Taking Advice

I've gotten some feedback about the blog and I really appreciate all of it.  My aim is to create a space where my readers can feel they're understood and supported.  My goal is to help each and every person find a safe haven where it's ok that your kid just painted the wall with their diaper or your teenager just exploded and stormed out of the house - where you realize it doesn't mean you did something wrong or you're a bad parent.  And you know that you're gonna survive this thing and you're not doing too bad at managing it and retaining your humanity.  And maybe you'll pick up a few tips and tricks to help you along the way.

So when someone gave me feedback that I should make it more personal and less generic I thought it was a great idea.  It turned me from less of a preacher of parenting to a fellow parent who has gained some ideas along the way to share.  My first thought was to tell you my life story - show you what makes me who I am and what I am.  What battlegrounds I've trod and what they've taught me.  Truth be told, that approach really didn't bother me - I like to view my life circumstances as my reality and not something I'm some sort of victim of - I didn't cause most things to happen, they just happen to be my life - but some of my kids were not so wild about it.  The life I live, the story that is me, is also other people's story.  They didn't all want their story broadcast for every stranger to know.  So I decided to tweak it.  And it gave me an idea for this post.

To start - my tweaked idea of who I am so you can know why you'd ever want to listen to me about parenting.  I have 6 amazing and wildly different kids.  They range in age from college to elementary school at the current time (2 years ago we thought we could win a prize for most children in different school stages - having one in college, one studying abroad, one in high school, middle school, elementary and nursery).  Aside from completely different personalities, we've also been through some unique circumstances - we've battled intense illness over the years and thankfully have overcome a lot but gained tremendous perspective on life from those situations.  There are a lot of other details I could fill in but I won't for their privacy sake.  What I will try to do, from here on out, is include more real life anecdotes to help my ideas and thoughts be more useful.

On to the main idea I wanted to discuss today - how to take advice.  Giving advice seems easy because we can just say what we're thinking and let it out.  But usually that is not super effective and there are better ways of delivering a message than just putting them out there.  Especially if we want the advice to be taken.  That will have to be the subject of a separate post.  Today I want to talk about taking advice, because advice is a hard pill to swallow.  For anyone.  Any time.  No one wants to hear something about themselves that someone else thinks is less than perfect.  We all want to see ourselves a certain way and it is hard to hear we need to change.  This is no less true when we're older.  Try taking advice from someone you love and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The main problem I've encountered with taking advice is that the first reaction most people have is to become defensive.  It is our human response to either take flight or defend ourselves when we feel attacked.  Even advice given well can be hard to take.  The most impressive thing to me is watching someone take advice and immediately consider it without any push back.

A few months ago I was running with my running partners and I put this question out to them.  One of my friends is an incredible listener.  They're always joking around when we run about how I can just talk the whole time (to be honest, I was like oh no, I obviously talk too much - but they were actually commenting on my lung capacity - that should be the subject of another post - what people say and what we hear).  What I realized was that they are incredible listeners and so I asked them how can I become a better listener?  They gave me a few good pointers which I’ll use as part of my how tos.

First, don’t talk back immediately - let the person talking really talk before you jump in.
Second, affirm what you heard by repeating it briefly (so you feel x,y, z)
Third, ask questions to clarify the topic at hand
Last, don’t necessarily respond immediately - try to step back and consider the topic before formulating a response.

Teaching kids to take advice well is, as usual, a lot about modeling behavior. When they come to us we have to listen and consider their points. We can’t always have a formulated opinion on their issues before the discussions begin. If we want them to listen to and heed our advice we have to show them it’s not a one way street.

 But we also have to realize advice isn’t a directive. It’s an idea and we can choose what parts of it we integrate into our response and behavior. Kids have their own world views, even at a really young age and especially as they come into their teenage years. They’re not going to agree to our exact view of things every time. Yes, there will be times they buy into the whole idea but those will be few and farther between. As long as they hear what we have to say, consider it and come up with a viable solution they have “taken” our advice.

Recently I was having a discussion with one of my teenagers. We were disagreeing about some safety protocols for the car. I was of the belief that they needed to slow it down and use more caution. Somehow between when I taught them to drive and the discussion they’d lost all sense of caution and understanding that a car is a really powerful machine which can do damage if not managed properly. I made some mistakes during the conversation (which we’ll discuss in the giving advice section) and so did they. Instead of hearing what I had to say the immediate response was “you’re paranoid mom and I’m a good driver.”  I was totally shut out before the discussion even got underway. Had they tried to be a more active listener they may have heard my point - exercise more caution - without disregarding me entirely. To be honest I do think they are checking themselves a little more because even when kids seem to ignore us I’m fairly certain they hear some of what we say.

So to call it a wrap - teaching kids to take advice is mostly about helping them become active listeners, realizing that even if they don’t take all of what we say and put it into action that’s ok as long as they take some pieces of it (or devise another alternative) and come up with a reasonable course of action or solution.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy...How to Enjoy Free Time with your Kids

Now that summer is upon us I wanted to share some ideas how to make enjoyable QT with your kids.  Some people are lucky enough to have your kids home for the whole summer while others have to fit time in post work.  I'll try to make this relevant for all kinds.

I'll start with a disclaimer - I was lucky enough to have many, many years of Camp Mommy with my kids when they were young.  When I went back to full time work 2 summers ago, the hardest part for me was not getting to do Camp Mommy with the kids.  I hated the thought that I'd have to send them somewhere else for someone else to build memories with them.  Don't get me wrong - it was a lot of work, there were many days where I was exhausted and frustrated - but overall I loved it.  It isn't for everyone but it really is the stuff that makes memories.  Even if you aren't the type who can keep kids home the whole summer - a week or two is extremely special and the kids remember those summers so fondly. 

So I guess I should really make this two parts -

Part 1: Creating a Camp Mommy
If you have the opportunity to have the kids home - whether it is a week or two or a whole summer - Camp Mommy can be fun for you and the kids. No matter if you live in a city or in the middle of nowhere - there is so much to explore.  Here are some things I recommend:
1. Make a schedule - when you don't have schedule, things can feel out of control.  I used to have a loose outline of how the days would go.  Kids often do better with some structure - there are only so many days you can chill and sleep late and then decide what to do.
2. Take Trips! We usually had one trip day a week - somewhere you would go to explore or enjoy where you had never gone (or places you just love and want to keep going back to).  If you have bigger kids, letting them take turns planning the trip days can be a lot of fun and give them an opportunity to develop their planning skills.  Remember to check your local festival list, nature hikes nearby, Geocaching (a national scavenger hunt), and museums and zoos nearby.  If you're adventurous, drive a little farther once in a while and find a beach or lake.
3. Art - there is art all over - pinterest and other websites have many crafting ideas if you don't have ones of your own.  Found art is particularly fun and can be combined with trips (like finding the letters of their name in nature on a hike and photographing them and making collages).
4. Exercise together - biking, swimming, running - the possibilities are endless.  You will be a better parent if you work this into your schedule with the kids so you get your exercise in.
5. Make T-Shirts for your "camp" - my kids have passed down "Camp Mommy" t-shirts to their younger siblings since they have one from every summer.  These are particularly useful to wear on trip day.
6. Make cooking/ baking /grocery shopping part of your activities - one thing you find when kids are home with you during the summer is it can get really hard to fit the real life tasks into your days.  If you involve them in these and set aside one day a week (or possibly part of two days) to take care of the mundane (scavenger hunt grocery shopping is very fun, writing the shopping list for younger kids who are learning to read/write), you will find it far less frustrating to fit the real stuff in.
7. Reward Good Sibling Behavior - one thing that happens often when kids are home together is they begin to bicker.  If you head that off to start with it can make a huge difference.  A chart with a weekly reward trip (think Slurpee's) makes for a good reason to head off the fighting.
8. Set Goals - kids thrive on success.  Find things you want to accomplish over the summer and keep track of them.  I usually have the kids set goals for books to read, swimming strokes to learn, etc.
9. Publish! Every Friday we would create our own newsletter of what we did at Camp Mommy that week.  It was fun, great computer skills, and a great way to share what we did with their Dad (who was working so we could have Mommy Camp).
10. Create your own game - many people have seen version of Monopoly that are personalized - create a family version of this or any other game and play it (even add real life rewards).  This can become a really fun family pass-time.

I'll happily provide a list of DC locations for trips and exploration for anyone local and art project ideas for anyone who is interested.

Part 2: Increasing QT and Creativity while the kids are off school
So for those of us who can't take the whole summer to be with the kids - fear not, all is not lost.  There is still so much time and energy you can use to increase your time with the kids in the summer.  I always want to take advantage of the time where they are usually doing their homework and all tapped out from a whole day at school.  Try to shake up your normal daily routine and make time for fun.  This can take on so many different faces - you can go to the pool after work for a relaxing afternoon and let bedtime be a bit later than usual.  You can do an arts and crafts project (see above about arts and crafts if you need ideas).  You can still make your own T-Shirts, take some evening outings, and build in time for special summer activities.  Take advantage of your Sundays - there should be fewer Sunday birthday parties, extra curricular activities, etc - and take some trips.  If you have the opportunity to take a family trip - try to build in some extra excitement (i.e. planning together for bigger kids, make t-shirts before you go).

Some people find unstructured time to be extremely frustrating but I really believe if you create your own structure and try to view summers as an opportunity to create memories with your kids you will feel fulfilled and benefit from the time.  Yes, there will be challenging days (possibly many of them) but in the end they remember those times and appreciate the effort you put into them.

The Art of Debate - Teaching How To Argue

There comes a time when kids feel the need to debate you about things (sometimes about everything). For many kids this begins at a very young age. Different kids feel the need for this at different ages. For my kids it started just about the time they could form sentences!

I think it pays to think about how and why the kids debate or argue with us to figure out the best tools to give them to have respectful arguing habits.

In order to do this we should probably start with the most common types of arguments people use (better known as logical fallacies) as a refresher for those not so familiar.  There are certain types of arguments that are common and often effective but illogical. These include (but aren’t limited to)

•  ad hominem attack - when you attack a person rather than the issue at hand
• Circular - a logical fallacy in which the person begins with what they’re trying to end with
• Appeal to authority - when you use the opinion or actions of someone deemed respected as the validation for your argument 
• Appeal to ignorance - depending on the ignorance of the other party to win your argument 
• Slippery slope - when you argue that something is wrong because it will cause other things (worst case scenario)

To learn more about this topic - check out https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Book-Bad-Arguments/dp/1615192255/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=bad+arguments+ali+almossawi&qid=1559918575&s=gateway&sprefix=bad+argu&sr=8-2 An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments. 

Ok - so now that we are pros at arguments - which arguments are we using when debating things with our kids? Can we teach them the art of debate from a young (or teen) age so they can effectively argue points without attacking or insulting? Let’s look at each fallacy in our list and find tools to counter those with positive argument skills. 

Ad Hominem- I often overhear kids (and some adults) using name calling when they talk to each other and “debate” points (“are you stupid” is one that comes readily to mind). What they are really trying to say is more about were you not focused on what I was saying and didn’t comprehend it? Possibly spaced out and missed some details? Ad hominem attacks take the focus away from the topic and onto the person - never what you are really aiming for. I think most people are left feeling guilty after using these since they didn’t “win” the debate and they hurt or offended someone in the process. So step 1 - help kids focus on the WHAT - what is it you’re arguing/debating about? Stay on point and it will remain respectful. 

Circular- everyone goes into a debate with a goal in mind. If you are only focusing on your point or your goal you will never truly hear the other sides point. So Step 2 - LISTEN and open your mind (and ears) to the other side and try and understand their take on the issue. You may be surprised by what you hear. If you only have your end goal in mind it’s more of a monologue than a debate. 

Appeal to authority- whatever you are debating about has its own merits. If the only reason you can find for your side of a debate is because someone else said it or did it - you probably don’t have much reason behind your stance. Step 3 - WHY? Be able to answer the question yourself before you try and defend your position to someone else. 

Appeal to Ignorance - no one knows about everything in this world - it’s a vast universe and we can’t and won’t know everything. Don’t use ignorance to your advantage. Step 4 - EXPLAIN- if there are facts or information you need to share about the situation to clarify - please do!

Slippery Slope - this part is more what we shouldn’t do when arguing or debating with our kids - deal with the situation at hand and not the worst case scenario of what may happen if you do agree to whatever the issue at hand is. 

To summarize - when teaching kids the art of debate - ask these questions 

1. What are you arguing about? Stay on point 
2. Listen to both sides of the debate and don’t prejudge your position 
3. Be able to answer the Why of what you’re discussing 
4. Share all the facts and information 
5. Deal with the case in point and not everything else that may happen

If they can master these steps they’ll be respectful debaters and may even win more debates at home and in life - respectful debate goes far. 

Am I My Brothers Keeper?

There are many different manifestations of sibling rivalry and to attempt to approach the entire topic in one post would be, honestly, prideful. Instead we will choose one aspect of it at a time and analyze that. Today, at a readers request, I’ll deal with one way to approach sibling mockery. By the way I do think that it’s similar when you deal with sibling mockery versus friend mockery but sometimes children have a tendency to uniquely torture their own siblings in a way they would never do to a friend.   Either way I hope this discussion will help you reduce the issue in your own house.

 Like so many other things,, I think it is important to first deal with the why before you deal with the how. In general in life I think that so many issues stem from not understanding the cause and once you identify it is so much easier to find solutions.  Let’s be real - even once we understand the causes that won’t make sibling rivalry (in any form) end - but it will help shape our approach. Any time a person belittles another person I believe it mostly stems from the way they feel about themselves. People with low self esteem tend to thrive on finding reasons other people are inadequate and focusing on that instead of doing the hard work of building themselves up and being real with themselves about how they feel. It is SO hard to admit this to ourselves but it is also SO true. Usually a child who belittles another child - especially a sibling - is jealous of how comfortable that person Is with themselves and how they don’t seem to care as much about how others view them. They’re doing the classic make them feel small so I can feel big technique. Some of it does get fixed with maturity but that is far too long for most of us to wait. Also this lack of self esteem usually comes out in more ways than just this one. Helping kids build their self esteem - identifying what causes them to think poorly of themselves, working on how we are approaching their successes and failures, and loads of other things (which we will definitely address in a separate post) will definitely be key to helping the self esteem issues your child may be facing. But lest you think that you need that completely fixed to address the mockery issue - you don’t. Simply identifying the cause can help you find solutions.

Poor self esteem isn’t the only driving factor in sibling mockery (or mockery in general) but I tend to see it as the greatest issue.  I think it also pays  to look at we approach situations - make sure there isn’t an underlying issue going on in the house where people belittle others. Sometimes you aren’t aware of your own patterns until you see them playing out in your children. This is a hard pill to swallow but a true one. Oftentimes what began as a high school habit of mocking each other because we thought it was “groovy” turned into a mode of behavior for us. I’m sure by the time anyone reads this they’re at least slightly past high school and it’s time to eradicate the traces of those behaviors in ourselves in order to promote an atmosphere of kindness in our houses. Yes, I’m aware that sounds like preaching but there are times we just all need to hear the truth.

I’m sure there are other reasons you may discover   That are unique to your children about why they are doing what they’re doing and I think it’s good and healthy to explore these when planning an approach to fixing the issue.

On to some techniques that may help reduce the mockery among siblings.

Before the do’s I will stress one very big don’t. Don’t mock your child to make them “know how it feels” - mockery is painful and they won’t get it they’ll just get hurt.

It goes without saying that a good sit down with your child once you’ve thought through the roots of the issue is necessary and helpful. Identifying these behaviors at a calm, non confrontational moment is essential. Explain what you see, why you think it happens and how you can help them conquer this behavior.

Then on to some behavior modification. The first option here is counter intuitive but we’ve actually had some success with it. The worst thing to a child seeking acceptance is to feel that they’re not cool. A short and sweet conversation with the child perpetrating the mockery telling them how interesting it is that they’re “obsessed” with their younger sibling and are just dying to give them extra attention goes a long way. Reminding them each episode how obsessed and into their sibling they are can somehow go an even longer way. All they want is to somehow distance themselves from said sibling because they’re deemed “uncool” and here they keep being reminded how much they’re clearly into them. For some kids this trick goes a long way.

Second, either combined with the first or as a separate approach - incentivize positive behavior. Each time your mocking child praises or compliments their siblings - praise them. Loudly, often, repeatedly. The power of positive enforcement cannot be understated. Focus on the good behaviors more than the poor ones.

Third, set up a code word or phrase with your child where you can remind them when they’re getting into a certain behavioral mode (I use this often, no just for this particular behavior). It’s something only you and the child are aware of and it can sound like nothing to an observer but it’s a good way to subtly remind them to pull back and change gears before they’re too deep into the behavior.  Oftentimes there’s a key point of no return and it’s important  to learn to recognize that point for each child and try very hard to help them pull back before they reach it (we all kind of have that point ourselves we just usually naturally pull ourselves back over time before we cross that line).

Like with many parenting dilemmas, there is no magic potion or secret trick which will cure this behavior right away but often with consistency and a multi-pronged approach you can help your child mature out of this behavior faster and spare the other siblings much unnecessary grief.