When We ARE Wrong

I had an awful exchange with one of my kids recently - I missed every parenting mark in the book, I forgot to start with praise, tell them all the positives and then gently work into my issue. And they were genuinely upset - and rightly so. Thankfully, being a good communicator they were able to tell me why they felt what they felt (the next morning) - and that there were so many positive things I could have said before I told them about this issue.  I felt horrible and truthfully realized I had made a huge mistake.  And I admitted it to them straight out - you are right, I was wrong and I should have done this differently.  But this whole exchange got me to thinking about getting critiqued by our kids.  We previously discussed how to teach our kids to take criticism (see previous post) but we haven't really touched on the subject of how to react when they criticize US.

As it seems with many parenting discussions, this is a complicated discussion.  Firstly, everyone has different theories about how the respect aspect factors into their parenting.  Second, some people truly believe that parents should be an unquestioned source and that kids just have to accept what the parent does is for the best.  I, however, am kind of in a different camp on this one than those parents.  I believe our kids need to respect us, not so much fear us as ancient parenting wisdom calls for, but definitely respect.  But I don't believe parents are flawless creatures, ones whose children are basically at their mercy.  Lets be honest - there is a lot of trial and error when it comes to parenting.  We do our best, but at times we act impulsively, we are thoughtless, we make mistakes - big and small, in short, we act HUMAN! Whatever age our kids are at the time of our mistake, they can always learn something by us admitting the mistake and modeling how to apologize and take responsibility for our errors.  I don't think there is anything wrong with this, in fact I think there is a lot right about it. 

Obviously, we have to keep the conversation respectful in every aspect.  And we walk a fine line when we allow them to question our actions - this opens up a huge opportunity for them to question every move we make.  But I think there are ways to minimize that while still allowing for this unique opportunity to model this behavior.

For starters, try to recognize your error before they do.  If you do something/say something and then realize it was not appropriate - admit it before they come to you.  By doing this, you are modeling the ability to accept responsibility for your actions while not giving them the chance to question your behavior.  It minimizes that door opening effect.

If, however, you didn't catch your mistake before they did - I think it is important to be open and honest.  Listen to their criticism or complaint, hear them out before you try to respond.  Validate their feelings, it makes them feel heard.  Attempt not to make excuses.  It is easy to rationalize our behaviors but it only teaches them to rationalize their own mistakes.  Just accept the responsibility.  Then do the simple (but very difficult) thing of apologizing.  Try not to let it become a global issue (you always...you never... are some phrases I would steer clear of on both sides of this conversation) but keep to the matter at hand - I was wrong when I did XYZ, I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings...etc.  Try not to let them turn it into a trial of your parenting (this is something you may struggle more with teenagers than a younger child you made a mistake with).  Just remember to keep on topic.  If they try to steer the conversation to the general - bring it back in with something like "we're just going to discuss the issue at hand and the mistake I made in this instance."

I think the most important thing about making mistakes with our children is showing them that we are people, that we try our best but don't always get it right but we care and want to change and fix our errors.  I believe there is no better lesson for them in life than to see that even adults, who they may see as finished products, are actually work in progresses just like they are.  Aside from the benefit of modeling this behavior for them while they are still home and growing and developing, who knows if maybe once they are adults they'll remember these times and be more motivated to continue to work and grow and develop far past their young years.

That Darn Frontal Lobe

Many parents have heard the research these days about how the frontal lobe isn’t fully developed in teenagers.  Historically it was believed that development was completed by age 10 but more recent science and research has shown that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until the early 20’s.  So this may help us understand how our teenagers actually think.  What seems like insanity, obvious, nonsense, just doesn’t actually appear the same to them.  In an NPR article I read recently, they described it as

"It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly."  (Morning edition, March 2010)

So why, you may ask, am I citing articles and thinking about this? It is actually fairly straightforward.  Every time I have a confusing interaction with my teenagers and I start to think ‘is this me or them?’ I need to remind myself, its kind of neither.  They don’t see the world and reality in the same way we do as adults.  And it isn’t just about not having enough experience, though that obviously plays a part, it is actually because they are wired differently – or actually, not fully wired yet, according to the science that backs this up.

What seems so obvious to us, like the truth and reality is staring them in the face or the consequences of whatever said action might be are not worth it, actually doesn’t appear the same to them.

Can we change this? Can we alter their view of reality? Do we need to?

These are hard questions to answer and ones that obviously need a lot of situation specific answers.  But I do think there are some general rules we can use to help guide us through this difficult journey.

Rule #1 – asses what is at stake.  Is their safety at risk? Are they putting themselves or others at risk with their behavior? When it comes to poor choices, some affect your child more than others.  Some academic move they make at school should definitely be addressed differently than a physical safety concern.  For example, just because they don’t fully comprehend and understand the consequences of allowing kids to ride in their car without seatbelts doesn’t mean you should let that behavior slide.  Back to square one with that one, no discussion just repurcussion.  You laid out the rules of driving when you handed them the car keys (I hope, and if you didn’t, time to rewind and remind them of the rules) and if they didn’t follow them, consequences will dictate that they lose the privelege of driving.  Whereas not studying for a test and not thinking through the consequences of failing to put in effort and how that may or may not affect their ability to get into certain colleges should certainly be handled differently.  Yes, both of these speak to their lack of development in the front lobe – they aren’t comprehending the long term impact of their behaviors – but they should be addressed in different ways. 

Rule #2 – role play/discuss the scenarios.  Yes it’s back to my talking agenda. They may or may not be open to listening but that doesn’t mean to stop the talking (see my post on keeping up the talk  with your kids).  Help them think through the impact of their behaviors – big and small.  Are they planning a school prank that may not be seen as funny by the people involved? Help them assess the ramifications of their behavior before they put it into effect. 

Rule #3: Stress their importance. Sometimes teens feel like islands adrift. Alone. They don’t realize they are part of a community and they have a place. What they do matters to them and to others. It’s a reality we as parents should remind them. I honestly believe it will help them find their way and develop that awareness that may be naturally lacking or too early for them to understand. Do they continuously ignore the obvious truths staring right at them - concern from family or friends about being withdrawn or their principal repeatedly calling them out on the same issue? Discuss how people care about them and only want what’s best for them. That the greater collective of people really are out for their best. Show them both sides of whatever the issue is. Try to help them see beyond their limited and under developed view of the world. Past the judgements they believe people are making and into the real issues at hand. 

We can’t rush the frontal lobe into developing faster and there are going to be many times where despite our best efforts, their perspective is going to be from Pluto and ours from Mars or Venus but we may bridge the gap and help them past some of the big and small issues. With some luck maybe we can even tackle the really important ones that they face. 

Strategic Parenting

Recently I had a dilemma with a child where I had to get to the bottom of something and I knew my child wasn’t being completely honest with me from their end. I felt like a master manipulator as I attempted to get to the bottom of the issue from several different angles and I was left feeling like somehow even though I knew I did what I had to do, I was being dishonest to my true self. I’m a straight arrow and I follow rules. I say it like it is and often say it was too much like it is. I don’t couch truths or step carefully where feelings may be hurt - even to a fault. I know this about myself and yet there I was essentially bending truths and pushing limits - and telling myself it didn’t feel like me yet it felt necessary.

And so, today, dear readers - I deal with a tricky question - can we bend the truth when it comes to our kids and helping them resolve issues? Can we fudge the lines - in an ends justify the means type move?

A colleague of mine had a great term when we were discussing this issue - he told me it’s not manipulative when you’re a parent doing things for your child - it’s strategic parenting. And I knew instantly that he had Just coined what would become a favorite phrase for me. A concept i can cling to when my moral compass needs some calming down. Parenting is such a tricky thing - there are inevitably times when no matter how much we want to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, we can’t for the sake of our child. And yet we are still doing the right thing. 100% without a shred of doubt.

Obviously this presents some technical issues. First, being strategic is complicated. Whereas truths are easy to keep straight, everyone knows when you start to bend reality in any way you get into murky waters. You must keep your story straight. You cannot mix up the plan. It takes extremely careful planning and forethought to be a strategic parent. You must understand your goal and trust your gut. Think through the angles thoroughly before you take even the smallest step in these situations. The Most important thing is that your child can’t actually know the steps you’ve taken or the pieces you’ve put into place - yes, they are to their benefit but they don’t always have to understand the behind the scenes.

Since this seems very abstract, I’ll use an oversimplified example. Let’s take a teenager who you believe is cheating on their tests at school. The only reason this came to your attention in our example is because the friend they are cheating from spilled the beans to another kid in your carpool when they thought you could hear nothing of their conversation. Now of course you could go to your kid and confront them with the accusations but you have no proof and honesty no reasonable way to come and tell them without revealing your sources. And we all know how kids feel about snitches. Loyalty is of the utmost importance when you’re a teenager. So you need to think strategically.

First you ask yourself - what’s my goal? If you identify what you aim for your child to gain it will help you form a plan. It’s not always easy to know what you want out of a situation. Merely to “catch” them doesn’t really do much. When I’m thinking of my goals I like to focus on process. I want them to learn from their mistake. I want them to be able to admit and identify the point at which they went wrong so they can correct it for the future. I want them to learn the steps to the process so they can succeed in the future and not repeat the same mistake.

Back to our teen who we believe cheated on the test. So what’s the idea behind catching them? Or preventing a repeat episode? Clearly a child who cheats on a test is struggling. They may be struggling with the material being taught and too embarrassed to reach out for help lest they seem stupid. Or they may be struggling with test taking skills - even with all the material understood and comprehended perfectly it may be too hard for them to get their ideas across. Or, let’s face it this could be the case, they may be on the lazy side and don’t want to put the work in to get it done and be ready (but usually there’s both a pattern you could identify there and also an underlying cause of laziness). Before you take any action, do your best to identify the cause.

Now how could you strategically deal with our example? You could have a discussion with the teacher (if they’re the partnering type) and give them a heads up about what you think is going on in their class. Discuss your goals with them so it doesn’t just become a punitive fallout. If the issue is comprehension, after the inevitable fallout, talk to your child about how they tried to get help with the material and what else they could have done before resorting to cheating on a test (come to you for help, for example). Make sure you don’t get caught up in the catching them aspect and more focused on the process of how they can learn from the episode. No, it’s not telling on your child - it is helping them. The teacher could then catch the offenders and get to the bottom of the situation and no one was the wiser that you had a hand in it. You could talk to someone else in the school, resource or a counselor, have them assess your child for the issues you suspect - again no one has any clue you intervened.  You obviously can do many other things, plant some false cheat sheets, etc if you feel there’s a way they’ll learn from failing the test they thought they would ace through cheating. Like I said, it feels like scheming sometimes but there are times when scheming is helpful.

The bottom line is we walk a fine line as parents. Yes, we want to be straightforward and honest at all times - but when dealing with kids and their issues, especially kids who get into hard stages and patterns, it is not always easy to find way to help them through. They get to points where they don’t want your help or advice and still, you are their parents and they need you, even when you don’t know it. Use your wits and your creative abilities and even in the most difficult scenarios you will hopefully find a way in. And yes, sometimes they’ll never know the lengths you went to to help them through but that’s what being a mom or dad really is, they’ll never get it til it’s their turn.

Relevance

I sometimes wonder if I’m alone in wondering how relevant I am in life. It’s something people are too afraid to admit most of the time but likely no less true. We are all trying to find a place in this vast universe where we mean something to someone. Where we leave a mark and have something to be remembered by. Have you ever thought about how relevant you are in your own life, in your own family, with your own kids? I think most parents get to a point where they ask themselves these questions. Are your kids growing up and becoming less dependent? There’s probably a part of you that’s relieved (you can finally venture to the bathroom alone!) and a part of you that’s struggling with the distance. I think this grows stronger the older kids get.

Yes, there are definitely people who count down the days to the college move out or the camp send off - but I would venture to guess everyone, to some degree or another, struggles with these feelings at some point. The question really is, are we relevant? And what exactly determines our relevance? Is it physical dependence? Financial? Emotional?

In my humble opinion, I think the real key here for long term relevance is emotional connection. Kids (and most people in our lives at any point) will eventually outgrow most of their dependence on us. If they don’t outgrow it, if you don’t let them spread their wings and learn to fly, you’re actually doing them a disservice. They should be trained to be competent and confident. They should be taught the skills to go out on their own and function in society and be productive members of our world community. But with all of their capabilities, if we foster an emotional connection they will still want and enjoy that bond.

The biggest question is how to best foster an emotional connection with our children. Figuring out how to physically care for them is a huge challenge but also something intuitive. We hear their cries as babies and learn to decipher them - feed me, change me, hold me. We learn, albeit with a steep learning curve at times, how to guide ourselves and our families through these stages. Financial dependence also comes along the same type of route. As the family grows and the needs grow, we attempt to adjust our financial concept and support the life we have created. But building emotional connections is a whole different world. As kids grow they naturally distance themselves as they explore friends, social circles, and all manner of environments. Naturally they pull away and stop sharing (for those who shared to start) and we are often left feeling like there’s no way to connect. Discussions turn more into interrogation sessions in their opinion. We find ourselves interacting mostly over what can and can’t be done rather than about life, feelings, and experiences.

So what can we do to maintain that connection?

 First, don’t wait for them to start the conversations. Talk. Talk. Talk. It doesn’t need to be about something big or important, just keep the conversation flowing. Use opportunities that present themselves - the dinner table, the car ride home from school, anywhere you can get their attention or even part of it - make it a chance to talk. Like most things in life, practicing builds a skill. Practice the conversation skill and usually eventually they’ll start to respond.

Second, focus on what interests them, not just you. It’s unlikely they want to hear about the latest screw up in your office or an article you read in the business times. They probably do want to discuss something they’re interested in. Lately I’ve watched my teenagers sitting and engaging with one of my husbands best friends and I observed that it’s because he still has the spark in him of a teenager - he can get excited about sports, their crazy stories, he can talk the talk and walk the walk. I’m trying to learn from that and find stuff they’re focused on and learn about it. I may hate sports but if my 15 year old wants to discuss the fantasy draft I’ll be a ready study. Figure out a book they’re reading with their friends and read it too. Watch the TV series they’re into so you can catch up on the latest with them. It may not be your passions but you’ll be amazed how fast they become big talkers. I think the more they see you as interested in their life the more you build the emotional connection.

Third, spend time even when it doesn’t involve conversation. Exercise together. Train for a run with them. Quiz them for their exam. Doodle next to them as they work. Sit quietly and read next to them on the couch. Have them sit at the kitchen counter doing their homework as you cook. Don’t fall into the trap of having them come home, retreat to their room and only emerge for food.  Make your house a space where they can live and relax and bring their people in. Try and create a space to be together. It’s amazing how even subconsciously we can build connections this way.

Let’s face it, the more you feel needed and wanted by someone the more relevant you feel in life. We all need validation- some people can admit that and others have a harder time saying it aloud. But when it comes to our kids, there’s a deep and real need to keep that relevance without letting it stifle their growth and development. I truly think with the conversations flowing and shared space and experience, you’ll find the kids coming more and more with the real things they need to talk about and the small details that make up our lives because they’re already accustomed to having conversations, of all types, with you.