Responsibility

The other day I was thinking about how long this pandemic has gripped the world - I don’t think anyone would have guessed when this all began that we would be trapped in this chaos for months. And while some places have slowly began the climb towards a new normalcy and some reopening, the steps and stages are staggered and slow. At the same time, so many people have had enough and decided it’s time to go back to the way things were. “What do we need to be so crazy about - let’s just get it and get it over with.”  That’s a sentiment I’ve heard from a lot of people. Teens especially. They feel they’ve been good for long enough and the times has come to restart life. 

I get it. It’s chaos. We’re bored. Trapped. Sick of masks. Sick of distance. 

But we can’t just give up. The long haul is rough but it’s necessary. 

So how can we help our kids (and ourselves) understand the responsibility we have to do our part? To keep plugging away despite the frustration? To realize that if every person does their part we can actually make this go away for good?

It’s a tough call - especially when our national leaders are not taking it seriously. When they watch other adults being irresponsible. When so many factions are making the people who are being careful out to be the crazy/paranoid/hyper ones. 

So here I am grappling with teaching about the collective responsibility. I’ve felt this even more with planning a wedding. It’s an amazing and exciting time, yet the responsibility of everyone attending is on us. We can’t force people to follow rules but we have to set up a system to do our best to ensure their safety. It’s a daunting task. 

Obviously there’s no one thing we can do to teach our kids to feel collective responsibility. Not every house can be a beacon of environmental responsibility or every parent the superstar of the community. Our lives are busy. We can try our best to make time for things outside our regular

lives but it is a struggle. 

So what can we do? 

Normally I’d say use facts to back up your discussion. But the facts are fluid these days and most people don’t trust them at this point - so they may be a weak link in your chain. 

Broken record aside, we must model. If we aren’t keeping rules and showing respect for the issues they definitely won’t feel any need. If you’ve taken to mocking mask wearers or given up any form of distancing, you can  expect your kids to follow suit. 

Second, responsibility starts with small things. We can’t expect a child to take on global responsibility when they can’t even account for themselves. When my kids were toilet training, my pediatrician counseled me to make them clean up their own accidents. Seems crazy, but after once or twice they just didn’t have accidents. If we give them responsibility in their own lives, they learn how to be held accountable. Don’t just do things for them because it’s easier and faster - let them learn and grow from their mistakes. They won’t always do it right but eventually they’ll get it. 

Involve them in the household responsibilities. You don’t have to give them chores if that’s not your mode - but cleaning the house all together or any other group household project makes them part of the responsibilities. If you do it consistently, they’ll begin to (hopefully) see it as their norm. 

Show them the big picture. Involve them in your communal activities. Volunteer with them. I love seeing families go to feed the homeless, clean up the parks, you name it. There’s so much out there for them to be a part of. The more you expose them to it, the more connected they begin to feel to causes. 

We can’t expect to wake up one day with kids who feel a sense of global responsibility, but one day at a time we can build a better world for them to be part of and, together, fight this pandemic and get back to some better normal. 

Anger

It’s possible we’ve touched on this before but I checked back in the archive and didn’t see a dedicated post so I decided it was time for one. 

Anger. Rants. Raging teens. 

If you’re the parent of a teen and have never experienced any of the items listed above - please share your magic. 

As for me, I’ve been on the receiving end of a rant more times than I can count. And if you want to know the truth all I want to do is yell back. I know, it’s fruitless, but it sure might feel good. 

Before we discuss some thoughts on useful reactions towards teen rants - I think it’s crucial to see a rant for what it really is the majority of the time. Rant = cry for help. 

It’s extremely hard to sit there listening to a ranting person and think rationally - our most base survival instincts emerge when attacked - but if we could put ourselves in a sound proof glass case and watch an angry outburst it would be so obvious to us. Watch the body language, how tense they become, the eyes are a telltale sign.  Scientists who studied anger found that the part of our brain called the amygdala activates when we are angry. It is where our fight or flight response is. The teen is in battle mode. Our job is to figure out why. 

I don’t believe teens are the most self aware beings. Yes they have moments of self awareness but in general, the ability to self reflect and delve deep is something that develops much later in life. We, however, have the ability to probe and attempt to figure out what it is they’re struggling with and bring it to light. They may not accept our assessment but as adults, if we know our kids well enough we usually can understand where it is coming from. 

Does knowing the issue help when we’re on the receiving end of a rant? Yes and no. 

First let’s talk about what to do when someone is ranting at you. In my opinion, nothing. That sounds pretty lame I know but have you ever just taken the wind out of someone’s sails? Remember the Berenstein Bears book where Mama is preaching about good manners and Papa is busily telling her how he needs to stand up for himself sometimes to get things done (I’m paraphrasing of course). Then he rear ends someone who stops short on the road and he gets enraged but when a bigger, angrier bear emerges from the other car he pulls it together and remembers to be polite and it ends up being a calm misunderstanding involving some road crossing ducklings if I recall correctly. 

The same basic principal works when you deal with an angry person.  Yell back and it will become a yelling match. Stand calmly, voice even and steady, and tell them you can’t discuss things while they’re this upset - they might yell louder to start but it’ll die down quicker. There’s only so long you can be a one man yelling act. 

If they don’t stop - walk away. They are too big to be removed to their room to finish their meltdown but not big enough to be reasonable and know that anger solves nothing. 

Once you’ve successfully given them time to calm down and cool off - try to do the digging into what is causing the upset. Feeling out of control about an issue often triggers anger.  Teens struggle with controlling their life and their circumstances- they often feel rules we impose are unfair, situations with friends can become overwhelming. Teen years are tumultuous - there’s no lack of issues they’ll deal with. 

Experts say there are three types of anger. 

• Passive aggression - where we act upset or sulky but don’t really communicate our anger openly 
• Open aggression - think yelling and screaming type
• Assertive aggression - when you can calmly express what is making you angry and be open to solutions about how to resolve it

Assertive anger is the healthiest way to deal with anger. This is a skill we need to model for them - be open and honest with them about how their anger makes you feel angry. Discuss how to treat people when you are angry. Keep the dialog going. 

As always remember the golden rule of parenting - MODEL! If your angry rants are what they see, they will likely copy them. It’s ok to meltdown once in a while, we are humans, but try to limit it. 

To sum it up - when dealing with an angry teen :

1. Don’t respond - wait til they’ve fizzed out

2. Revisit what is really going on in a calm moment 

3. Do your best to model assertive anger 

None of this will make it easier to stand there and be on the receiving end, but hopefully in the long run it will help minimize angry outbursts and teach them how to productively express their feelings. 

Own It

I had a funny conversation with someone this week which went along these lines :

(Them) My kids are always in my bed

(Me) That’s awful

(Them) Can’t do anything about it cuz there a few close together in age

(Me) I had 4 under 5 and they weren’t in my bed...

(Them) I’m out of excuses

Ok I’ll own it - it sounded superior - but that wasn’t the point of this post. We all have things that are crucial for us in our parenting. Sleep wasn’t negotiable for me when my kids were little - without sleep I’m not a great person to be around. Knowing that about myself I was always crazy about their sleep schedules when I had a lot of little kids. What we decide to as parents is our choice. 

If you feel the need to make excuses for a behavior then you are not owning it. If you’re the parent who believes in a curfew, don’t apologize for it. You have thought through your decisions and standards and set up a certain system or way of parenting in your own house. If you believe in what you are doing you have nothing to apologize for. 

Back to the bed - if you believe in the family bed and want that to be a part of your children’s upbringing that is your prerogative. You don’t have to apologize for it. If your kids are In your bed because you are too tired to get up and take care of them and train them then that is lazy parenting. Decide and own it. If you’re apologizing for it, it’s because you don’t believe it’s the right thing to do. 

In general, I think it’s crucial for us to think through the choices we make in our parenting. Sometimes real life takes over and things get chaotic. This past week (as some of you who know me know already) my daughter got engaged. All schedule was off the table. The night before we made a little outdoor engagement party, the house was a wreck and my 6 year old was rollerblading around the house at 10 pm as I cleaned up. Yes, I was lazy parenting because I didn’t want to make the time to put her to bed, but life gets in the way. 

I’m not talking about the exceptions - we all live in the real world. I’m talking about the rule - the day to day. The choices we make and the effects they have. 

Own it or change it - excuses should be a thing of the past.