Revisiting a topic

I’ve been so busy with my job since the wedding I really haven’t had much time to write but I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write in the interim. 

We’ve discussed this topic before but as usual, the more you think about something the more pieces of it come together. And for many this is a sensitive topic, the hush hush type where you get whispered questions but no one wants to say it aloud. 

So here goes - my 2nd child got married first. To some in different social or religious circles that doesn’t sound weird. In the world I live in, it is cause for raised eyebrows. I’ve never quite been completely in step with the society I live in - I’m a very free thinker and would say I’m out of the box. The head covering and modest clothes throw people off when they hear how liberal I am. But to be honest, I didn’t really think much about this until I got so many questions about how the older one is handling it. 

Now to be honest, my newlyweds met senior year and have been dating a while so it was a known thing they were going to move forward. At the same time, I honestly didn’t worry too much about how the older one was dealing with it because she seemed totally happy for them. She baked the wedding desserts, helped with the plans, and overall was just happy. And she’s happy where she is right now - pursuing her degree, discovering her many talents in the art world, and figuring out the type of adult she wants to become. She’s never stepped quite with the program - when others took a gap year in Israel she chose a semester in Peru - but she’s been so thrilled with her out of the box experiences and so have we. 

So we’ve talked about comparison in this blog before (see Post) but I wanted to remind myself and my readers - kids are not the same  We don’t expect them to look the same, learn the same, have the same personality or dress the same. We also shouldn’t expect them to take the same route in life. And there’s nothing hush hush about it. No matter whether it’s picking their own career which you might not have envisioned for them or choosing what to do post school that your others didn’t do  if it’s the type of milestone celebration they want that you didn’t do for your others or that you did and they don’t want (not every kid wants a party for their (name your milestone here)).  Different is not less. The same doesn’t actually mean equivalent.  You are giving as much to the child who you do something for as you are to the child who you allow to not do.  Finding what is right for each of your kids is giving them what they need.  It seems simple to say but far harder in practice.

So to answer all the whispers, yes she’s not just ok she’s happy.  And we are happy and proud.  She is becoming a beautiful adult with unique talents we hope she will use to serve her community and the greater world.  When she is ready, we hope she finds someone equally incredible to share her life with.  I would never want to impose a timeline on any young woman for that or pressure to start that process before it is what she wants. (Definitely another pet peeve of mine, the intense marriage pressure girls get in our society.  Marriage is a huge commitment and motherhood an even greater one.)

And for those of you whose kids are younger and marrying them off is a far off idea, just substitute another milestone your children hit.  Or a non milestone - like learning to read, bike, swim, earning some honor - they are all different, they will have different passions and pursue different avenues at different speeds  I encourage you to encourage them on their paths and do your best not to make a roadmap in your heads of where they should be or what they should do - but be there to enjoy each of their journeys as they develop.  It is quite the ride.

A Different World

The world looks different 

There are moments in our lives that come and change everything. Sometimes we only notice it years after for what it was. This week I think I had that moment. 

Marrying off a child is a pivotal point. You go from just your own kids to bringing in a whole new person and unit into your family. The entire dynamic changes in an instant. No longer are you the person your child is going to run to with their first thought or issue or dilemma. It’s beautiful and terrifying and amazing all wrapped up as one. 

I’m far too exhausted to pull the pieces out of this new piece of the web but my first thoughts on it are this peace that descends when you see your child so incredibly happy. Words can’t adequately describe the sensation but serene would be the closest I could come to it. 

We had a fairytale wedding, unbelievably since the entire wedding plan actually changed days before amidst corona chaos.  Our community came together in the most magical of ways to make it all happen. I don’t think I ever imagined the wedding prep to include gathering fans, coolers and tables the day before to get things set up. But it only increased the excitement being so intimately involved in the planning. 

It was definitely one of those times I think of freezing the moment See my post on “Click” moments- - absorbing and holding on to that feeling. 

I guess this is more a reflection than my usual blog posts - but it was a feeling I wanted to share and hope everyone gets to experience in their parenting journey. It’s one of those times that makes everything else melt in the background - all their struggles, all the blood sweat and tears you poured into them - it all fades when you see this amazing person taking a step forward into their new stage, beginning their journey. 

Moving On

 Some people have told me its time to write something about being a mother in law but truth be told, haven't started that chapter quite yet and feel like I'm way too green to give advice.  It would be like a pre-kids friend telling me how to parent.  Maybe once a few years pass and I am still an in-law not an outlaw, I can test the waters.

But with less than a week to go to marrying off my first child, there's a lot to think about in terms of our children moving on, going to the next stages in their lives.  It doesn't necessarily have to be the biggest change, like this one, but as they grow there are always transition points, markers to their independence, which require a great amount of resilience from us.  

Everyone wants their children to grow up and be wonderful human beings, accomplish great things, move mountains.  But we are not always quite ready for them to do it just yet.  We want to hold on to the time we have with them - where we still have to help shape and mold them.  Where we can help direct them.  It is natural to want that and to feel that protective mother hen feeling.  At the same time, we don't want to hold them back from accomplishing what they are meant to accomplish, from having great experiences and from progressing in their journey.

A friend asked me to discuss that concept and share thoughts about how to do that in a constructive and supportive fashion.

So here are my thoughts (and being that its the middle of the night and I can't sleep, they might be slightly rambling). 

First, its ok to have a twinge of sadness at their moving on to the next stage.  Be it saying goodbye to their crib, going off to school for the first time or their first date, there's always going to be that pang of wanting to hold on.  Its ok to feel it.  And its ok to let go.

Second, remember that your hesitations, fears, anxiety and whatever else you're dealing with about their moving forward shouldn't define them.  Deal with it yourself without sharing the angst.  I know several stay at home moms who seriously struggled when their youngest child went off to school because they weren't sure how to define their role in their new reality.  That's a legitimate concern, but not one that should mar their feelings towards starting school.  Stay positive around them about their new stage.

Third, let's be real - they never really leave - if you've nurtured your relationship and you can adjust to their new reality, they'll come back - be it by phone, plane or zoom - they're always in your life.  And hopefully they'll want your input (in some form at some point, for some of them that might not be until they have kids of their own and realize you aren't that dumb after all).  

More than anything, for the defining moments in our children's lives (and in our own), stop and take a minute to take it in.  Don't be too involved in the details of what is happening to savor the moment.  Take a deep breath, see who is surrounding you during the momentous occasions, absorb the transition.  You will never be at this moment again so don't let it pass in a blur.  

As much as we sometimes want a pause button in life, it doesn't exist.  Everyone marches forward.  Time keeps moving.  We adjust to the new norms.  Life is going to look different in our house after next Tuesday.  I will miss having my daughter home and around on the daily.  But I am so excited for her to start her journey, to begin her new reality.  She has met an extraordinary person and I can't wait to see what great things they accomplish together.

Its way too cliche but more than anything, I feel like I'm gaining another child - and I'm grateful to his mom for going through the labor part on this one :-) 

The School Dilemma

By this point in the summer, thoughts of next school year start to creep back in. While some parents relish the moment when kids will go back to school, this year is filled with enormous uncertainty for just about everyone. 

I don’t know about anyone else but the thought of restarting again at this point makes me almost nauseous. No one knows quite the shape school will take this coming year. There are so many possible iterations of what could be. Some of the kids managed well when school went virtual last year, others got little. For some kids, the year effectively ended in March. 

For most of us, we know masks will become part of the kids daily routine at school - a frightening thought if you ask me. I struggle to get through a full grocery shop in my mask. 

So with this much uncertainty and chaos - how do we approach the topic with the kids? How do we help make them positive and confident in the coming year of learning?

One of my running partners made a great point the other day - we set the stage for how this year will be for the kids. If we keep it upbeat and present it in a positive light, if we downplay the negatives and focus them on what is gonna be amazing - they’ll follow suit. 

I’ve been having talks with my kids about what if’s. Interestingly, the overwhelming sentiment was that they miss school and their friends so much they’re happy to return in whatever form it takes. I myself still don’t even know if I’m comfortable sending them but they’re literally ready to jump on the bandwagon. It’s something I plan to remind them about when they inevitably come complaining about the things that are tough. And in my mind, if they do get back into the classroom, there are definitely things which will be tough.

In high schools it appears there will be some hybrid model that combines being home and being in person. I know we’re gonna have to lay down some better ground rules than we had this spring. Somehow, dual tasking video game playing and Zoom classes didn’t result in amazing productivity...

And of course, there’s always the possibility of another shut down even if we restart. Being prepared for that is key to helping our kids succeed in this environment. I think schools are even sending double supply lists to be prepared for the possibility (happy shopping $$$).

So in this whole situation, is there a way to help them succeed? Apart from staying positive- is there anything we can do to help them?

Additional parental involvement may help set the stage. I think we all need to assess the needs of each of our learners and discuss with our administrators and teachers ways to help them succeed In the different scenarios - especially if last years shut down didn’t work for their style of learning. 

I think we need to set very firm guidelines for the kids of the dos and donts  of this new form of school. Clearly define what is and isn’t negotiable. 

PAUSE...I’ve been thinking this piece through all week and then bombshell- our county is the first in the country (I believe) to prohibit private schools from opening in September. So I guess I do have a little more time to think this one through. 

I’ve got to reset, think about zoom school and how to make it more effective for my kids, and I get a bit more time to restructure my thought patterns. 

I know this is a huge blow to so many of the parents but I’m trying to stay positive. Maybe my expectations were set to this so it didn’t feel like such a shock to me. But I know this is hard for kids and parents alike. 

So while we reset here, please share your thoughts and ideas with us about how we can make the most of this challenging setup for our kids. 

Good luck...keep me posted.