Academic Pressure

 I’m sure we’ve discussed this before in some fashion but some topics are worth revisiting. And school pressure is definitely one of those topics. 

Tonight I had parent teacher conferences over Zoom - quite a unique experience. I actually dread conferences every year. Rushing from room to room, division to division, like some sort of marathon sprint around the school with 5 minute intervals to hear something about your child’s experience. For the stronger students I’ve had - it worked. Two minutes to hear how my kid is doing great and next. For the less than motivated of my children - never enough time to tackle the issues. And, side note, if my kid is having issues - we should’ve talked before November! So perhaps I prefer Zoom - at least it saved me from sprinting. I prefer to do that on the track  

But the point of this post isn’t actually to compare in person to Zoom conferences - what I really wanted to discuss was academic pressure. More specifically, how healthy is it for parents to put academic pressure on their children. 

I think it’s natural and even healthy to set standards for our children, goals to achieve. Everyone, whether you’re a parent who cares about grades or not, wants to see their children educated and engaged with their education.  I think the question really is - how much academic pressure should we put on our children ? Is it healthy or even useful to pressure them to achieve certain grades? Should we focus on output or input? Do we care about effort or results?

If your child is self motivated - it’s easy to set certain bars for them. They are strong students and you expect them to get certain grades. Sometimes, the very knowledge of these expectations puts undue pressure on kids who already feel they must perform. That is one side of the coin. 

Flip to the non motivated child. They don’t push themselves and don’t seem to be engaged with their studies. Setting certain standards for them, attempting to light a fire under them - will adding this parental academic pressure ignite them or burn them?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot over the years - having both types of students in my own children I’ve wondered what the right approach to academics could be. 

Like most areas of parenting - these are very individualized questions and the approaches vary depending on your child but one overarching concept has clarified itself to me over time and two teachers I met with tonight really struck chords with me on this idea. 

The work of growing up is a lot harder than many of us remember. Like most things in life, the more time passes, the less we recall some of the challenges. The more rosey parts stand out. I was listening to Charlie Harari’s podcast recently and he said something like ‘remember your natural mode is survival, greatness is override.’  I think when we’re dealing with our kids and academics this is crucial. They are mostly in that survival mode. There are so many pressures on them to navigate - social, emotional, you name it. Adding our pressure rarely has the desired effect. If they’re already internally pressured, the last thing they need is more. If they lack any kind of self-motivation- rarely will our pushing help them develop that. What they need from us is someone who believes in them. Who encourages them. Who can see beyond the anxious or ‘lazy’ or unmotivated or whatever your fill in the blank is to realize the potential they have. Everyone needs a cheerleader in life - choose to be theirs. Emphasize effort, not end results.  Better output naturally follows better effort.

My daughter is studying in her Israel gap year - the same child who never engaged with her education in high school is sending me her notes from classes she enjoyed and can’t have me read them fast enough because she wants to discuss the ideas with me. I don’t think when I had conferences with her teachers in any grade I could’ve imagined this type of student. Be patient and eventually it happens. No amount of coaxing on my part could have done what time and maturity and the right type of teachers is doing to her view on learning.

Tonight I discussed my view of this approach with two of the teachers and a rare thing happened - both agreed with me on my approach to being hands off and letting my kid push themselves when they’re ready. It was an amazing breath of fresh air. Quite the difference from the ones who shake their heads and tell me how much more capable my child is - as if I don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong - I have the same post conferences  conversation with the less motivated of my kids every time - it basically sounds like this - they realize you’re smart and don’t give it your all - when you’re ready to wow them we’re  all ready.  He laughs and keeps moving. But I know and he knows that one day we’ll all be wowed - and when he’s ready watch our world. 

Compliance Fatigue

 Before starting to write this post, I googled the phrase "Compliance Fatigue" to see if it was a real thing.  Turns out it is, but it isn't exactly what I was thinking of when I coined the phrase in my mind.  According to Google (my best source of information), Compliance Fatigue is "“a state of chronic fatigue induced by having to constantly maintain compliance with the ever-increasing variety of rules, regulations and processes created by middle management bureaucrats in both public and private organizations.”

So it is sort of what I wanted to write about - but my definition strays from the typical I guess.

Anyone who has lived through this pandemic will probably relate to what I like to think of as compliance fatigue. Put very simply, we are tired of keeping the rules.  Even though most people understand that the pandemic hasn't changed, they are sick and tired of living with so many restrictions.  As the epicenter moves temporarily out of their state, they feel they've been good for long enough and simply don't need to be as careful anymore.

Lest you think this post is going to be about how we need to stay vigilant -that's not where I was going with this. 

It got me thinking about our kids - and how on point this is with what I've seen over and over in parenting.  

Take, for example, the kid who is almost always keeping the rules, does fairly well in school, seems easy going and appears to be totally coping.  Then one day - mega meltdown.  It can range from a temporary phase of rebellion to a calm, well adjusted child having suicidal thoughts.  And anywhere in between.  Most parents are caught totally off guard.  They can't imagine when this happened, what happened, why this happened. 

Or the kid who has been working so hard on a specific area - they've put all of their efforts into improving the issue.  They seem motivated, invested - and then one day they just give it up. 

Why do kids do this? I believe they have compliance fatigue.  They simply get tired of being good all the time, trying so hard.  Rationally, they understand that life takes work - but they are tired of putting the work in.

Recently we've been discussing mental health issues in teens.  I believe you see this very often with teens who struggle.  A child is battling an eating disorder or working through a depression.  They see progress, they want to achieve their goals and be past the issue at hand - but at some point, they slip or give up.  They tire of the process.  

It is simple - it is too hard to be good all the time.  It is too hard to work at something only to find out you need to work longer and harder.  

My version of "Compliance Fatigue" is real.  And it is really hard to combat. 

So now that we can define it, what do we do about it?

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I remember going through all the motions, trying to digest all the information, wrapping my brain around it.  I was holding it together through surgery and the ICU and the works.  I thought I was coping until they introduced me to her central line (a surgically implanted IV, basically, to give her treatments through).  I had a complete meltdown.  Compliance fatigue to the max.  I was like - no way, I can't deal with that.  It took several nurses reading me the riot act to realize that compliance was not a choice on this one.  No matter how squeamish I was, there was no getting around this.  I had pretty much no choice but to learn to comply.  

And that's kind of what we need to help our children learn.  

Life is, in many ways, an uphill battle.  Struggles don't just disappear because you acknowledge and work on them.  So here are some suggestions to help you through parenting during compliance fatigue.  These won't cure it, but they might help you pass through the phase and help your child get re-energized to want to start again, try harder or keep going.

First, give them time to process.  It is human to have this happen - they need time to settle, realize what is happening, and be ready to address the issues.

Second, don't let them feel like a failure.  A slip, big or small, a meltdown - any of it - is not a failure.  It is being human.  Stress this.  Share your stories of failure, stalling, progress blocks - let them see that we all have this.  

Third, love them harder.  I know this is probably the hardest thing to do - when you have a raging child, all you want is to knock some sense into them.  It just doesn't always help.  And its not always rational.  Remind them you love them, stand by them even when they're raging and mad and blaming you - what they need more than anything is to know that you're not going anywhere despite whether they succeed or fail.  You are their rock.

Last, but not least, help them make a plan to go forward and make more progress.  Concrete steps can help them realize that this isn't as big or overwhelming as it seems.  

We'll all get through this pandemic, you'll live through your kids teen years, whatever tunnel you are currently in - you'll find the light at the end.  You just sometimes have to be a bit patient and always make sure that light you see isn't an oncoming train.

Friends or foes?

In an ideal world, we are partners with our children’s educators and we work in concert. We consult them with our issues, share our concerns and in general have an overall feeling of satisfaction in our choices. I give a loud and clear shout out to all those types of educators- they are the building blocks of our children’s futures.

Unfortunately, We do not always live in an ideal world. 

When it works, count your lucky stars and all those blessings. Thank those educators for all their work as often as you can.

What worked for one child might not work for the next. And you can’t hopscotch schools every time things aren’t working. Moving your child is always a big deal. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes the negatives outweigh the gains. 

So what happens when you can’t find common ground with your educators or administrators? What if you have no choice of where your children should be or are not at a point where you feel it’s socially or educationally beneficial to change?

What I’m about to write will seem heretical to most educators, forgive me. We don’t all have choices when it comes to certain learning environments. We want what’s best for our children overall but we won’t always have all ideal options to choose from. 

I believe that once all partnership opportunities have been exhausted and you find yourself at odds with your child’s educators- you begin to work independently of them.  Your bottom line may not align with theirs.  You need to do what’s best for your child, despite what the school might think is best.  Schools and administrators should care about every child but there are times when their own agenda gets in the way of what’s best for your specific child.

If this happens when your children are young, I’d encourage you to find another educational option.  You have a long road ahead and you would do best not to spend it engaged in small warfare. If switching is not an option, or there are no other acceptable school choices, you need to be very careful how you approach your disagreements.  Being open about it with your young children will make it difficult for them to respect authority.  Keeping your disagreements between the adults will help your child have a feeling of belonging and order in their school life and experience.

But if your child is older and has little school left to go, is deep into their social circles, or maybe is in a post high school program - changing might not be an option. Your child, at this point, is likely aware of the issues. Perhaps they’ve been unfairly targeted at school, an educator has made something personal, or a host of other scenarios I can think of. More likely than not, they’ve brought the issues to your attention and you’ve attempted to remedy them to no avail. 

For this scenario, I’d advise respectful disagreement as an option. They are likely going to have many experiences in their lives where things do not work out ideally. They need to know how to stand up for their position, cope with adversity and avoid confrontation all at the same time. It is ok to disagree with your educational institutions- they are run by humans. If the educators cannot properly handle a situation - if they aren’t doing the teaching - make it a teachable moment!

Remind your dissenting child a few things:

Stay respectful- just because an adult in a position of power is wrong does not give them the right to be rude. 

Avoid argument - if they are not going to change the mind of the person they’re dealing with in how to manage the situation, avoid dealing with them. It will only escalate or frustrate them. 

Do not be manipulated  - like it or not, it’s easy for adults in positions of power to manipulate kids. Reinforce their self respect and teach them to trust their instincts.

Find your own solution- finding their own solutions to Problems, or workarounds in cases where there aren’t solutions - is extremely empowering.  Dwelling on what isn’t working is not going to solve their problems. Helping them find ways to work around the issue or deal with it head on themselves will give them life long skills.

We got your back - remind them they can always be honest with us, to come to us with anything, they won’t be judged. They must know that this adult in their life will ALWAYS have their best interest in mind. No matter the age or stage we will be there.

Always be aware of how your child is faring in any given sItuation. They may seem to be handling the situation but really need your intervention more than they’re willing to admit. And always keep a temperature on the situation as it might change or devolve rapidly. 

As always, good luck - we never want this option, but learning from the tough situations is often some of the best education we can give our kids.