Back to School Transitions

We’re at that time of year where some parents are counting the seconds until the kids go back to school and routine and others are dreading the return to schedule and the loss of freedom. As parents we all have different views of summer break and everyone is entitled to their take on the off time. Personally I’m in the category of people who will miss the long days and minimal schedule that summer has to offer. When I was home with my kids, summer was my favorite time of year where we would Mommy Camp our days and I didn’t have to think about things like carpool and homework. Just about the only downside to summers for me was the house mess that came along with the freedom.

Kids approach the start of school with an equal amount of mixed feelings. I think the back to school excitement usually wanes with the advancing of grades - let’s be honest it’s much more exciting to go into first grade than it is to start 7th.  Learning is still exciting and adventurous at that point. But whether you have a 5 year old or a 15 year old, many kids struggle with the transition. Add to this the number of kids who struggle with issues related to executive functioning and the difficulties of transitions are amplified.

All of which brings me to my discussion for today - just a few short thoughts on how to help parents make the transition back to school easier for themselves.  I know this discussion should include tips for kids transition as well but I find that posts that are too long may lose some people so I will attempt either a second go-round this week or to make that next weeks topic.

I think today we’ll start with parents. I can’t keep track of the things we’ve discussed in the various topics we’ve covered since I started writing this blog so if this is a repeat please accept my apologies. My least favorite tasks related to school are lunches and homework. I used to feel that every day was a challenge when the kids came home I’d be doing the homework, getting dinner made and served and then having to figure out what to put in their lunches for the next day. It was a little bit like being on a task treadmill from the minute they walked in until they were tucked into bed. I missed getting QT with the kids that wasn’t task oriented. To help alleviate some of the pressure we started a lunches system that actually changed my life!  I credit this system to my sister who thought of it for her family and we adopted it. On Sunday’s we packed the weeks lunches. Yes, this required a bit of fridge space and maneuvering and it is definitely not a solution for everyone but even if you can’t adopt the totality of it, there are pieces that can help. The way I did it was I bagged all the snacks, veggies, fruits, etc and the kids then assembled their lunches (5 lined up) with my help as the quality control check. Each child picked a main, 2 snacks, a fruit and veggie for each lunch. People whose kids are more particular about mains or who need fresh sandwiches could do the lunches without the mains and just stick the main in the night before or that morning (most of my kids used to take yogurts as mains so it was easy but now my youngest daughter can’t do dairy and she seems to choose veggies and chummus or a sandwich and happily lets me make those Sunday so I just got lucky). Whichever way you may choose to adopt this - I think the idea is to look at the things in our daily life which most frustrate us and see if there’s a way to change those things because sometimes when we are so dragged down by the details we forget that not all aggravations are necessary ones and usually there is a better solution out there if we are willing to try.

Homework is another area that I find frustrating. As someone who spent a few years in the teaching arena, I have my own opinions about the usefulness of homework. While I actually believe you need homework in areas like math - I’m not convinced most of the rest of it has educational benefits for most kids. Especially if your child is in a dual curriculum with a long day - I mostly believe kids should be allowed to be kids when they get home and should spend whatever is left of their afternoons outside absorbing the fresh air and playing. But homework is a reality and most parents have to decide the best approach to it. Different strokes for different folks here. I think some kids need to get it out of the way when they walk in the door and others need time before they attack it. Every parent should feel out their child’s personality in order to figure out the best way to get this task done with the least amount of fighting or pushing. One thing I can say universally- your child’s teacher did not mean for you to sit down and do the homework with them. Be available for guidance and clarifications but that’s all. Sitting with them, critiquing and “helping” really teaches them that they themselves do t have the skills for the task at hand. Be in touch with your child’s teachers in an open and honest way if you see them struggling to master the material or if they’re spending excessive time on it. Yes, inevitably some will have old school attitudes and may not be helpful - but hopefully by 2019 most will be more interested in a good healthy partnership with you, the parent, to create educational success for your child. And don’t wait until you and your child are at the end of your rope to have the talk. I can’t tell you how many times I went to teachers when we had spent. If he after night in tears and my kid was beyond themselves trying to figure out what the assignment was or how to get it all done just to have a listening and caring ear on the other end tell me that wasn’t at all what was intended for the assignment and how they wish I had called sooner.

To sum it up - transitions are hard for us parents as well - we need to find tools and tricks to help ease the adjustment and to make this time less stressful. Most of us have very busy houses and lives and each time we add something it can be that piece that tips the scales for us. If we step back and attempt to break these times and tasks into their pieces and find some solutions for them I hope it can make it an easier and less stressful time for ourselves and our families.

Where did they hear that from?

Sometimes, a topic comes to me from so many places it is almost like the universe is giving me a message and I just need to listen and heed it.  This week's topic started off with different conversations on different topics with completely different people, talking about a variety of subjects but all pointing to the same conclusion.  It was solidified, however, by a bizarre encounter at the park with my kids this weekend.

A complete stranger showed up at our neighborhood park with her one year old daughter.  Her daughter was very adorable and seemed to be struggling with getting her shoe on well enough to walk.  So my 10 year old, ever enchanted by cute babies, went over to help her out.  The mom then proceeded to talk to him and what she said went from odd and bizarre to bewildering.  To make a long story short, she started off by telling him how she had two children who were 14 years apart and ended off by sharing with him that she had "sacrificed her son so she could live a better life here in America."  My son was so confused by her story that he thought she had lost the child (taking the sacrifice as a literal one) and finally she made her message clear to him - she had left her son in Africa with relatives when he was four years old to pursue her dreams of a better life in America.  And so, she told him, sometime when he was older he would understand that sometimes you need to sacrifice to get what you want in life and live your dream.

As I tried to find a way to extricate ourselves from this strange woman with her strange ideas without being flat out rude, I thought to myself how insane the message she was trying to give my child.  I also thought - how quickly can I undo what she just told him?  Everything she had been saying was completely antithetical to my own belief system and I desperately wanted my son to understand that this woman was wrong.  Thankfully, I needn't have worried too much.  As we made our way home, he turned to me and said that she was a crazy awful mother to leave her child.  And, though I told him we had no idea what the other pieces of her story were and therefore we couldn't judge her, that nonetheless let me explain what we believe.  And I told him, in no uncertain terms.  Once you are a parent, the priority in your life is to give your child everything that you can to make sure they have a good life with every opportunity you can possibly provide them, even if it means altering your own course in the process.  And he asked me, why then had she not sent her son to America and stayed if the choice was for only one of them to go?

Not to delve too deeply into this particular story, the whole exchange made me think - what are the most important things we want to impart to our children and how can we make sure we are the givers of that trove of information and not others?  Other discussions that had pointed me to this topic begged the same question - how and when do we decide to discuss things with our children without missing the boat and letting them get their facts and perspectives from other people?

This question goes to some fairly uncomfortable places for most parents.  Yes, it is easy to try and impart some piece of wisdom to our kids about benign topics - friendships, honesty, truth.  All of these are easy topics that we, if we choose to be thoughtful about our discussions, can find opportunities to discuss with our children.  But what about the topics that don't come easily, the very personal, very raw, very private things that we find hard to discuss with anyone?

To begin with, I think it is important to discuss the easy to approach topics.  If we stop to think about it, do we make time and opportunity to talk to our kids about these? Have we found ways to stop our busy lives and make time for thoughtful discussions with our kids? I am sure the answer to this, if the question was posed to most parents, would be split.  Some parents have made time and found ways, others are just living life from one day to the next and haven't made time for things like that.  For those in the latter category, I strongly encourage you to find a way to step back from life's every day demands and think about what you want to talk to your kids about yourself. And find opportunities.  There is so much misinformation in the world at large and kids absorb so much from every medium.  The messages are sometimes subtle but not always.  The media and game industry has messages that slip easily into their consciousness.  I don't mean to sound paranoid but merely honest.  The world is talking to them at every turn and if you have a message you want to get across to them, say it!  You don't get second chances to make first impressions and if there are topics you want them to hear your unique perspective about, make sure you share it.  I'm not encouraging long lectures to your kids, I'm encouraging discussions.  Talk to them, hear their thoughts, share yours.  The sooner you start doing this with your kids, the more you'll be amazed at how much they have to say about what is going on in the world around them.  I think it also opens the door for them to share things with you as they grow.  Kids can share and observe and absorb at every age and stage so whether you started this when they were young or you're coming to the realization in the middle of their teens, I still encourage you to start the practice.

Now, on to the harder to approach topics.  Recently there was a speech some friends of mine attended about marital intimacy in a religious community, definitely a hard to approach subject.  What amazed me, honestly, was how different their reactions to the same topic was.  And every one of them had one common theme - it is hard to approach certain topics but we need to approach them nonetheless.  That we live in a world where there are few voodoo topics and it is about time we embraced that and started the discussions ourselves.  Where we change the narrative by entering it.  And this, I believe, applies to so many hard to broach topics with our children.  If we ignore the topics, our children will get their information somewhere.  It may be friends, books, media - and it may be approached the way we want it to - or, more likely not.  It may be information and commonly it will be misinformation.  If you want the children to learn it from you, see it from your unique perspective, you need it to come from you.  Make opportunity to talk honestly.  I would advise, before approaching any of these topics, that you discuss them with your partner and together devise an approach to the topic.  One unified message, no secrets, brought gracefully and in unity to your children.

After the obvious discussions you have with your kids about regular topics, I would also encourage you to consider not only talking about common subjects people have trouble discussing with their kids - intimacy, love, etc but anything from mental health issues, family dynamics, painful experiences you had to heal from as a child.  Any number of topics can fall into this category.  Sometimes it is so painful and so personal - and yet so necessary.  Secrets have ways to come back and bite you, painfully, as time goes on.

Obviously I'm not advocating for sharing your trauma with your five year old, this has different implications at different ages.  But I am advocating for figuring out when and how to share levels of your personal journey, struggles, or otherwise with your children.  Don't let them hear it from that well meaning Aunt or cousin - don't let them guess and whisper and come to wrong conclusions secluded with their friends.  Tell them yourself.  Be honest.  Find a way to talk about what seems impossible.  And share without burdening. If you do have any painful subjects that they need to be enlightened about, make sure you frame it with your own strength, your ability to be past what is in the past.  Let them see growth from the painful and not wallowing.  I know one paragraph to approach such a topic is almost insulting, but when this opportunity arises, I obviously can't ignore it.

And so, after my strange park interaction, I'm left with a feeling of strange empowerment.  I think a lesson this odd stranger taught me was to find my voice, discuss things with my kids openly and plainly, and realize that you never know where they're going to get their information from and when, so take every chance you get to make it here and now and from you.

Teaching Mindfullness

About 14 years ago, my husband came up with a gift idea for me - he gave me a yoga class, along  with the promise that he'd come home and take over the night of the class so I could get out.  I had never before been to yoga and, to be honest, since I'm not the touchy feely type by nature, wasn't sure it was going to be my speed.  I went and instantly fell in love with it - the practice, the exertion, the rewards and most of all, the mindfulness skills I learned.  I took yoga for several years and even taught some on my own after I could no longer make time for scheduled classes.  Even since I stopped teaching, I continue to practice whenever I can fit it into my schedule.  One of the greatest lessons yoga has taught me is to learn to listen to and channel and control the noise of the world around me.  We live in a world full of chaos - forget even the electronics that permeate our every move- just the busy-ness of life - balancing home, school, work, family, etc - its a busy and chaotic space.  Learning how to tamp down the noise we don't need at any given moment and listen to what is going on inside our own selves is a skill that is hard but necessary.

You may be asking yourselves, about now, why I'm going on about yoga on a parenting blog? Am I trying to convince you, my readers, to take up the practice?  I'd be dishonest if I told you no - I actually think that parents can use this skill and time for themselves very much.  But that isn't actually the reason I discuss it here (to see a discussion about carving out time for yourself, see my post about creating time for yourself). 

So if this isn't me rambling about making time to learn mindfulness, what are we talking about?

I believe one of the most essential skill any parent can give their child is learning how to listen to themselves.  To train kids to be mindful, to quiet the outside noise and to learn how to trust themselves and listen to their inner voice.  All too often, we try to tell children how they feel instead of teaching them how to identify and guide their own feelings.

For example, how many times have we told our kids, as they're crying and in pain, "you're ok."  Or when they are worried about something we say "there's nothing to worry about!"  Without realizing it, I think we inadvertently ignore our kids feelings and try and supplant our own feelings onto theirs.  We know there's nothing to worry about or that it will only hurt for two minutes and they'll be back to playing - so we try and push that onto them.  Instead, we could try to acknowledge their feelings and then guide them to the next step.  Subconsciously, we are giving them a very different message.  You are allowing them to acknowledge and trust their own feelings while still helping guide their responses to those feelings.  It is subtle but over time, I think they learn a very important lesson.

Take a kid who finds themselves anxious or shy in the presence of new faces or situations.  Some parents try to push them into it and assume they'll just learn to adjust eventually.  Others let them completely stay away from these situations and assume they'll eventually grow out of it and learn to cope.  But there is a more middle of the road approach.  Help the kid put a name or word to their feelings (scared, nervous...) and ]talk before these situations about how to approach them.  What are things you can do when you feel that way? How can we make these situations easier.  This gives them the skills to approach a situation and hear what their body/mind is telling them and coach it through.  It puts them in touch with their inner voice.  Once they understand that voice, they can help guide themselves through different situations. 

Another type, the angry child.  This can be a child of any age, who tends to lash out and get angry at the drop of a hat.  Their auto-response to situations is to flare.  Practicing mindfulness with them, helping them identify when they're feeling angry - how that feeling comes on and what it feels like inside them when it happens, can often help guide them into better responses to their anger.  The old adage, when angry count to ten (when very angry, twenty), still works.  Teaching them to listen to that inner voice, the spark plugs heating up, and to walk away until it simmers.  All of these are ways to help them learn to listen to themselves, be mindful and acknowledge their own feelings, and learn how to channel them more appropriately.

Ok, I know what you may be thinking - it isn't that easy.  And it isn't.  And what about those kids whose inner voice is forever telling them to crazy things - do we teach them to listen to that one too? Voices that speak of exaggerated fears, of crazy and reckless behaviors.  And yes, in a way, we do teach them to listen - and curb it.  The same way you can teach the anxious child to overcome their anxiety, you can teach the wild and reckless child to hear the inner voice and curb it to a reasonable degree.

So often, as kids head into the teenage years, they inevitably shut down to some degree or another.  I think if taught this early, they can still use this skill at that stage, even when it doesn't seem like they are doing so.  The key is to give them the space and time to think it through and in the quiet calm moments, to remind them of the need to listen to those voices inside telling them what they know to be true (think peer pressure situations, something we will discuss in depth in a later post).

Everyone has different methods and approaches to teaching mindfulness, some don't use that word but the idea is the same.  I believe if we work hard on developing these skills for our kids (and our selves) we can help them trust themselves and eventually mature into adults who remain in touch with their inner voices.