Take Five

We’ve discussed taking a few minutes or even just a few breaths before responding to any given situation with our kids  (see the Recent post about knee jerk reactions). I was recently having a discussion with a friend about this and how it would serve our kids so well  if we impart that skill to them. I figured it was worth a post of its own. 

These days I feel like parents are much more involved in their children’s day to day struggles. The entire approach of our generation tends to a much more hands on, into the nitty gritty type of parenting. There are so many benefits to this - we are more approachable and relatable, our kids benefit from the day to day involvement in numerous ways. But there are drawbacks as well. Some parents tend to become over involved - solving all of the kids problems for them in our attempt to give them a more perfect view of the world. 

Sometimes we forget that they’re going to be out there on their own and need the skills to solve their own problems. I’ve seen more than my share of overwhelmed kids who don’t know where to start when faced with their own adversity - whether in school, with friends or elsewhere. 

Obviously we can’t solve this issue in one post - but teaching them an essential first step can get us on the road to helping. 

Take five. 

Any problem - big or small - can be solved. But the more overwhelmed we feel, the less likely we are to find the optimal solution. The importance of taking a few minutes to compose ourself, calm down and think of a good approach cannot be overstated. Waiting and taking a breath shouldn’t only apply to anger. It helps in most problem solving. 

As with so many things, we can model this for our kids when we are overwhelmed. Coming into the house with kids from school and groceries and dinner to get on the table after a long day - show them you take a few minutes, settle yourself and figure out the best way to approach the evening. Once they see us doing it, they’ll likely do it for themselves when needed. It’s the type of thing which is easy to give a nudge in the right direction. 

My youngest sometimes gets overwhelmed by situations and starts to cry and honestly can’t identify what is upsetting her. We’ve started to just ask her if she’d like a few minutes to sit and compose herself. The endless talking and discussion with an overwrought child will not likely resolve their issue. A few quiet minutes will. 

I hope giving them this essential first step to problem solving will jumpstart kids to become self reliant. 

Vulnerability

 I was running in this slushy winter mix this morning and trying to distract myself from how soggy my feet were getting. I was listening to a podcast by Brene Brown as she interviewed Melinda Gates. It was fascinating. I try to get one or two takeaways from the things I listen to - and today I was not disappointed. She talked about how we “learn and unlearn and relearn” which I thought so adequately captured the way ones approach in life should be. What else can a growing, evolving person want other than to keep changing and processing and tweaking our approach in life. 

She also touched on something that put into words something I’ve felt for a while. Melinda Gates explained how when she first worked at Microsoft there was a guys culture and she didn’t like the person she saw herself becoming. She knew how to keep up with the guys but didn’t want to. She was going to quit two years in when she decided, in a last ditch attempt, to just be herself. She found that when she did that, people respected her. Her teams listened and worked better together. And she liked herself better. She explained that real success comes when we put ourselves on the line and become vulnerable to failure. 

When kids are young I don’t know how this applies. But as teenagers and young adults, it spoke deeply to me. Showing your teenager your vulnerability with their struggle takes a lot of courage. We are nervous about being perceived as weak. We want our children to think we always know what to do and how to do it. Showing them we are scared can be downright terrifying. But it also shows them strength. It can touch the depths of their heart and open them up. If we can never be scared or wrong, how can they show fear or admit mistakes?

There is a huge difference between sharing a fear you have and making it their fear.  A fine line between sharing and guilting.  If you take this approach, it must come from deep inside and with no strings attached. 

I honestly have the perfect example for this one but out of respect for my kids privacy I can’t share it. I challenge you to think of times in your children’s lives and struggles where showing them your own vulnerability could reach them. When all else fails, when you’ve tried every approach to an issue and have gotten nowhere - try being vulnerable and honest and see how it goes.

Just Believe

Recently I’ve been helping a new mom through sleep training - I instantly loved this woman when she called me a guru (when my kids were little and I was so rigid about their sleeping because I couldn’t function without my sleep, guru was not the first word that came to mind when people talked about my approach 😂).  We’ve been going through the ups and downs of how to get a baby into a new habit. It’s fun and refreshing and brings back so many memories. I completely remember that feeling of sleepless nights and wondering if it would ever end. And somehow, it did. And I survived. And I did it again (and again and again). I gained confidence with each one. By the last two kids I enjoyed that time - the quiet of night when it was just me and the baby and no one else to pay attention to. But without the experience of the last few to remind me that tunnel had a shining light at the end I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it. 

You’re probably wondering if my walk down memory lane has a point - and it does. So much of our learned and shared human experience is based on living through things. We gain confidence each time we successfully navigate a situation. What struck me when thinking about this was that if we’d somehow just believe in ourselves and our abilities to begin with - how incredible that would be for how we approach situations. 

As a parent you are dealing with new things on a daily basis. Some are small and seem inconsequential, some are huge mountains to climb. No one knows the magic formula to succeed. None of us know if our approach to any particular thing will work. We’re all new to so much on a regular basis. Just when you think you’ve got it, life throws you another curveball and you have to react. Just as you’ve mastered diapers and toddlers, you’re toilet training. You think you’ve scored a home run as your child walks down the aisle at their graduation and then you’re figuring out the next stage. You’re an ever evolving parent - bending and relearning. 

Beneath it all - if you can believe in yourself, trust yourself - then you can navigate all the new situations as they arise. You don’t have to have all the answers, it’s ok to self doubt, to stop and rethink and reroute. But if you can believe you have got this then I believe your children will believe it too. Even without the answers, the approach, the details - you do have this. They feel that confidence and they breed off it. When they feel you self-doubting then they doubt you as well. Sometimes, we put it on as a show until the real plan and confidence formulates. But it all starts with believing in yourself. Babies feel it, they inherently know when you trust yourself and then they react to that confidence. Teenagers, ever ready to pounce on weakness, sense it. It’s amazing what this small but crucial feeling will do to you as a person and as a parent. 

Just believe!