Trapped with Teens ... Help!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had my rough days with teenage attitude trapping me in a house where we’re all already trapped. There are days when they keep a lid on it and we’re all grateful and there are days they’re cheery and full of energy. And then there are days when they’re full on psycho teenagers. And to be honest, I think that’s kind of the new normal. For those of you with smaller kids, replace psycho with meltdown and it all feels the same.

Sometimes it helps to put things into perspective.

Kids are very social creatures. Even the most social adult doesn’t compare to the lifestyle of being a kid. You spend most of your waking hours with your friends - you’re in school together all day and then often participate in after school sports, hang out with friends, do community service together. Even as adults who enjoy a nice social life, the realities of being an adult don’t allow for that level of socialization. So while we are struggling with this lockdown (and the struggle is real), I believe they’re having a much rougher time.

I completely understand that they create avenues to socialize (endless hours of FaceTime and Hangouts)... Yes, some of them are taking “social distance” walks or porch visits ...  but I don’t believe it has the same effect. And even though they’re not toddlers anymore, most people struggle with transitions.

None of which makes it easier to be on the receiving end of their frustration.

For me, on the days when I can handle it and keep a level head, a few tactics have helped me. Most of these we have discussed in the past but reminders can’t hurt.

• Don’t engage.  They’re bored and waiting for you to take the bait.  Don’t give them the satisfaction of engaging in an argument that is useless and likely to end in anger or tears.
• Keep it brief - you don’t need to ignore them but a short and simple answer to whatever the issue is enough.  “No we aren’t making cookies now, I just cleaned the kitchen” - it doesn’t need to be a negotiation or long winded discussion.
• Walk away - if they can’t respect the answers you’re giving and they feel the need to keep pushing, just walk away.  You may not be able to get away, but we all have a bedroom or an office.  Feel free to lock your door!

The simplest way to shorten a teenage episode is to disengage. It’s way easier said than done but usually with a little time they come to realize they’re not being exactly fair. And if they don’t it is way easier to discuss after the heat of the moment passes. 

Remember, in most places it’s still ok to walk outside (even in the rain, we don’t melt) - a little fresh air and a break does anyone good. Take care of yourself, be healthy, stay safe and sane. 

Pressure

Scroll through any social media feed these days and you see one person after another urging you to make memories with your kids during these crazy times, accomplish great things, make this a time to remember more than a world in the grip of a terrible disease with sickness and death all around. I don’t know about anyone else but people, enough already!

One podcast I listened to on a recent run had one woman saying that if she “accomplished” not killing anyone in her house this would be a successful time in her mind - and I could seriously relate.

Yes, we are all doing our best here but we don’t need this added pressure to do something great - be real - we are stuck at home 24/7 with few outlets or social interactions. Most parents are spending their days juggling online work, online school and keeping a passable house while putting food on the table nonstop. And loads of people are facing serious financial challenges doing it. These are crazy times.

All of this got me thinking about pressure. There is so much pressure in life - for us and our kids - we don’t always take a step back to appreciate it. There’s pressure to keep up a certain standard of living, to send our children to certain schools, to be at our best at all times to be role models to the kids, to be patient and supportive partners - the list goes on and on. Our kids face tremendous pressure in their lives as well. At every stage there’s school and peer pressure. There’s choices and challenges for them to make and navigate. And I started to mull over how to best handle the pressure without letting it make your choices for you. Without letting it define you.

I think it’s essential to remember what the source of pressure really is in order to understand how to mitigate it. The only pressure that really exists is one which we put on ourselves. That is a bitter pill to swallow since most people believe that the external pressure is not a choice. I believe it is always a choice. You get to decide what your priorities are and execute on those. You do not have to conform to anyone else’s belief about how to live your best life. It sounds like someone’s instagram quote of the day but it is really the truth if you can take a step back and be honest with yourself.

If you truly believe and accept that you are the only person who determines what level of importance items take on in your life - and believe and embrace it deep down not just with meaningless words or platitudes- then pressure takes on a completely different meaning. You can decide what to “pressure” yourself about. You can help your children navigate the “pressure” all around. You can transform the pressure into motivation to be your better self.

Redefine pressure. 

So do we have external pressures? They exist but we can define how much importance we give them.  Help your children (and yourself) by discussing them. Put them into perspective and decide which are pressures you want to impose upon yourself and which are not worth your time. Back it up with actions. If they hear you saying that it doesn’t matter if someone else did X and then you insist on doing it also - they get crossed signals.

I decided long ago not to be a part of the fashion pressure in the world. It didn’t hold enough importance to me to feel the need to waste money season after season to buy the latest and greatest clothes. When I need new clothes, I get them. But I don’t care if my dress is “so last year.”  I don’t force my teens to keep to that standard - but I also don’t give in to their constant shopping pressure. They get to buy the things they need and then if they want additional things (I’m sure everyone has that teen who just must have the latest and greatest shoe trend) then they have to buy it themselves. It is self imposed pressure and it’s ok if they decide to make it a priority but I don’t have to endorse it by funding it.

I put huge pressures on myself as a mom to be everything for everyone at home - and usually it blows up in my face as I wear myself down and am not very useful to anyone. It’s a work in progress. I’m constantly redefining what pressures I want in my world. And I struggle against the external pressures to put them in perspective. But if we aren’t aware of it we can’t change it.

In a recent discussion with a friend, she was sort of negating an effort she made in her running (“I just did 2 miles it wasn’t a real run”) and I reminded her that every time you put one foot in front of the other it is a run. I think that’s critical here - we need to stop allowing the pressure of what everyone else is doing to define our achievements and frame our pressures. Her running two miles is no less vital than someone else’s ten - she got herself out, moved and made exercise a priority. And not being at your pinnacle doesn’t mean you didn’t accomplish.

We are our worst enemy or our own best friend - just decide which side you want to be on and pressure yourself to be the best you.

As for Corona, the good memories will be there if you don’t force them. And having a bad day here or there or melting down once in a while won’t take them away. Neither will putting your foot down about not bouncing a ball in the house or kvetching that the kids aren’t helping enough. Just don’t make those the main discussions - let them be side talk. Relax and try to stay sane. NO PRESSURE...ha!

Confidence

As we navigate this new normal that has become our daily lives, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is struggling with feeling confident and competent to deal with the new challenges it poses. I’m watching my children as they adapt to a completely different way of learning. I’m attempting to keep afloat with my own work and it’s demands while being there for them, attempting to stay patient with a multitude of interruptions, all the while juggling a busier house and constant mess and activity around. It’s a lot and we’re all doing our best. After my mommy meltdown last weekend, where the straw just broke this camels back, I needed some reset time to think about how I can feel more like my old, confident self who had way more patience and bandwidth, who could confidently say I’m the mom and I got this.

On a recent run, with no music to keep me company, I found a podcast I’ve been enjoying called “Lift your Legacy” by Jacob Rupp. In the episode, he was discussing how to build confidence and I appreciated his approach. I think it speaks to both parenting and how to help our children build confidence in their abilities. His main idea was that confidence isn’t an all or nothing - you aren’t lacking confidence if you are weak in one area and strong in another. Confidence is basically a mindset. If instead of thinking of yourself as confident or not confident, you think of a specific area where you are stronger or weaker, you can build that area and then conquer the next area. And he suggested doing so in stages. Just like any other area in our lives we want to work on - if you bite off more than you can chew it’s more likely you’ll fail or give up.

So how can we put this into practice with ourselves or our kids?

I’ll use this online school as a starting point....

 Some of the kids feel completely confident in their tech skills or independent learning abilities and just hit the road running. Others are likely coming to you every five or ten minutes with a “can you...for me” request. Resist the urge to do it for them. Turn the request back to them. Ask how they think it should be done. Heap on the praise when they figure it out. If they can’t, do your best to take them through it step by step and then push back again the next time. They will quickly learn they can do it themselves if you give them the chance.

I’ve noticed my first grader sitting with her hand raised waiting often to be called on. At the beginning she seemed so frustrated because she wasn’t noticed. I realized at some point that it’s very difficult with the Zoom platform for the teachers to be doing all this multitasking. They need to be watching so many screens and navigating their own tech while showing materials - of course it’s hard to notice who is raising their hands. So I reminded her that it wasn’t about the fact they are ignoring her - it was about the difficult setup that they’re managing. Sometimes confidence dictates that we realize it’s not about us. We have this, but the situation doesn’t always allow us to shine. Perspective helps define things and if we employ it, it will help build confidence.

As for building confidence parenting, like any other area in our life, pick one area where you don’t feel confident and build a plan for those situations. Personally, I’m struggling with the teenage stage. I always felt relatively  confident with younger kids. But give me an angry teen and I’m ready to cower in the corner. The debates and attack on character can be exhausting. So how can I feel more confident when dealing with them? I’m attempting to build my arguments before beginning conversations with them. Trying to react on the fly to some upset or challenge they’re bringing at me  usually ends in frustration. Forcing them to respect my need for time to think before discussing their latest “pressing need” gives me time to think about the situation and decide how I want to approach it. They can’t yet appreciate that skill since we live in the generation of the here and now, but I hope one day they’ll look back and realize that the conversations they had to wait for were far more productive. And I end up feeling more confident in my approach because I had time to think.

To simplify -
- break it down - find one area to work on at a time
- push back - take ownership to build each skill
- keep perspective
- make a plan and keep to it
- praise, praise, praise - yourself and your kids!

Building confidence is a process that takes time and patience with ourselves. No great thing in life was accomplished quickly. We all watch far too much TV which portrays “aha” moments where one conversation just broke through a barrier and changed everything. Real life doesn’t work that way. Every time we succeed in an area in our life in any small way, it’s like one brick that is laid to build a house. Eventually, you’ll have your dream house, but it’ll take time and work to get there. Be kind to yourself in the process. Be kind to your kids in their process. Reward all your progress and that in and of itself will help them (and you) see the successes as they come.

Dayeinu! Isn’t it Enough?

We just finished Passover, the holiday that transitions us from a slave nation to free people, able to worship G-d in our own manner. There’s a famous song at the end of the Passover Seder that says “dayeinu” - it would have been enough. It goes through step by step of each thing that G-d did for us and says if that alone was all He had done it would have been enough. At our Seder, the first year in a long time we weren’t with a table full of relatives or friends, I brought up a thought on this idea. If we had only learned social distancing but hadn’t had to quarantine and lock down - it would have been enough. We would have learned a lesson. If we had quarantine and covering up in public, it would have been enough to learn a lesson. Every additional layer of restrictions we are given - we learn just how nice that old freedom was. And we see how important it is for us to appreciate every small aspect of our lives.

Coronavirus- and in general a worldwide pandemic- has definitely put a lot into perspective. We can look at the world with a new lens. We can see and appreciate the things in our lives we have lost focus on. But it is also kind of enough at this point. There’s a pop song with the lyrics I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you” - sometimes that is kind of how I feel these days.

I hate corona because it is making us live in fear. We are scared for our relatives and friends, we want everyone to just be safe and healthy.

I don’t hate that I have been forced to have extended time alone with my family - and yet I hate that we are all stuck together with no outlets so that one persons bad mood can really affect the entire house.

I hate corona because it isn’t allowing us to see friends normally and interact - and yet I like that all the pressure of  getting things just so for other people is gone for now.

I love that the world has gotten some priorities in order and set people straight about what is and isn’t important in our lives. I hate that it comes at such a price.

How does any of this relate to parenting? Especially parenting teens? It doesn’t. I’m finding it a particularly difficult time to enforce rules.  I never expected to be fighting with my kids about what is and isn’t essential to run to the grocery store for (candy? No!). Struggling over what types of outdoor social distance visiting is appropriate.  These are new and scary challenges - trying to stress the urgency of what is happening without seeming alarmist. Hoping and praying they won’t learn to take it seriously by it hitting too close to home.

 The states are adding restrictions by the week and yet how are we, as parents, supposed to enforce them?  Today I have more questions than answers.

What I can say is this - this is a new era. I don’t know what will be after corona - but like 9/11 - things won’t look the same. Everyone theorizes about what is and isn’t “dead” post corona - will we shake hands ever again? Will we have movie theaters? Will we all make it our new norm to grocery shop in gloves ? Who knows.

Right now I’m just fighting to stay sane every day. To take it as it comes. To try and give everyone space now and then since we all need some. Wishing just a little they’d give me that same space when it all becomes too much and we just need to breathe. And doing my best to enjoy the times when they’re all happy to sit down and play a game together to pass the time.