A Different Kind of Holiday

A Different Kind of Holiday

This post is dedicated to my mom, may she live and be well and stay far away from Coronavirus!

As the world remains shuttered attempting to stop the pandemic sweeping the globe, Jews around the world prepare for a very different type of Seder.  Many people will be making the holiday for the very first time. Tables that usually have 20 or 30 people will be immediate family only. Still others will be sitting solo (or hopefully on the porch, weather permitting) to keep a safe distance away from possible spread.

So how can we infuse this holiday with a special feeling? Keep it uplifting and joyous despite the circumstances?

Growing up Pesach preparations began in my house around January. No, that was not a typo. My mom is a super planner and we started our clean out early. By the time other people were beginning to clean, we were already hard at work cooking for a week filled with family and fun. Pesach was a great time in our house. Everyone came together - we were at least 20 or more for every meal for an entire week.  It was chaotic and fun and a lot of work.  My mom prepared like you’ve never experienced. Pots of soup til the store almost ran out of soup vegetables. Pounds and pounds of potatoes and onions. So many potato kugels you lost count, all hand grated of course. And then the holiday began.  My mom did all the work in the background but my Dad ran the Seder. He loved having everyone gathering and involving the kids and adults. No reading from your papers, that was a rule. If you knew the commentary well enough to say it without notes you could contribute to the conversation. Hiding the afikomen was the best scavenger hunt we ever experienced. All in all, we loved the holiday.

And now we fast forward to a year where it seems so much of that is being changed. But I believe we can infuse this holiday with a different type of meaning and experience. For once, we are not allowed to invite guests. We must focus just on our own immediate family. For eight days straight. Challenging? Most definitely. Possible? Of course!

Create your own traditions - pick something new you are going to try this year and introduce it at the Seder. There are so many great ideas out there - one of my brother in laws gets marshmallows for the Seder and tosses them as rewards to the kids for their questions and involvement. Make kits of the ten plagues and get involved! Ever seen the leek fighting tradition the sefardím have? Look it up, it’s great fun! We usually have one Seder with friends and they make it so exciting - Egyptian dress up, the four questions in every language, and loads of games and riddles.

For the rest of the holiday - Make it exciting! How?
- buy a new game that you’ve never played and make some family game time on those long holiday afternoons
- walk to the forest or gardens nearby if you have and enjoy the fresh air

As for the grandparents who are missing that time with their family and have to be solo - send them something to enjoy from afar.  Cards, letters, a new picture album. If you need other ideas, comment below with your email and I can send specifics of Pesach related ones.

Yes this is going to be a different type of holiday - but different isn’t always bad - sometimes it’s just new. Choose to make this exciting different!

Coronavirus Chaos

This week I’m just going totally off script and doing something different.

We’re in the midst of absolute chaos. Our world has ground to a halt. So much has changed so quickly it’s almost impossible to keep up with. A virus is sweeping through our world and everyone is doing whatever they can to stop it in its tracks. It’s kind of like we woke up one day in the middle of a movie. If I were watching it I might even say the plot is not believable enough and who thought of this script?

As for our little world of home...My daughters senior year in high school has basically now been cancelled. Two of my college age kids have the rest of the semester home. And the rest go to school virtually. We’re juggling 8 virtual realities in one house and some things are amazing and some completely overwhelming.

So today I just wanted to share different things I have thought/felt/heard/seen/experienced which may help you get through:

- Man Plans and G-d laughs has taken on a whole new level of meaning
- There’s a whole lot of darkness around us but a whole lot of light left inside
- Take a step back at some point and realize this too shall pass
- It’s ok to complain some of the time - these days are long and there are a lot of people in small spaces
- Time has sort of lost its meaning in a way. When you’re home almost all the time and have nowhere to go it just doesn’t seem to matter much if you have dinner ready at 6 or 8...maybe that’s just at my house
- Move as much as possible - I ran a spontaneous half marathon this week because it meant more time in the fresh air!
- One of my sons decided we have so much time together all day he went on strike against family dinner the first week. Too much together time. We let it be but he’s back at the table now.
- My youngest doesn’t love virtual school - she misses the regular routine. Her teacher made a one on one zoom call to just hang out with her.
- I think a little levity about the situation is ok - it relieves the stress and anxiety. Yes it’s awful and people are suffering but it’s also a lot of change and restrictions for everyone and sometimes humor can get you thru.  Tasteful humor of course.
- A few weeks ago we didn’t even know what social distancing was, now it’s a household word
- There’s so much kindness in the world - we just have to tap into it.
- Everyone seems to be taking different approaches to this but I’m amazed at the lessons people are learning from this experience.  Two examples:
     - We have to value our earth more - look how the pollution has gone down since we have ground to a halt. Maybe we need to treat it better.
     - Family time and the family unit is being revived - we were so busy going out and doing things we might have forgotten that there’s so much to be gained right in our own houses
- It’s spring and I’m amazed watching the world burst into bloom oblivious of the chaos within it
- Small things are huge sometimes. Running last week, this woman was driving up and down the road near the path blasting music and cheering - her friends race was cancelled and she decided to simulate it for her. We all made her a finish line to cross.

To sum it up, these are crazy times. I believe this will be that moment for our kids. Every person I know remembers what they were doing on 9/11 when they heard the news. Different generations remember the moment they heard Kennedy was shot. Anyone in the DC area vividly remembers the sniper. This is a time our kids are going to reflect on as adults and remember. I think it pays to add some good memories to this experience- I’m hoping my 6 year old remembers that we went out on her bike every day and I jogged next to her as we took in the sights and breathed the fresh air. I hope my older kids will remember cousin Zoom calls where my family at large virtually hung out. And long Shabbos afternoons where we played every game in our closet. Mostly, I hope we all stay healthy and make it safely to the other side.

Attitude of Gratitude

I think it’s safe to say we are living through unprecedented times. The entire world is in chaos. Our schools and institutions are shut down. Public places are shuttered. The world is at a standstill while a new and dangerous virus terrorizes multiple continents.

At times like these it is easy to spiral into negativity. There is a lot to be worried about. A lot of mistakes will be made. No one knows exactly what to do or how to handle things.  The learning curve is steep and there are already so many missteps we are watching play out.

And yet  there is also a lot to be grateful for. I think we all need to take a pause and shift gears to an attitude of gratitude. If our kids witness us finding the good, especially in times like this, they will look for the good.

Take a few examples from this past week:

I’m amazed when I take a minute to contemplate what has gone on. Last Thursday the governor announced the closing of all public schools and asked private schools to close as well. Immediately our school went into action - and here we are, less than one week later, with a virtual school platform set up and ready to go. Will there be hiccups? I’m sure. Will some things fall through the cracks and get messed up? For sure. But we can’t focus on those things - we have to step back and be amazed at the sheer ingenuity and creativity of the staff. Are the people who have to work from home while guiding their children through this time going to feel some stress? YES but that is not the focal point. The discussions should revolve around the accomplishments and the flexibility. It’s all a matter of where we choose to place the emphasis.

Our synagogue realized it couldn’t hold services in person and within a day the emails were coming with daily learning schedules, prayer times, uplifting videos. Throughout the world Zoom meetings have become the new norm and the praying and learning continued.  Do we feel discombobulated and unbalanced taking away our central hub for religious activities? Of course. But again not the focus.

So many people are stuck home with their families and no other contact. It is stressful. It is also special. They may not be able to appreciate that part but we can try.

We are (hopefully) healthy, our houses have food, we have community. We are blessed with plenty. Try not to focus on the things we don’t have or what we’ve run out of or didn’t stock up on, look at your full cabinets and be grateful.

And like most things, we can lecture them about this from here until next yesterday but if they hear our discussions and we are always finding something to criticize they will follow suit.

So yes, there are loads of issues and challenges. We are not going to be able to keep our panic at bay, our tempers even and happy smiles at all times. But we can try our best to keep an upbeat mood and to focus on what’s going right more than what is wrong. On the accomplishments of our leaders, community, and whoever else instead of our collective mistakes.

Fear

Everyone has fears - sometimes we know what they are very clearly and other times they come at us so suddenly they take us by surprise. A few years ago I had to get an MRI and they asked me if I was claustrophobic and I confidently answered that I was not. Little did I realize what being inside such an enclosed space would feel like. I remember going in totally calmly, opening my eyes and seeing the machine in front of my face and feeling such a complete sense of panic like the walls were closing in on me. It was totally irrational and yet very real. I made them take me out and flip me around to the open side and I managed but with truly great effort and a totally mental game playing out inside my head.

When our kids face fear it is easy to brush it off and tell them it’s nothing - but I’m not sure that’s the best approach to deal with fear.  I feel like we may have discussed this directly and certainly we’ve touched on it in many different ways but I wasn’t sure if we’ve ever discussed the full fear approach so I figured it was probably worth a post.

First and foremost - when dealing with fear - it is important to identify it. Things you don’t name are far scarier than what you can define. We have a book called The Popup Book of Phobias which actually has main fears defined with pop out illustrations. It’s humorous and diffuses some of the fear around fear. Fears have names and we shouldn’t be afraid to use them.

After you’ve defined what it is you are scared of - try to get to the WHY of it. What is it about the dark that scares you? Why do you feel scared when the teacher calls on you in class? Understanding what prompts the fear helps you talk to the kids about the underlying issues. Sometimes this is all they need to understand there’s nothing to be scared of. But often it just helps them understand and process the fear. Over time they may be able to get rid of it because of the knowledge but not often immediately.

After you’ve defined and understood the fear - you have to take the hard steps of confronting it. Yes, avoidance is easier - but far less helpful. There are some things they will outgrow and delaying confrontation of those fears is totally within reason. But for those things they won’t outgrow, or outgrowing will take too long and cause them (and you) far too much upset and anxiety- and for all those other fears - confrontation is a necessary evil. It actually will make them stronger in the long run.

Make a plan for how they can deal with the fearful situation:

 Scared of the dark? Can a nightlight help until logic kicks in? Can you help them close their eyes and imagine light imagery? Walk around the room in the dark and let them feel the same objects they feel in the light and identify them?

Terrified of shots ? Teach them some breathing, teach them the trick of pressing a different spot to refocus their attention, and choose something beforehand to reward them for their effort.

Last bit of the fear approach - try your best not to let your own fears fuel theirs. Don’t give them more to be worried about. You’re the adult - appear strong and confident if possible. Even if inside you’re terrified, find your mask.

Every fear has a basis and can be dealt with - it takes discussion, a plan and time. I myself have needed repeat MRIs and I psych myself up, take something to stay calm, and keep my eyes closed in that machine.  I do not look forward to them but I do cope with them.  I guess we all have to grow up sometime.

Plan But Don’t Panic

The world is going fairly crazy over the Coronavirus - and I get it, these things are scary and overwhelming. I’m not a Doctor or a scientist but I’ve read enough to realize that for most people it isn’t dangerous. For the people it is dangerous for, it’s really dangerous. Obviously I don’t have the credentials or the expertise to advise people about when to panic or how to prevent the illness or the spread - what I wanted to discuss very briefly is about planning for the extreme without panic.

Last week in my house we were making a Costco list and deciding what items we needed in case of a quarantine. One of my older daughters expertly pointed out that even in that scenario, Instacart still functions (we hope) so she felt there was no need - but the planner in me didn’t want to be stuck with no cereal or staples if we somehow ended up locked at home. What I didn’t realize was how freaked out my 5th grader would become from the discussion. Apparently, between the news, school discussions and this - he was getting really scared.

So we had the following talk - and I’m sharing it in case it helps anyone else decide how to approach this unique situation with their children. I told him the following. We don’t expect a house fire but we put a plan in place to deal with it. We talk to our kids about how to get out if we’re trapped, what to do and where to be. We are not panicked or paranoid about whether we’ll have a fire, we are just planning. I explained that the same was true here - we don’t expect to get this virus, if we do get it, we aren’t even super worried about how sick it will make us - only that we might share it with someone else who is in a higher risk category. And that is why we need a plan - just in case we are secluded and have two weeks without leaving home. It’s not a panic, it’s a plan.

In general, I think we have to diffuse the fear about situations by arming kids with knowledge. Those things we can’t define or understand are always scarier than what we can name and have decisive steps to protect against.

Good luck and stay healthy!

None of These Things is Quite Like the Other

We all compare. We say we don’t but let’s face it - everyone does. We try our best not to and yet we still do. We compare ourselves to other people. We compare our kids to other people’s kids. We compare our kids to each other. I think it’s good to get the facts straight and admit this to ourselves. I think it’s also important to acknowledge it and realize it needs to end somewhere.

I don’t know how much we’ve talked about my life but let’s say my first few years of raising kids were atypical. Having my oldest daughter diagnosed with a brain tumor before the age of 1 while being six months pregnant with #2 comes with a unique set of challenges. It has a way of putting HUGE PERSPECTIVE into your life. While everyone else is stressing about not sleeping or colds or maybe ear tube surgery with their toddler - you’re tackling things like chemo treatments, when to say yes to radiation therapy, and experimental protocols. So it should come as no surprise that sometimes when I would talk to people - especially ones I was newly friends with - I would get comments like “I shouldn’t complain to you about this.”  Because everyone compares. To them, they were comparing their challenges to mine and feeling that theirs were insignificant. Even now I find the comparison things popping up - I was running with someone I didn’t know the other week and she was talking about not having enough time to fit exercise in outside of running. We were having a normal discussion about it until she realized that she didn’t have kids and I have a houseful - and she said “I shouldn’t complain to you about not having time.”

So here’s what I think - yeah, maybe there’s some truth to that because it is a good thing to complain less and problem solve more. And yes it is good to keep perspective on your life by being able to see how other people’s lives are more complex in some ways. But no, you don’t need that to be your yardstick for how your life is going, how big your issues are or how great your progress in any single area. I think the most important thing all of us can do for ourselves and for our kids is to be able to do YOU because of YOU.  Recently I realized that my hardest runs, the ones I push myself way out of my comfort zone and really work the most - are the solo runs. When I was thinking about it, I realized that when I compete against myself I work the hardest. Because mostly I need to prove to myself what I’m capable of. I think this is the key to the curbing of the comparison dilemma.

There will always be people who are smarter, richer, faster, poorer, heavier, stronger - you name it. But if you live your life with them as your yardstick, there is no end to the happiness/unhappiness cycle. It isn’t about what they have or what they can do - life is about what you have within you and what you can do with it.

So why, you may ask, am I discussing this on a parenting blog? Well for starters, you can’t live your life comparing your kids to everyone else’s. First - you truly have no clue what goes on in anyone’s house when it’s just them. But also - every child is different and has their own set of challenges- maybe the mom who you see as the calmest most in control mom has a house full of mellow kids who just roll with it? Or maybe she struggles but doesn’t share. It is irrelevant to your own life. You aren’t going to cope better with your own struggles because someone else copes worse or has less issues to deal with. Second, every one of your children is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Just because child X easily achieved perfect marks in school doesn’t mean that child Y’s B average didn’t take all of their effort. Comparing them isn’t fair to them or you.

The key here is to refocus ourselves. Focus on the internal - be that your own personal internal coping mechanisms or the internal of your house and your life and your children. Find what works best for you and roll with it. Please yourself, please your family - and seriously don’t worry if that doesn’t work or make sense for someone else. The bottom line is that it doesn’t have to because at the end of it all, your life will be better when you live it for you.

I understand this is an extreme challenge in this crazy era of social media where everyone is constantly watching what everyone else is up to and how they seem to be living their lives. If possible, disconnect from that - if not permanently then at least take measures to cut down. I doubt we realize how much it affects us and how we perceive ourselves and our situations.

Do your best not to compare your kids to each other - praise them for their successes and highlight their strengths. Define them for them whenever you have the opportunity. And don’t be shy about sharing your own strengths and weaknesses as appropriate. Show them pride at your accomplishments and discuss them - it’s not bragging - it’s good to be proud of yourself. And don’t be scared to show them the failures as well - they can see it for what it is - good effort and self reflection. As they see these skills in action they’re learning how to self actualize those skills.

Live your best life and I believe you’ll be modeling for your children to live theirs as well.