Personalities

 I need to start today's post with some personal news - I became a Grandmother last week.  Its still settling in and quite weird to actually put that in print.  Life moves so fast sometimes and its amazing to see how quickly we go from changing our own kids diapers to changing a grandbaby in diapers.  I have all kinds of amazing feelings about this that are impossible to put in writing.  Bottom line, no matter how intense and insane whatever stage you're at right now is, remember the good stuff comes!

On to today's topic - personalities.

It is kind of inevitable that at some point, you and your child will have a personality clash.  Yes, some kids have the type of personality that just flows with yours, but more often than not you'll have a child who just doesn't.  Or doesn't for a time.  This can happen at any point from toddler to teen but most parents experience something of this phenomenon as their kids hit their teen years. Personality clashes can happen in small and big ways.  I recently read an article about the types of "Verts" - it described the different types of people:

The “verts” are categories we put ourselves and others in, based on our personalities. There are generally three types:

• Introvert – a person who likes their own company, ponders their own thoughts and can tire quickly in social situations. They are stereotypically quiet and even lack confidence.
• Extrovert – a person who thrives in the company of others, enjoys sharing and caring for others. They are typically loud and confident.
• Ambivert – a little mix of both.

(5 Types of a Personality Clash between People and How to Handle It - Learning Mind (learning-mind.com)

I think this is a good starting point to understand personality clashes.  (I'm not sure I completely agree with their assessment of confidence, but that is a side point).  Sometimes, understanding your child's personality is as simple as realizing your child isn't necessarily the same type of person as you are.  You like to share and discuss, your child prefers to keep it to themselves.  You are quiet and thoughtful, your child feels a need to fill every room with words and noise.  However you see this, it is difficult not to put your own personality type onto your child.  It might be enough for them to say the day was good and move on, you don't necessarily need all the details, no matter how much you want them.  

Most of this part seems fairly elementary.  Once you take a step back and assess the type of personality your child has, it is easier to meet the needs of their personality.  It is important not to put your needs onto them.  For example, your need to know the minutia of their day shouldn't be imposed on them.  If that feels like an interrogation to their personality type, take a step back and realize they will share when and what they want.

The biggest challenge of understanding different personalities or personality phases is when the going gets really rough.  Your child is at a point where you can't relate to some of their needs (or lack of needs).  

For example, you are a clean and neat person.  You want your child to have a clean and neat room.  In their current phase (or personality, depending which it is) they want to have freedom of expression.  To them that means not being told how to live in their own space.  This is a huge challenge for most people.  On the one hand, you want them to live in a hygenic clean environment.  On the other, you don't want to have constant battles.  This requires more than a little patience (and frankly saintliness) on the part of you as the parent.  Yes, you can explain your thought process and ask them to be considerate of the houses standards but no, it may not work.  You can probably talk until you're blue but that likely won't change the reality.  In this situation, you can either decide to clash constantly or you can take a step back.  Yes, it is against your personality type to allow this type of thing but the battle might not be worthwhile.  More than likely, at some point they will outgrow this phase.  Hopefully fast.  

I am by no means saying not to try and teach them some flexibility in their own personalities.  After all, they need the skills to learn to live and thrive with other types of people.  But I do think that sometimes we get lost in the details here and constantly try to push our children to do what we need and less what they feel.  Respect their feelings and their personality type and find the boundaries that feel appropriate in the situation.