn't think about lunches again the rest of the week.  All the kids had to remember was to grab the lunch in the morning before school - and no one could complain about the contents because they had packed it themselves!

Once you decide what you are going to conquer and the routine you want to put in place for it - stick with it.  Don't try and incorporate another new system or conquer another chaotic time - just work on this one item for a while.  I honestly would give a new system a good 3-4 months before I tackled the next idea.  Kids can form habits and they can break poor habits faster than we can as adults.  And each routine is different - when you see that they've acclimated and are remembering THE SYSTEM without you having to guide them through it, you know they've acquired the 'muscle memory' and are likely ready to take on another change.  We just need to set our minds to a new idea and keep it up!

Please feel free to share ideas and system you've implemented - either comment on the blog or on instagram @bigpicparents

To Incentivize or Not to Incentivize- That is the Question

I recently had a discussion with my teenage son which was at once very eye-opening and at the same time quite upsetting.  He's currently working at a summer camp and we were talking about some challenges controlling the campers.  His bunk seems particularly high-energy and the go-to method for some of the counselors he is working under seems to be yelling louder than the campers in order to be heard.  I suggested that perhaps some incentives would be more useful than screaming and he told me that he doesn't believe in bribing kids to do what they are supposed to do.  He told me that when he was younger I just took things away - not bribed him.  He said I spent so much time taking things away (or threatening to) that he was never happy to get things, he always worried he'd lose them. 

Ok, taking a step back and remembering what he's talking about - I can definitely say Guilty As Charged.  I remember exactly what he is referring to - when he turned 13 he was given a Nintendo Switch as a gift from a friend.  Being new to this gaming system and the world that surrounds it - I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  I wish I knew then what I know now (forgive me, Katy Perry... ) - but I didn't and I handed this brand new device over to a young teen with no limits and no framework for controlling its use (I discuss some pointers for controlling technology in the house in a previous post).  So there I was, with a newly teenage son who had his own technology and was, instantly, completely addicted.  I asked, begged, pleaded, suggested that he turn it in at night (yet somehow didn't insist as a condition of getting it, we all have to start learning somewhere) and nothing I said or did worked.  He was totally hooked and wouldn't give it up, at all, ever.  I couldn't get him to get out of his bed for anything that wasn't a requirement (school) and so all weekend he just vegged and played and I tried everything to get him to stop.  If he wouldn't stop I would just forcibly remove the device and he would mope about not having it.  To be honest, I haven't completely figured this device situation out - since he still plays far more video games than I would like - but I have found ways around some of it.  Had I started with different rules I think we could have had a much more positive experience with it, but that is all water under the bridge.  The discussion made me think about something I have grappled with for a long time - do we provide incentives for things that children should be doing or is that bribing?  Do we focus on incentives or do we eliminate things if kids are not listening?

At the beginning of this blog, I discussed my method of Repercussions no discussions (see post) - where there are no long debates and discussions about repercussions for certain types of behaviors - you just move right to repercussions (there was a bit more to this method and it wasn't step #1 in the sequence).  The question is, though, is there a way to create incentives for good behavior without outright bribing our kids to behave?

I don't claim to be the guru or have all the answers but I have given this topic a good amount of thought.  I think it comes down to the fact that in many ways we all create incentives for things for ourselves constantly.  Ever not want to exercise and tell yourself that if you get going and do something you will (fill in the blank - preferably not with 'reward yourself with chocolate').  As adults we don't want to do everything we have to do and yet we find ways to do things.  Sometimes, we do things because we know we have to (putting out supper each night, for example, as much as many of us may hate doing that).  Other things we see more as optional and we find ways to encourage ourselves to do them because we know we should or we feel they're good for us.  We all need incentives. 

And so I've decided that if there is a positive way to create incentives for our kids to do things that they find challenging - why should we not help them create those systems?  There are always going to be things that come naturally to some kids and are huge struggles to others.  Some kids are organized by nature and don't want to live in a mess while others are going to have an incredibly difficult time getting their clothes into the hamper at night.  Each kid has their own struggles - some bigger and more challenging than others - but small things we can do to help provide them with the incentive to do what they need will help form healthy habits from a young age. 

For really young kids, the incentives need to be immediate - stickers for good behavior, a star on your chart, a little box of dollar store prizes, Oriental trading goods - easy and quick.  As kids get older, incentives can be longer term (a month of checks on a chart can earn an outing), jars you fill with a marble each time you notice good behavior and a treat night out when the jar is full.  They can work their way up to bigger prizes or experiences they can earn.  Remember, it doesn't have to be stuff - time alone with kids is a huge prize they covet and enjoy. 

So, do we bribe them into good behavior? I don't think so - no 'listen to me and you get a candy' - but I do believe there is a line between incentives and bribes and each person can find it and tow it.  If the incentives fail, they shouldn't be used as a threat (if you don't do this, you won't earn your X) - they should be there as a positive way to help kids do the right thing.  But if they fail, back to the Repercussion No Discussion.  They don't need to hear they lost it or they didn't earn it - they know that already.  You can't force them into good behavior, but you can make it worth their while.

As I finished my conversation with my son, I felt I had learned a lot.  I told him I was actually really sorry I made him feel like he would lose so much and I explained to him how powerless I felt against the pull of his electronics.  And I told him I learned a lot from the conversation - because I did.  It was both humbling and empowering to know we, as parents, can learn and improve ourselves from our experiences and not make the same mistakes again.

Giving Advice

Volumes by wise and educated people have certainly been published on the topic of the best way to give advice so people can accept what you’re telling them.  I don’t dream of being in the same league as those before me who studied the psychology and truly understood the inner workings of the mind.  I can only tell you from my own experience the things I have found to be more useful and completely useless when trying to give kids (and adults) advice.

Like we discussed in the last post on Taking advice - it is hard to accept advice from anyone. If you couple that with advice given wrong - it is impossible.  I was discussing some parenting techniques with a friend at the pool today and I was telling her that when it comes to how to approach things with my kids I often think about how I would feel if I was approached that way about something.  Take a simple example of someone telling you how to cut food in your own kitchen.  Would you honestly want to listen if someone repeatedly told you that you were doing it wrong and here's how you really should be doing it? Most of us would be like - I got this - leave me alone.  We may even be thinking that we've been doing it our way for years and it works so why change.  If, however, the person found a better approach to telling us how to do it without us feeling we were somehow wrong until now and they are right we may be more open to it.  In our cutting example, it may take the form of showing us that our efficiency and time on our feet would be reduced if we learned a different technique.  Or our finger tips would all be in tact.  Whatever the hot button is, if we learn how to hit it properly - real change can happen.

So what are some ideas we can integrate into our advising which will help make it palatable for those who could benefit from hearing it most?

First rule of giving advice - stop playing the blame game.  People often point fingers without even realizing what they are doing.  This just doesn't set the stage for anything positive (ever).  Focus not on who is responsible for the issue or problem but what the issue or problem actually is.  I noticed this when talking to my kids - I used to always start with the problem by saying how I've noticed you've been doing a lot of X lately (fill in the blank here - there are so many - bullying/talking back/whining...you name it). 

What I didn't realize was that I had already lost my audience.  Defenses went up and sense went out the window.  The advice never even had a chance at that point.  What they heard was "you think I am wrong or bad or ___" and they didn't hear the constructive section at all.  It took my kids being old enough to say 'I know you think I'm bad' for me to realize I had completely framed my topic wrong.  Obviously, we need to identify what we're talking about.  If you're noticing your child leaves the dishes on the table after every meal - you are going to have to discuss the fact that the dishes are on the table and therefore need clearing.  Or you could skip the fact they're at the table and just go to the what needs to be done right away.  But if you do need to discuss it - you don't have to point fingers.  Just the facts, ma'am.

Second, as with any type of feelings you are sharing with someone, use I statements more than You statements.  If something is making you feel demeaned, don't come at it from the angle of "you've been demeaning to me in conversations lately".  Come at it from the "I've been feeling put down."  It means the same thing but comes across quite differently.

Third, allow them room to process and come up with solutions to the issue themselves - but give them some leading ideas.  Open minds have ways of creating loads of good problem solving solutions - but the key is for them to be open.

Last, don't lecture.  Keep it short and to the point.  No one wants to hear someone drone on and on and press their point when the bottom line is us telling them they need to change.  I think a conversation with advice should be 5 minutes or less if at all possible.

I'm sure there are many other advice giving tips - and I urge you to share you ideas and comments (either in the comments section or on Instagram @bigpicparents) - I would love to hear what you have to say!