Confidence

As we navigate this new normal that has become our daily lives, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is struggling with feeling confident and competent to deal with the new challenges it poses. I’m watching my children as they adapt to a completely different way of learning. I’m attempting to keep afloat with my own work and it’s demands while being there for them, attempting to stay patient with a multitude of interruptions, all the while juggling a busier house and constant mess and activity around. It’s a lot and we’re all doing our best. After my mommy meltdown last weekend, where the straw just broke this camels back, I needed some reset time to think about how I can feel more like my old, confident self who had way more patience and bandwidth, who could confidently say I’m the mom and I got this.

On a recent run, with no music to keep me company, I found a podcast I’ve been enjoying called “Lift your Legacy” by Jacob Rupp. In the episode, he was discussing how to build confidence and I appreciated his approach. I think it speaks to both parenting and how to help our children build confidence in their abilities. His main idea was that confidence isn’t an all or nothing - you aren’t lacking confidence if you are weak in one area and strong in another. Confidence is basically a mindset. If instead of thinking of yourself as confident or not confident, you think of a specific area where you are stronger or weaker, you can build that area and then conquer the next area. And he suggested doing so in stages. Just like any other area in our lives we want to work on - if you bite off more than you can chew it’s more likely you’ll fail or give up.

So how can we put this into practice with ourselves or our kids?

I’ll use this online school as a starting point....

 Some of the kids feel completely confident in their tech skills or independent learning abilities and just hit the road running. Others are likely coming to you every five or ten minutes with a “can you...for me” request. Resist the urge to do it for them. Turn the request back to them. Ask how they think it should be done. Heap on the praise when they figure it out. If they can’t, do your best to take them through it step by step and then push back again the next time. They will quickly learn they can do it themselves if you give them the chance.

I’ve noticed my first grader sitting with her hand raised waiting often to be called on. At the beginning she seemed so frustrated because she wasn’t noticed. I realized at some point that it’s very difficult with the Zoom platform for the teachers to be doing all this multitasking. They need to be watching so many screens and navigating their own tech while showing materials - of course it’s hard to notice who is raising their hands. So I reminded her that it wasn’t about the fact they are ignoring her - it was about the difficult setup that they’re managing. Sometimes confidence dictates that we realize it’s not about us. We have this, but the situation doesn’t always allow us to shine. Perspective helps define things and if we employ it, it will help build confidence.

As for building confidence parenting, like any other area in our life, pick one area where you don’t feel confident and build a plan for those situations. Personally, I’m struggling with the teenage stage. I always felt relatively  confident with younger kids. But give me an angry teen and I’m ready to cower in the corner. The debates and attack on character can be exhausting. So how can I feel more confident when dealing with them? I’m attempting to build my arguments before beginning conversations with them. Trying to react on the fly to some upset or challenge they’re bringing at me  usually ends in frustration. Forcing them to respect my need for time to think before discussing their latest “pressing need” gives me time to think about the situation and decide how I want to approach it. They can’t yet appreciate that skill since we live in the generation of the here and now, but I hope one day they’ll look back and realize that the conversations they had to wait for were far more productive. And I end up feeling more confident in my approach because I had time to think.

To simplify -
- break it down - find one area to work on at a time
- push back - take ownership to build each skill
- keep perspective
- make a plan and keep to it
- praise, praise, praise - yourself and your kids!

Building confidence is a process that takes time and patience with ourselves. No great thing in life was accomplished quickly. We all watch far too much TV which portrays “aha” moments where one conversation just broke through a barrier and changed everything. Real life doesn’t work that way. Every time we succeed in an area in our life in any small way, it’s like one brick that is laid to build a house. Eventually, you’ll have your dream house, but it’ll take time and work to get there. Be kind to yourself in the process. Be kind to your kids in their process. Reward all your progress and that in and of itself will help them (and you) see the successes as they come.